You may have noticed I previously discussed Johnny Football’s ongoing life trainwreck here and here. One of my major concerns with Johnny is that he has surrounded himself with people who don’t strike me as top notch in the responsibility department. One of those people being the gentleman who decided to film the Manziel rooftop leap video. I noticed that Johnny had tagged someone in that video, and from there I was able to deduce the Chef Curry camera guy was non other than Cody Alt. I’ve seen this Cody Alt fella quite frequently in Johnnys crew. The only reason I remembered who he was is from thinking “holy shit look at that tool, I need to write about him” every time I see him. When I made that connection that he was the idiot recording the cell phone video in his underwear + curry jersey I had no choice but to investigate.
Before we begin – I fear that there is nothing I can possibly say to prepare you for the level of cringe that is about to ensue as I share the photos and captions that Cody Alt posts for the world to see. This level of arrogance and lack of self-awareness should be studied in a lab. Maybe there is some sort of military application that could benefit from bringing in guys like this. So without further ado let me share some of the gold!
Yikes. Right off the bat and we’ve got a big old YIKES. I warned you there would be no shortage of cringing. That profile pic is lol worthy. I wonder how many redos he took before he nailed it and got the shot he wanted. Was he actually driving anywhere or was he just bored and walked out to his car for a photoshoot? “Entrepreneur.” “Built a few companies.” “#WinnersWin”
This guy has CON ARTIST written all over him. Seems like the type of tool who would post some drake lyrics about “loyalty over everything” but would also be the first guy to turn on his friends during a police interrogation. 900 photos is a lot to dig through. But let’s start digging.
Obligatory facial hair ‘quarantine’ pic despite the fact this guy advertises the fact that he’s been out in public drinking like a fish for the entire year of 2020. There’s nothing worse than when someone does the “check out my weird, quirky facial hair that I secretly hope you tell me looks good” photo. And this is coming from a guy who likes to run a mustache from time to time. I think the mustache is a cool look, but there’s no reason to let your instagram followers know every time you give it a run.
Thank god this guy is here to give us the Jeff Bezos Ted Talk of success in dumbed-down bro language. “Just find a new fucking store broski!” The arrogance of this statement. He’s seriously comparing real small business entrepreneurs risking their personal and financial well-being to driving down an extra stoplight to find some shit paper. Only a person who has never actually struggled trying to build something legitimate would have this mindset. But cue up all the morons who will comment 
.
What a complete load of shit with that caption. Spare me the motivational pep talk man. I’m already getting that identical speech template from the 9 girls on IG trying to sell me hair products (that are probably in the process of being studied and will later be found to be directly linked to skin cancer).
I wonder how old this tool is. Under 30 I guess? His gf is 23 and she doesn’t look very into herself either. I’d be STUNNED if these two aren’t cooking their grandkids a scrumptious Thanksgiving dinner 40 years from now. They look like the definition of happily ever after! In all seriousness though this relationship might actually work out. If these two people are both investing that much love into themselves they may not have time to notice how seriously flawed their partner is.
This pic caught my attention for the caption more than the image. Don’t get me wrong – he looks like he spent 3 hours getting dressed in front of a mirror for the occasion. But I was more fascinated with him making the comment about his friend pressuring him to buy supplements for months on end. I’ve never really understood the logistics behind that ‘sell you scam products’ business model. If all of these con artists are all bullshitting their way through life selling salt water capsules to each other…why are they always dripping in money and expensive shit? Maybe they all come from gigantic families and can scam/guilt enough aunts and uncles into buying their “supplements.” It’s almost like they are simply getting an advance on their inheritance money. Whatever the case is, I’m quite confident we have a ‘Big Short’ situation on the horizon with all these snake oil salesmen. It’s that scene where Steve Carell meets the Florida mortgage brokers. “I don’t get it, why are they confessing?” “They’re not confessing, they’re bragging.” All I know is this pyramid sales shit will come crashing down. A screaming halt the likes we haven’t seen since Kemba walker put the brakes on that Pitt guy.
Drink it down boys! “Hey guys in the event that you can’t afford to buy this drug that you probably don’t need I am now doing payment plans so I can further fuck you over via the power of compound interest. Come check it out!”
This one is very low-key underrated. It’s hard to believe this influencer con artist male model has a dad that looks like he drinks Budweisers and screams at Dallas Cowboys players through his 40″ plasma screen TV. I can only imagine this Cody guy trying to explain the marketing strategies behind his pyramid scheme CBD business to his dad who probably still has a “NOBAMA” sticker on the back of his Ford Ranger. It’s also very unsettling how much he looks like the blonde girl from Ozark’s criminal dad.
There it is! The profile pic. “Would you like yourself? If you met you?” To answer your rhetorical question…no. There is nobody on earth that would like you if they met you and you were dressed like that unironically. If you walked up to me and said hi I’d respond by saying “Is that a golf polo underneath your sport jacket?” Then I’d pretend to take a phone call and walk in the opposite direction of you.
Oh shit. I have never stopped to consider the fact that I’m sipping the haterade on Cody because I want to have his life. I’m sure his logic here is correct but I have to admit I’m having a hard time convincing myself that I’d enjoy dressing up for Halloween every day. “All right time to get this day started. Hang on I’ll be right there guys just let me grab my Real Housewives shades, 12 pound watch, magic volcano wrist beads, and dog tag necklace!!”
No additional commentary from me on this one just read his caption and enjoy the laugh.
Again, I have nothing to add.
Cringing yet? You have to at least be feeling uncomfortable.
Quick sidetrack from Cody to check in on this guy who has somehow accomplished the feat of having a hairstyle while simultaneously being bald. What in the world is going on here? “Hey Mr. Barber could I get the straight-out-the-womb haircut please?”
For the love of god if I ever start balding like that PLEASE remind me to just buzz my head. It looks a million times better than trying to trick people into thinking you still have hair. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being bald. It’s completely out of your control. Cutting your hair to look like a troll doll is however entirely within your control. Ok – back to the tool at hand.
Serious question – If all you do is post pictures of yourself golfing, lifting, sitting in cars, and vacationing how are you also going to try and convince me that you are ALWAYS GRINDING #WINNERSWIN. Unless you have found one of those Hermoine Granger time travel things I’m not convinced there is enough hours left in your day to do any real work. I suppose there is a few business meeting photos here and there…
Oh look at that it’s our old pal Dan Bilzerian! I never would have imagined that these two guys would get along. Who woulda thought!
In between posting pictures of his lambos (#blessed #humbled) he posts this pic of a truck that should require a CDL license to drive. I’m going to sleep a little more soundly at night knowing this tool will cause himself so much unnecessary stress and inconvenience trying to park this stupid fucking truck. Looks practical for a quick run to Walgreens!
Here is your classic case of the tool in a suit making sure he gets the big shiny watch in the picture. My theory is still going strong!
Just cause he’s jacked doesn’t mean he doesn’t like to break a mental sweat ladies! He’s being too modest wearing that weed polo while he STUDIES THE SCIENCE of the “little plants.” C’mon bro you should just throw on the lab coat and let’s go all in on the dog and pony show. Also the part about not being able to sleep without drugs had me in tears. Severe sleep insomnia. “Well guys either I have to take a shit ton of xanax or i just take these tiny totally safe gummies that I haven’t the slightest clue of their long-term effects and I get 12 hours of sleep in 6 hours time.” Hey I have a suggestion man. Maybe try putting down your cell phone at night instead of staring at pictures of yourself!
“Headphones on. World off. Douchebag friend crouching down on a knee to take a picture of me.” I have been staring at that hat for 10 seconds now trying to imagine what it would take for me to ever put something like that on my head, let alone put it on before heading to the gym.
Just for shits and giggles I had to scroll back to the first very beginning of his instagram career. I needed to know if he slowly transitioned into a tool or if it was always in his DNA. Nature or nurture. I think these two photos pretty much sum it up.
OK I’m tooled out.
The reason this blog is so long is because I couldn’t figure out how to draw a line for the stopping point. I was honestly having a hard time picking and choosing which photos of this guys gram were worthy of making the cut. Ultimately I just randomly picked and chose. It’s impossible to wade through this vast collection of douchebaggery. It’s 1000 pictures of A+ material. I’ve never seen anyone else this in love with themself. In fact, I think we have a new leader. Move over Week 2, there’s a new tool at the top. Cody Alt’s account almost resembles one of those compilation accounts where they repost pictures of tools across the internet doing tool things. The only difference is this guy has managed to create one of those comedy accounts by just being himself.