That above photo has been chilling in my ‘drafts’ since I stumbled upon it on November 8, 2020. I was mildly concerned when I saw it then and I remain mildly concerned today.
WTF? You mean to tell me for a small fee of $39.94 you can have a “Tactical Vest with a Detachable Belt & Holster for a Pistol” delivered to your door in 2 days?
I generally consider myself a 2nd amendment guy. In fact, I periodically fantasize about a hypothetical scenario where someone breaks into my house in the middle of the night and I blow them away Clint Eastwood style. It goes something like this:
*Loud crashing noise downstairs.*
*I wake up realizing that someone has broke down the front door. I stand up out of bed and grab a gun before walking towards the top of the stairs.*
“Hey! Who’s there!?” – me screaming down the stairway
*Silence*
“You are free to leave but if you don’t I’m going to shoot you.” -me still screaming down the stairway
*Intruder appears at the bottom of the stairs and begins sprinting towards me*
*I shoot them and they fall backwards down the stairs*
Assuming that it wasn’t one of my buddies drunkenly entering my home by accident, how great would that scenario be? Talk about instant karma.
Now that being said…I don’t know if I love the idea that anyone with an Amazon account can buy a wannabe Navy SEALS vest on Amazon for a couple of Andrew Jacksons Harriet Tubmans.
The scariest part about this is the fact that I know EXACTLY what the guy looks like who is pulling the trigger on this vest (pun intended).
Let me guess…either severely overweight or underweight, greasy hair, and a goatee. Think Kyle Rittenhouse in 5 years time so he can work on the goatee part.
So there’s only one way to find out if my assumption is correct. To Amazon Reviews we go!
God dammit I can’t believe I failed to mention baggy dad jeans and the Nike Air Monarch’s in my description. Glad to hear the shipping was very fast, buddy.
“Great breathability” says the guy holding an AK-47 and wearing a nearly empty tactical vest. Breathability seems like it would be at the top of your wishlist for sure. Also is that a mask on his face or did he MS Paint that on his to face before posting it to Amazon?
Um, yeah, so let’s arrest this guy right? I’m sure I speak for literally everyone in the world when I say that Alex Padgett should be moved into the #1 slot on Americas Most Wanted.
Ok I guess we will be making multiple arrests. Why do both of these guys have practically the exact same mask? I love the thought of this guy dripping sweat off his face under that Skeletor mask, but also trying to accommodate the heat with the sleeveless T-shirt. Thank god the first guy told us this vest has “great breathability.”
Add Big D to the arrest list! Oh shit that’s my dad’s name. Please don’t arrest my dad.
Shoutout for the “4 star vest” that earned a 5 star review.
Leave it to a 12 year old to prove to me that there exists a rational reason to purchase this vest. Not going to lie – I bet that’s a lot of fun. Pack yourself some foam darts, kid.
An alternate universe where Trace McSorley watched ‘The Town’ one too many times and decided he was a bank robber.
“Great he loved it.”
I don’t know shit about shit but I am 100% positive that man walked around his kitchen in that vest for the entire weekend when he first purchased it. Like a schoolkid getting those “back to school” kicks.
Damn I didn’t expect the house flipper guy to have such a poorly organized living room. You need to work on that, Joanna.
Holy shit that’s almost exactly what I had in mind. Tack 50 pounds on this guy and it’s spot on with my initial prediction. Also he’s ready for whatever happens now. Who wants to serve as the bearer of bad news and tell him that nothing is going to happen?
BINGO. There’s my guy. That’s EXACTLY what I’m talking about. Forget everything you thought you knew about public safety, gun rights, etc.
Ask yourself this…do you feel more or less at peace after seeing THAT GUY with THAT gun and THAT vest?
I’m personally rolling with ‘less safe.’ I would be very curious to know what kind of plans that gentleman has dialed up that he feels the urge to purchase this vest. Don’t ask me why, but I am somehow less concerned about his rifle and more concerned about the tactical vest. We almost need to try and get into that guy’s mind to understand the full picture. Let’s take a look at what he said in his review piece-by-piece:
- “it fit this gorilla”
- Why is he calling himself a gorilla? Does he mean guerrilla? Maybe that shamrock tat is throwing me off, but I think this guy is trying to tell us that he belongs to that Northern Ireland terrorist group.
- “it said it would fit up to a 2x… and seeing as how i am a 3x I was a little worried,,”
- Credit to me for the spot-on overweight prediction
- “after some pulling and tugging and help getting it fitted by the wife,,”
- Imagine the type of woman she must be to look this dude in the eyes and say “I do.”
- “…and wen out and started walking and running around on my range..”
- Whenever he wasn’t walking on his range you could find him running on his range!
- Do we have any listeners of the podcast here? Do you guys remember when I proposed a ‘Watchlist’ law where I get to select a citizen for the police to perform a thorough background check without cause? Well, I’d like to go ahead and burn one of my watchlists for this year.
- and if you’re a weekend warrior like me,,then this will suite you just fine…
- um…