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Tool of the Week: Week 8

I can’t believe I’ve been writing on here for over a month and I haven’t mentioned Chris Cuomo. “But Snake you said you aren’t interested in politics!” Yeah I’m not. I honestly couldn’t give less of a shit if this guy is registered as a nazi (you can’t do that can you?). There’s way more important things to discuss about this guy than his personal politics. Starting with – Can you imagine posting a picture like this of yourself?

“Hey there Instagram followers! Don’t let these massive, manly, hetero biceps I’m carrying around distract you from the fact that I am pro-gay rights. Nothing to see here except for me standing up for what I believe in!”

That shit is hilarious. Not trying to draw attention to himself in the least bit. This guy is the real life version of that Lonely Island song where Andy Samberg stands up for gay rights while also making sure you are aware he’s EXTREMELY straight.

I gotta say I didn’t even know who Chris Cuomo was until somewhat recently. The guy really got on my radar a year ago when I saw this video of some random guy absolutely DOGGING him at a bar: 

Let me be very clear. Both of those guys in the video are huge tools. But if I’m picking sides – I’m taking Cuomo and it’s not even close. That no-name guy walked into that bar with one goal in mind – the intention of trying to agitate a public figure. Standing there with his chest puffed out and saying “I thought your name was Fredo” with that dumbfounded look on his face. I truly wish the LGBT-savior version of Popeye would have clocked him in the face and “thrown him down the fucking stairs like a punk.”

And I’ll even give Cuomo some more credit. I think for the most part when guys like him get into these confrontations it never stands a chance of escalating past some name-calling and empty threats. But in that video, I genuinely think he wanted the no-name guy to swing so he could fire back. Basically it turned into your classic “I pray to god this rich guy punches me in the face so I can sue” versus “I pray to god this middle-class guy punches me in the face so I can punch him in the face” stalemate. 

All that being said, Cuomo still comes across as a tool. Hey, I’m Italian. If someone called me Fredo I would be 0.00% offended. I wouldn’t even recognize the name you just called me and after 3 seconds of confusion I’d move on with my day. Comparing a character’s FICTIONAL name to an N bomb is an insane lack of self awareness. And given the fact that you are a news anchor on a gigantic network you probably shouldn’t be escalating the situation by screaming the F word and telling people you will “ruin” and “wreck their shit”. 

Other than that he does do a pretty tremendous job of explaining the situation. “My name is Chris Cuomo. I am an anchor on CNN. Fredo is from the Godfather. He is a weak brother.” I actually found myself hoping that he would just continue on speaking in that storyteller cadence. “If you do not stop agitating me with your name calling I will be forced to physically harm you with blunt force trauma.”

Now it’s time for the real meat and potatoes of this blog. And this is a regret I have to live with. I should have dropped everything I was doing back in April and put 100% of my time and resources into getting this site up and running. Because this story NEEDED to be told:

Chris Cuomo either faked or dramatized his COVID experience for clicks. 

That’s a real thing. Some people will get mad about me saying that and argue that I’m downplaying a disease. But the truth is this guy got on CNN every day and drummed up a new story to try and draw an audience. Don’t believe me? Keep reading, I dare you. 

Let’s start from the top. The big announcement on March 31.

Rule #1 of serious announcements is to get out your iphone notes app and type “Sooooooo.” Everybody knows that. Also – not the best look when you spell the thing you just “tested positive” for incorrectly. It’s just one word brotha. But those symptoms! Fever, chills, and shortness of breath! Jesus, it’s almost like he’s the webmd posterchild. 

And how about that hilarious bit about his family enjoying him being confined to the basement? Classic self-deprecating Chris! In all seriousness, THANK GOD despite being infected with this absurdly contagious virus he was able to have a full crew of CNN tech employees enter his home (more specifically his quarantined basement) to hook up a world-class satellite feed so he could continue to anchor his talk show. Oh look here they come carting millions of dollars of broadcast equipment up his driveway. The show must go on!!

Cue the “What does he have to gain from faking it?” crowd. Great point. I haven’t figured that part out yet.

Time to dig into the good stuff. Full breakdowns of his symptoms. He’s already mentioned the fever, chills, and difficulty breathing. But nothing clears up those lungs quite like a 4-hour broadcast talking about how rough of shape you are in.

Don’t even think about thinking about feeling sorry for Chris. He is so effing lucky. Please direct all thoughts and prayers to all those people who aren’t as lucky as Chris. But now that he has your attention – listen to this story about him getting beaten like a pinata and chipping his tooth from shivering so hard!

Possibly my favorite moment from the entire Cuomo-Corona experience right there ↑. Skip past the bullshit patting himself on the back stuff if you want and just go to the 1-minute mark. 

“I’ve lost 13 pounds in 3 days….My wife is feeding me like we are still in the dating phase…I’m eating and drinking constantly. I’m just sweating it out.” LOL this had me rolling. We’ve all been there. The first thing you do when you are feeling miserably sick is to devour everything in site. Pasta, bread, potatoes, ground beef. MOW IT ALL DOWN.

*Flash to Chris Cuomo in his basement with a splitting headache. He’s burning up. He can’t keep his head out of the toilet.* 

*Picks head up out of the toilet and turns towards the stairs* “Hey honey how’s that lasagna coming along!? Bring two plates of it down!”

Also FYI 13 pounds would mean he had lost TWO GALLONS of sweat in 3 days. Plus he has to counteract all of those carbs his wife is feeding him. So realistically he’s probably losing a gallon plus of sweat a day. Imagine taking a one gallon jug of water and pouring the entire thing out onto your bed. Just a laughable statement. 

In case you don’t want to watch 7 minutes of poor acting I’ll provide you with the highlights:

  •  0:00-0:15: Chris must have previously claimed that he’s having dreams of his brother approaching him in a ballet costume with a wand
    • That’s not the fever doing that to you, Chris.
  •  0:18-0:35: Chris casually mentions he currently has a 101 fever like he’s discussing the weather
    • I could grab my thermometer and “tell you if you want” but that would kind of defeat the entire masquerade I am working on here.
    • “I run a little cool.” Chris ALWAYS runs a 97.6° body temp. That’s probably from his incredible state of physical health.
  • 3:27-3:38: In between knocking out “hits” on CNN Chris sleeps for 10 hours during the daytime. Which is weird because just 2 minutes ago he said “I can’t sleep because of the fever.”
  • 6:10-7:03: Chris says he was not social distancing and he was expecting to get this virus all along. Also – nobody knows how they get the virus.

That sure was nice of the guys in the hazmat suits who dropped off the broadcasting equipment to come back to Chris’ basement to install a giant ass x-ray machine. Live look at Chris’ basement:

Infiltrate. Infiltrate. Infiltrate. Did somebody say infiltrate? Infiltrate. Infiltrate. HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS INFILTRATE. Oh wait a second every radiologist on earth is saying there is no infiltrate in that x-ray.

Keep in mind that as Chris mentioned in his virus announcement, the only concern he really had about contracting the virus was giving it to his family. Hopefully his wife is just leaving those heaping plates of food at the foot of the basement door. Let’s check in on his wife’s instagram to see how she was holding up during all of this:

Oh look at that. A nice little insightful post about Chris’ ongoing recovery. Apparently she posted this April 6th and she states that Chris is 11 days in at this point. So let’s assume his first symptoms showed up March 27th (this will be useful to know later on). She states a whole bunch of stuff here basically detailing how to properly recover from COVID. So much stuff that I can’t capture it all in a picture. I’m going to post her entire caption below. The key takeaway is really the stuff I’m highlighting in red. But feel free to read it all.

Every day is a gift. ♥️ Many have asked how Chris is doing and what meds he’s taking. Here’s an update: After one week of up and down symptoms—chills, body aches, total exhaustion, sleeplessness, and a fever that hit 103, he is on day 11 today, (day 1 being first day of allergy-like symptoms)—he seems slightly better, but still feels the incredible lethargy, with fever down to 99 for past 3 days. His Oxygen levels (tested daily on a finger Oximeter) were normal all week. He has maintained his sense of taste and smell, but not his usual hearty Italian appetite. His lungs were x-rayed yesterday and they were mostly clear. 💙 Thank you for amazing homemade goodies from friends and the outpouring of love + humor so many of you have provided. They are the oxygen for these biblical times. 🙏 ….
CHRIS’ CORONA PROTOCOL—WEEK ONE, began March 30th when positive test came back: ….
🌼 FOR MEDICINE: I enlisted @drlindalancaster @lightharmonics , an Energy Medicine physician, who helped me cure my aggressive Lyme Disease last summer and who treated my mother for breast cancer 20 years ago. Her training is in Ayurveda, medical radiesthesia, radionics, energy healing, nutrition, herbal medicines and detoxification. Since this particular virus has no proven remedy, as Lyme does not, she assigned oxygenated herbs, natural remedies and homeopathics to strengthen Chris’ immune system for the battle ahead. ….
🥗 FOR FOOD: The food plan I outlined was meant to cleanse his liver with whole, vital, organic foods so it can manage the viral die-off and provide him with much-needed energy, nutrients, anti-viral, anti-inflammatory properties, like basic chicken soup, + foods low in chemicals like pesticides. ….
🌞 FOR BREATHE + MOVEMENT: 30 minutes daily sunshine helps Vitamin D level. He has also been sitting in the @sunlightensaunas daily, which makes him feel better + has helped with his fever. He has been doing breathing (resonance) exercises everyday for his lungs (video in link), as well as walking around the yard 🌸 so he can get fluid flowing out of lungs. 💛 For all the info on CHRIS’ DAILY ANTI VIRALS + MY DIARY OF FOOD—WEEK ONE, see link in bio. #rebirth

 

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What the heck are half of those words? I like to call it like I see it. So I’m just going to come out and say it. The man’s wife hired a witch doctor to experiment on her husband. If I had to pick between whatever all that bullshit is and the holistic healer from that Seinfeld episode where George turns blue….I’ll take the Seinfeld guy.

holisitc

Apparently Cristina is some sort of holistic healer herself. Seems almost convenient that she was able to use her husband’s COVID experience to promote her business and knock down some advertising! @sunlightensaunsas here to save the day!

So let’s move along – the date is now April 15 and Chris is still confined to the basement. I’m sure the viewership is dying down a little bit as people are getting tired of hearing about this guys symptoms for 3 weeks now…BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!

Goddamit Chris you gave it to Cristina. You son of a bitch. You shouldn’t have called up for 7th slice of pizza last night. She must have contracted it during the handoff.

So as of April 15th, Cristina has COVID. Again, keep that in mind as we move along. 

Ok so it’s confirmed that Chris gave it to Chris, I mean Cristina, 17 days into his symptoms. Thankfully she is MUCH stronger than Chris, as he admits here. So you’ve got both adults in the house sick. Now what? Should she join Chris in the basement? He says no. He says he can’t risk his wife getting him sick because he might not have the antibodies (even though he is already sick?). Just trust him it makes perfect sense. So she’s locked away in the second basement of the house. And the kids are running the show! Let’s just hope they don’t get sick (even though they probably won’t because at 2:40 he says they already had it months ago).

Ok let’s keep moving along here…flash forward a few days…

What the fuck!? You mean to tell me that after ONLY a month of living in that basement he is already coming up the stairs? THANK GOD the full camera crew was able to pop in with the hazmat suits, yet again, for this special occasion. 

How about the balls on this guy to walk up to his wife and fake cough on her after a month of guilt-tripping the country that the virus wasn’t being taken seriously enough. Wait a minute did I just say “wife”??? The guy literally just got done telling us that his wife got COVID 4 days ago. And he leads off by fake coughing on her and saying “she is more than 7 days from her quarantine.” Even if she had quarantined for 7 days in 4 days time, since when do you only have to quarantine for 7 days? This tool is completely making it up as he goes and now he’s just tripping over his own bullshit story. Chris was sick for a month straight and his wife was sick for 4 days. Ok cool, hook em. She must have recovered so quickly by ingesting all of that cancerous shit she is selling out of her pyramid scheme holistic business.

Oh and don’t mind the CNN cameras, kids. Just be your complete normal selves as we interact as a picture perfect family that loves each other very much. I just got done intentionally coughing without covering my mouth so naturally I’m going to give you a hang loose sign as a greeting. Chris goes on to rationalize his kids’ bizarre reactions by saying his kids were “spooked by this.” LOL. No man they are probably just puzzled as to why a camera crew came into their house to film you coming up the stairs from your peloton workout. “Daddy why did you go down into the basement to workout when you already drove to gym this morning?”

Good lord does anybody else need a beer after reading through that Mount Everest sized load of horseshit? And that’s the type of guy that’s going to get on TV and make voting recommendations to people that can’t formulate thoughts for themselves. 

Oh and before I go I forgot one last thing:

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