Week 5 ladies and gentleman. Last week I decided to grab some low hanging fruit and chose a CFB strength coach. This week I saw an apple laying on the ground and picked out a UFC fighter. I don’t have the psychology degree to back it up, but my gut tells me there might as well be a checkbox on the UFC application box that says something to the effect of “Are you willing to risk your life in order to prove someone from high school wrong?”
I don’t know shit about fighting. But I know this: In order to fight in the UFC you only need four things.
- Incredible levels of strength, toughness, and insecurity
- A disturbingly low understanding of CTE and long-term consequences
- Unaddressed anger management issues
- Five-plus childhood years of your dad telling you “you are never gonna make it.”
Again, it feels like I am fishing with dynamite by picking out a UFC guy. It’s similar to picking a CFB strength coach in that it has a 1000% hit rate. It’s like swinging at a piñata. Hand Ray Charles a baseball bat and give him 30 minutes. Eventually he’s going to hit it and spill the candy – aka choose a UFC fighter who stares in the mirror for two hours a day.
So how did I end up choosing PLATINUM Mike Perry for this week? Well if you are like me and have a moderate to serious sports gambling problem, you may have come across this gentlemen within the past few weeks. Pretty much the only sport that is worth betting on at this point is UFC. If I’ve bet on 30 UFC fight nights I have lost money on 30 UFC fight nights. I honestly don’t remember if I lost or won money on this guy’s individual fight, but the one thing I do remember is his post-fight press conference.
Mike Perry is tired of these taxes, he's tryin' to wyle out, bro 😂 pic.twitter.com/FeewllL2Sn
— CJ Fogler #BlackLivesMatter (@cjzero) June 28, 2020
“It’s almost like I don’t even fight for minimum wage sometimes.” – Mike Perry
PAGING DANA WHITE – Please Please Please reduce this mans salary to a tax-free minimum wage. Just ask him how many hours a week he spends training. Even if he says something absurd like 80 hours, you can offer him a tax-free minimum wage of $30,000. Can you imagine getting your brain juggled around your skull for 30k? Mike Perry can!
I’m sure you have that one friend that has excitedly told you they “got a huge refund from the IRS this year!”. I slowly die inside every time I hear that sort of thing. Just FYI bud, that was your money in the first place and the government held onto it for zero reason and pissed away your theoretical interest. Basically, Mike Perry is the next-level version of that where not only would he be excited to see a tax refund…he’s actually so dumb that he doesn’t understand what income tax is.
“But Snake, cut him a break. He’s trying to wile out and do Mai Tais on the beach.” Oh damn I didn’t realize that. Sorry for the misunderstanding, Mike. You should have told me you were planning on budgeting $100k for wyling out. That’s like 17,000 mai tais a year aka 80 mai tais a day assuming you designate 100 days a year for sober training camp!
And if you’re thinking that tax evasion doesn’t qualify you for tool of the week, have no fear. I have some more reinforcing information for you below. This is the type of guy where you could have a pretty good understanding of his personality after one swipe of your finger on instagram.
Ok so pretty much we’re looking at roid rage fight type stuff and a little bit of showing off the much younger ball-and-chain. Over/under 11.5 months til Mike is writing child support checks?
Credit where credit is due. Mike thinks too many people were “talking that mess.” So he cut out his entire training camp and supposedly trained by sparring with his girlfriend leading up to this fight. Don’t ask me how, but he actually got the W with his girlfriend in his corner (literally).
Flexin on the haters a little bit. Yeah he’s shooping at Louis Vuitton. And in case you think he just posed for the storefront picture he’s got the gift bag to prove it. Check the receipts!
One thing every one of these tools has in common? Meathead strength. Doesn’t require a lot of brain cells to deadlift 500 pounds. He may have caused himself some serious long-term ligament damage by doing that max-out in flip flops, but he’ll pop a couple CBD pills to get everything back in working order.
This had me in tears. Reminds me of that video where the chubby kid with the swords cuts water bottles in half. You can’t tell if he’s being serious, but it seems more likely than not that he is.
BEATING THE LIVING PISS OUT OF INANIMATE OBJECTS. That pool railing didn’t stand a chance. This must be a unique training regimen his girlfriend has him working on.
Geoff @handzofsteelmma Neal melts Platinum 😱 #UFC245 pic.twitter.com/wtgEJtMIvV
— ESPN MMA (@espnmma) December 15, 2019
“You might beat my skull in to the point I need facial reconstructive surgery and have irreparable brain damage, but you’ll never knock me out (unless your name is Geoff)” – Mike Perry
Nothing says fight-ready like a good old voluntary blow to the testicles. His upcoming opponent should have forfeited the moment this video was uploaded.
And now allow me to present the Grande Finale!
Mike Perry in a bar fight last night over someone “touching him”.
— MMA Eejit 🇮🇪 (@MMAEejit) July 8, 2020
This is pretty disgusting behaviour from a UFC calibre fighter. Acting like a complete child. pic.twitter.com/ZAuxZTtXtW
- Ignoring relentless pressure from level-headed females telling him to go home? ✔
- Punching someone more than twice his age in the face? ✔
- Escalating a minor incident until the point it becomes “call the cops” worthy? ✔
- Throwing around the N word? ✔
- Calling women bitches? ✔
- Acting like that off 1.5 mai tais? ✔ (probably)
For the record I love this guy in every fight he has for the rest of his life until some medical expert steps in and forces the UFC to ban him from fighting due to health concerns. You can’t teach that level of irrational confidence. Me and my wallet are riding with Platinum from here on out.
PS – I stand corrected on the N word remark. After receiving criticism for his casual use of the word, Mike explained in a 2018 video that he took a DNA test and the results showed a 2% African trace. Mike goes on to explain he’s “legally alllowed” to say it.
