What the hell did I just watch? That was attempted murder on tape.
He took that poor bastard and fucked him up for 10 minutes straight. It didn’t seem like there was any rhyme or reason to that stuff he was doing. “Oh shit now would be a good time to get the Black and Decker tools out.”
I’ve spent 10 minutes on Home Depot’s website trying to figure out wtf that thing is and at this point my best guess is that it’s this jigsaw ⬇️
Quite interesting that this man chose to go with a jigsaw during his “treatment” aka torture session. This isn’t the first Jigsaw that I’ve seen send a man writhing in agony and begging for it to stop.
I want to break this video down, but I don’t even know how to go about it. Let’s just take it from the top in chronological order and I’ll touch on the highlights.
Introductions
This chiropractor’s name is Dr. Gregory Johnson of Houston, Texas and today he is here to show you some treatment techniques on a man named “Eddie.” Eddie tells us absolutely NOTHING about his state of well-being but this doctor does a whole lot of speaking for him. First he tells us Eddie is in terrible pain and shows us a baseline of posture.
The Eddie guy looks slightly hunched over for sure, but the look on his face doesn’t say “I’m in pain.” I think it says something more like “I’m terrified that he’s going to put me in a lot of pain.” There is a hostage vibe from the very beginning of this video.
The Environment
Is it just me or does this room feel like it was thrown together in a last-minute fashion? That painting looks like it should be in some rich guy’s creepy basement. The brown stool that looks like it’s from your dad’s basement but he won’t throw it away because it’s “been in the family for generations.” And that Kmart build-your-own shelf that’s cluttered up with spray bottles, pictures, and pillows.
Let’s take a closer look at that picture on the right.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but that doesn’t look like a loving wife picture. That looks like he went to some swimsuit model convention and got a photo personally autographed.
Yep. Just what I thought. That’s an autographed picture of a model (I hope she’s not something else).
I’m somewhat of an expert in interpreting shitty handwriting. And I’ll bet my life that says “To Dr. Greg Johnson. My Houston Chiropractor.” It might say “Handsome” instead of “Houston” but I think that would only make matters worse. If you walk into your doctor’s office and see something like this – you should immediately walk back out.
The Agenda
Doc Johnson tells us in a very suspicious manner that he’s going to “decompress” this gentleman and then set him on the torture table. I’m pretty uncomfortable with the way he was scratching his neck while glossing over the “I already did the neurological stuff.” Seems like the kinda thing you would do if you were worried about being taken to court some day and wanted to put a disclaimer on tape that might save you.
And again, the patient says NOTHING. I’m not even convinced he can understand what the doctor is saying. I guess he’s just along for the ride!
Stage 1 – Set the Tone
This guy walked in here in moderate pain, but let’s ramp it up. Start with an attempted decapitation.
And then after yanking his neck in an elongated direction (similar to how you would hang someone) he asks “Did you feel that all the way down?” And poor Eddie is in so much pain that he can’t even formulate the word “yes.”
All of this followed up by an all-time quote from doc. “You did good on that, you didn’t scream near as loud as the last guy.”
Funny that he would admit the last guy was in pain on camera. And question why this guy wasn’t equally as in pain. I’m guessing that’s only because the last guy could actually speak English and also wasn’t being taped during his torture session.
Stage 2 – Welcome to the Big Leagues
“Get the fuck up I’m taking your ass over to big boy table.”
Underrated moment of the video was when the doc crumpled up some paper and fired it at the trash can before saying “made that one.”
And that’s when the real “therapy” begins.
I would love to know what he did to that massage table to transform it into some sort of mechanical bull aka bucking machine that blasts the patient in the abdomen with an impact.
“Keep breathing. I got you. Quit your goddam groaning and keep breathing.”
“Don’t stop breathing. I don’t want you to die yet.”
Stage 3 – The Calm Before the Storm
“If you aren’t paralyzed yet then roll over onto your stomach. I got some legwork to perform on you.”
It was actually pretty humane of Doc Johnson to give this guy’s spine a rest and torture his knees for a little bit. “You shoulda felt that in your knee and your back.”
Another blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment but the cameraman actually chimes in and tells the torture patient that he’s “looking a lot better already.” He says it right when the patient is grimacing while attempting to get on his feet.
And I love the look that Eddie shoots back to him.
Stage 4 – Insanity Warmup
After giving Eddie a whole 60 seconds to catch his breath (keep breathin!), Doc has him onto his back again so he can drive his elbow into it.
All of this just leading up to the hellstorm that is Stage 5.
Stage 5 – Insanity
If you can watch this next portion of the video without uncontrollably laughing, then you deserve an award.
WOW. The cries of pain from Eddie are drowned out by that 400-decibel hand tool. VROOOOOMMMMM “ahhhh ahhh ohh” VRRRRROOOOMMMM
As a general rule of thumb, if you are holding a power tool that requires being plugged into a 110 Volt outlet, that tool should be NOWHERE near any human other than the operator. And why not just use a massage gun instead of this homemade jigsaw gun device? Probably because this man wants to see the world burn.
Stage 6 – Insanity Cooldown
After driving a jigsaw into the patients ribcage, let’s take an opportunity to do some cool down stretches (and make sure the bastard is still breathing).
Stage 7 – Post Torture Evaluation
Here’s where doc stands up the patient to look him over and assess today’s short-term damage. (The long-term effects are anyone’s guess.) Let’s take a look at him.
That man undeniably looks worse now than he did when he walked in. It’s not debatable. He’s profusely sweating, he’s bent at more of an angle, and his arms look like they can no longer relax at his sides. He looks like he’s in the middle of ripping off a deadlift.
Stage 8 – Hail Mary
When you’ve thrown the entire book at the patient and he still won’t drop to his knees, then you go for the hail mary. What’s the hail mary you ask? Point a nail gun into the side of his neck and pull the trigger.
But bad news for Doc Johnson – LEGENDS NEVER DIE BABY.
Stage 9 – Tell Your Friends
Hard to believe he’s still standing. But hey, let’s see if you can score some referrals from this session.
THE END
So that’s pretty much it. 11 minutes and 24 seconds of pure entertainment. Let’s wrap up with some of the best of the best in the Youtube comment section:
PS – I had to look up Doc Johnson’s 2nd most watched video and it’s of some poor high school cheerleader. I can’t imagine why they disabled the comment section on this one! Not creepy at all.
