5. Acting Like Your Occupation is Important
Is there anything worse than the guy in your friend group who enjoys discussing his job without invitation? The phrase “nobody cares” gets tossed around a lot but it actually rings true here. I can assure you that none of your friends give one flying you-know-what about the stuff you have going on at work.
We’re all fighting the same battle of trying not to blow our brains out at work every day. If I walked into your office on any given Tuesday at 10:30am there is a 50% chance you are on ESPN.com reading a breaking news story on a sport that you don’t even follow. Tell me more about how hard you’ve been busting your ass in between half-hour conversations with the guy across the hall.
Allow me to be the bearer of bad news. Everybody is faking it. Faking it til they make it. Everyone from the Pizza Hut Cook to the Lead Sales Director at Amazon is just grinding out the week so they can enjoy some weekend freedom. Just winging shit. Signing off on this, recommending that.
The only difference between the cook and the sales director is that the cook is pretending to be an expert of an 8 year-old stovetop, and the sales director is pretending to be an expert of convincing people to buy stuff on a bazillion dollar website. The cook says simple shit like “That rear left burner isn’t getting enough oxygen. We need to clean it out.” And the sales director says vague shit (that means nothing) like “It’s all about building our brand” and “How can we improve logistics?” Neither of them actually know what the hell they are doing.
I once overheard a person in a job interview lobbying with the hiring manager to work part-time as opposed to full-time. When the hiring manager explained that the job would require a daily 8-hour commitment, the candidate had the nerve to say “well 4 hours of work from me is 8 hours of work for most people.” The statement was so asinine that I considered barging into the room with my own seal of approval. “I don’t know what on earth that means, but we can’t afford to let this guy slip through our fingers.”
Snake’s recommended punishment:
1st offense: Sobering warning from friend group delivered intervention style
2nd offense: 4 weeks of work with a roofing contractor so you can understand what a real job is
3rd offense: 30-90 days in local jail
4. Leaving Dog Shit on the Ground
This is going to be short and simple.
There is ZERO reason to ever leave dog shit on the ground. No reason.
I don’t care if it’s runny. I don’t care if you don’t have a bag. I don’t care if “nobody is ever going to walk through here.” If there is shit lying in public grass that regularly gets mowed then you need to figure out how to remove it.
Snake’s recommended punishment:
1st offense: Dog goes to adoption agency (you clearly can’t look after it so lets find somebody that will)
2nd offense: 30-90 days in jail
3rd offense: 3-5 years in prison
3. Pushing Ahead on the Plane
For the sake of naming this offense something simple I went with the act of trying to de-board the plane before the people who are seated in front of you. But let it be known this is an all-encompassing category for the general act of being an asshole at the airport.
For example, here are some things that would land you in this category:
- Not having your stuff ready to deal with TSA security and/or scanner (asking questions, fumbling with your shit, etc.)
- Talking loudly on any sort of hands-free device
- Not being able to find your designated boarding position and/or seat
- Arguing with the mask mandate
- Arguing in general. This includes any sort of confrontation that could potentially lead to flight delays.
- Standing up the moment the plane lands
- Bitching about how slowly the plane is de-boarding
- De-boarding the plane when it is not your turn
Snake’s recommended punishment:
1st offense: 1 year ban from all U.S. airlines
2nd offense: Lifetime ban from all U.S. airlines with the exception of Spirit Airlines
3rd offense: Lifetime ban from entering any U.S. airports (have fun driving everywhere the rest of your life) ANDDDD 3-5 years in prison
2. NCAA Rule Violations
So this one has been on my mind for a while. It’s no secret that Penn State got royally F’d over back in 2012. A group of people (most of whom had no idea who Jerry Sandusky was) were forced to pay $60mil in fines, banned from playing in bowl games, lost potential scholarships, etc. The NCAA decided to hand out a punishment that was “worse than the death penalty” in order to send a message that nobody is above the law at any college program. Which is ironic because anybody who ever shared a conversation with Jerry Sandusky went to prison and/or died with the exception of the big redheaded fuck who claims to have witnessed him committing an assault. That guy got paid 12 million dollars for a reason that is still unclear to me 10 years later. But that’s neither here nor there.
The point is, the NCAA is famous for handing out massive punishments to groups of people who have nothing to do with the infractions that took place. But ironically, the guys who actually do the cheating and violating skate off scot-free. “Well, we legally can’t do anything about him. All we can do is punish the school.”
My favorite example of this is the one and only Cheat Carroll!
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the story, Cheat C and his buddies arranged for the bribes of guys like Reggie Bush to commit to USC. The NCAA found out about it and when Cheat caught wind that the punishment was coming he said, “Hell with this. That Seahawks job looks pretty cool.”
I’m not kidding about this, you can look it up. The NCAA essentially handed a brand new staff at USC some bowl bans and scholarship reductions while Cheat was busy with NFL training camp up in Seattle.
So what am I proposing? Well, its quite simple. HOW ABOUT WE GO AFTER THE ASSHOLES WHO ARE ACTUALLY CHEATING??? Call up congress and change some jurisdictional laws or something. Do whatever you have to do to bring guys like Pete Carroll into a court of law.
The next college coach that participates in bribes, recruiting violations, excessive practices, etc. should be subject to the following:
Snake’s recommended punishment:
1st offense: 12 straight hours of Oklahoma drills amongst the nation’s top-100 interior lineman
2nd offense: 3-5 years in prison
3rd offense: Life sentence in maximum security prison (If you think I’m fucking around here you are mistaken. It’s time to clean this NCAA shit up.)
1. Tractor Trailers in the Left Lane
My far and away #1. Second place is not close. Something NEEDS to be done about truck drivers. I’ve gone on record about this to friends and family. Hell, I’ve gone on record on the podcast. “It’s been written about! It’s been talked about!”
But I’ll say it here again.
PSA: If you are driving one of those big ass trucks and you ever find yourself in the left lane…do me everyone a favor and yank the wheel hard left and drive off the road and get into a fiery horrific crash.
This is not up for debate. There is no reason for a truck like that to ever ever ever ever ever ever ever be anywhere but the right lane. I don’t give a shit if buddy in front of you is maxing out up a hill at 25mph. Guess what. You get to sit right behind him. So set your cruise control and break open another bag of cheetos. You’re going to want to get comfortable in that right lane.
Snake’s recommended punishment:
1st offense: Stern warning from police. A left-lane violation card will be issued to you and you will have an electronic flag put on your driving record. No fines. No court. Just a stern warning.
2nd offense: Life in prison
3rd offense: Public execution firing squad style in a heavily foot-trafficked area such as your city hall*
*truth be told I’m not sure how this person gets behind the wheel again after the 2nd offense, but better safe than sorry
PS – I stole borrowed that truck photo from some rando on twitter who coincidentally was fighting the good fight back in 2018.
Next election, lets vote on this national referendum: any semi truck in left lane (driving the exact speed as the truck in right lane for miles while impeding dozens of automobiles) is pulled over & fined $5,000. Second offense = $10,000 & loss of CDL for life. #ThursdayThoughts pic.twitter.com/oTFqBzuwYH
— Damian Mason (@DamianPMason) November 8, 2018
I don’t know who you are Damian Mason, but let’s meet up for a beer some time. On me.