You are currently viewing Tool of the Week: Week 48

Tool of the Week: Week 48

I apologize in advance but I am 47 weeks late on featuring JJ Watt on TOTW. This man is a first-ballot unanimous Tool Hall of Fame legend. 

Does anyone actually need convincing? I feel like it’s a well known fact that JJ Watt is a complete tryhardo (just made that word up, copyright in effect). Let’s just start with his most obvious offense. A little thing I like to refer as…THE TOOL ANTHEM.

I apologize in advance for the NFL banning you from being able to watch that video on my POS website. Go screw yourself, Rog.

But please please please please do yourself a favor and go watch that video on YouTube. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WATCH THE FORT MINOR RAPPING PART.

I can’t. I just can’t do it. There’s so many pieces that have to fall into place in order to create that level of TOOL. I’ve never seen someone ham it up for the cameras like that. The backwards hat. The skin tight shirt. Bragging about achieving a PR for flipping a tire. And then to start rapping a Fort Minor song with a camera point blank in your face. Oh my god it hurts just thinking about it.

Fort fucking minor. I’m trying to think of a cheesier band and I can’t do it. If the song selection was “Til’ I Collpase” by Eminem I would say that would have made a cooler video.

Sidenote – why is it that even though I’ve never seen what Fort Minor looks like I know it’s going to consist of like 3 or 4 guys with weird hats and all of them will be questionable races/ethnicities? Let’s take a look.

YEP!!! Spot on! Going from left to right it looks like we have Winston from New Girl, a random North Carolina flicker, Jon from Kate Plus 8, and some white trash that still deals drugs to his local trailer park. Also I dare you to guess the race of anyone in that picture. 

It’s actually the perfect JJ soundtrack when you think about the type of audience they must attract. I picture a bunch of JJ-esque type guys at their concerts. Just bro-ing out with their sleeves rolled up and bouncing around banging into each other. Honestly, their audience might just be JJ Watt and his brothers. 

Well the good news for me is that while researching that Fort Minor video I just discovered this clip of the Pardon my Take guys calling out JJ to his face for this and some other cringeworthy moments…

I’m somehow more confused after hearing his explanation for that Fort Minor video. “You think something is gonna be way cooler than it is. And then not cool. It was fine.” – JJ Watt on his rap video

Also I LOLd when they nailed him on the skin tight USA t-shirt and he rationalized it by saying “Well that’s what they sent me.” Followed up by them responding “You accidentally checked off medium on the online form.”

Takes a special breed of tool to not only try the shirt on, but to then have someone photoshoot you and post it to Twitter.

And don’t let his maturity act in that PMT video fool you. This guy is still a full blown narcissist as of June 2, 2021. Below video for proof:

Hasn’t changed one bit. Still knows where the cameras are. Still runs the backwards hat. Still runs the skin tight sleeves. 

It’s like they say. Once a tool, always a tool. But before I get to more of his recent social media posts, I need to touch on a few other tool moments in his past. All of which feel uncomfortably inorganic. Buckle up.

There’s only one person on earth who thought this staged moment would look cool and that person is JJ Watt.

Tool crossover alert!! Bucci Mane x JJ = GOLD! I gotta admit that JJ looks like he can legitimately skate. But then again…he is a Wisconsin guy (and he’s not afraid to remind you of it).

Should we revisit the time that JJ got into a feud a rookie quarterback because he dared to take a selfie?

Screen Shot 2021-06-16 at 11.57.10 PM

Apparently JJ thought this selfie was so offensive that he should respond by doing a selfie sack celebration pose. 

watt selfie

(That looks like Taylor Lewan on the right, doesn’t it? The tools just keep coming.)

And to take it one step further, JJ offered the following comments in his post-game intervew:

As if this feud wasn’t stupid enough we got a response from Mettenberger several months after the episode unfolded.

letterman

BIG YIKES.

But it’s all good because JJ got the last word in and believe it or not he wasn’t even phased by that chirp.

Oh and speaking of stupid feuds…lets revisit the stupidest feud of all time!

“Our goal was to come out here and make…(pauses)….the Red Rifle look like a Red Ryder bb gun. And I think we did that tonight.” – JJ Watt

via GIPHY

That was painful. I want to know how many times he rehearsed that line in his head before the interview. Actually…given that it’s JJ Watt we are talking about, he probably practiced that in front of his bathroom mirror the night before.

So let’s see what Andy Dalton had to say in response.

*tears in his eyes* “Yeah. I mean, I’m disappointed in him. The integrity of this game. You know I have a lot of respect for him. He’s a really good player. And so. There’s a lot of kids. A lot of  people that look up to him. And for him to make comments like that, he’s just showing that it’s acceptable to do that kinda stuff and say that kinda of stuff. So its disappointing for one of the best players in this league to come out and say something like that. So that’s all I’m going to say about that.” *then says some more stuff* – Andy Dalton

via GIPHY

How on earth did Andy Dalton manage to out-loser JJ Watt in this situation? Downright impressive.

Moving on. 

Regurgitating these old JJ Watt stories is so painful that if my writing stops mid-blog just know that I couldn’t take any more pain and I had to hit the ‘publish’ button to make it stop. 

IN SUMMARY: JJ Watt took time out of his workout to post a picture of himself standing in front of a weight sled with the time. Then some mouthbreather took the bait and said “OH LOOK JJ ISN’T WATCHING KOBE’s FINAL GAME HE’S LIFTING!” And JJ Watt spins it and says that he’s not watching because he’s working to be like Kobe! 

Stick a knife straight into my eyeballs. Next.

The only person on earth who might be more into himself than JJ is his brother (who is appropriately named TJ). Who the hell texts like that? Looks like it was written as parody.

While we’re on the subject of his brother, lets transition into the lamest people on earth aka The Watts. Starting with this gem of a post featuring both of his dickhead brothers. 

If the writer of Remember the Titans met up with the writer of Little Giants they couldn’t come up with shit cheesier than what the Watt brothers do. 

“Hey guys this is us up in Wisconsin. We dug this hole out with a chainsaw then took an ice bath in it. #homegrownboys”

Oh shit that’s weird. I grew up in Pennsylvania and I drank milk too. Didn’t know that was exclusive to Wisconsin. I guess the ‘Got Milk?’ campaign that was in every elementary school across the US was really missing its target audience. Should have just set up in Wisconsin and called it a day.

I’ve never seen someone attempt to be more funny and relatable than this guy while coming across so unrelatable. He’s a real-life walking breathing Bleacher Report tweet. It’s like he was built in a lab to post unfunny stuff.

Gun to my head if I have to have a beer with one of those guys I’m picking the dad. Which is ironic because he looks like a guy with a serious drinking problem. 

Couple born and raised Wisconsin boys right there! Speaking of Wisconsin….do you guys know about “The Cabin” ???

Wow! Sounds remote. I wonder if I can find out where this thing is. 

Spoiler alert: I can.

Wow that is remote! Just don’t turn up your music too loud or that neighbor that you share a driveway with might hear you.

I wonder what the deal is with all of those crop circles…oh wait are those culdesacs? Huh. That’s weird. And what’s with the hospital? Seems odd to put a hospital “in the middle of nowhere” with “empty space and a log cabin and snow.”

Oh shit and there’s the infamous Pewaukee! Man, where I have heard that name before? Oh yeah, JJ has told us that he’s just a “kid from Pewaukee” every waking moment of his life.

JUST A KID FROM PEWAUKEE. That’s it. 

Just a little 6′-6″, 300 lb kid from a suburb 20 minutes outside a city of 600,000 people. Just a kid from Pewaukee.

As a PSA to all of you assholes out there who say shit like “just a kid from who-gives-a-shit-ville” – I would like to point out that you do indeed have to be born somewhere. Unless you are an extraterrestrial, in order to exist and say “I’m just a kid from Akron” then you will have to be born in Akron. 

So unless you are born in that city with a population of 1 where the old granny is the mayor, bartender, and librarian – please shut the fuck up about your hometown. You are not unique.

I’m sure I could cite about 50 more examples of JJ being a tool, but I’m going to transition to his instagram for the sake of not tearing my eyeballs out.

Over/under Week 7.5 before Chandler Jones gets tired of JJ Watt’s cornball act and they get in a sideline fight? Sidenote – if you want your mind blown then I’m here to tell you that Chandler Jones is Jon ‘Bones’ Jones brother.

If you scroll over to the picture of the scorecard you will see that JJ shot the low round of 96. Which is pretty remarkable considering he was 10 over through 4 holes. Hmm. I’m shocked to learn that JJ Watt cheats at golf. 

Far and away the worst part of the 2021 NFL offseason was JJ Watt making the offseason about himself and his free agency. The man was convinced that the NFL community was watching his every move with bated breath. All leading up to him “breaking his own news” by posting this picture of him posing in a squat rack.

Bud, nobody gives a shit where your old washed up ass is going to snag 6 sacks this year and miss 4 games for injuries.

Most guys end up taking matching pajama pictures at Christmas because their wife makes them. I guarantee those roles are reversed in JJ’s home.

Only in Wisconsin can you find snow AND wind! Wild stuff!

Watching that gave me that same feeling you’d get from watching a Family Guy joke that was so unfunny that it slowly became funny and then you realized it had been going on for too long and it wasn’t funny anymore. It was a cyclical experience for me but I have to admit I laughed. Just not for the reasons he tried to make me laugh.

This is going to sound majorly effed up and I take full responsibility for it. But I feel like JJ Watt posts a picture of some 200 year old woman once a month and claims its either his grandma or great-grandma and then that person passes away. But that doesn’t stop him from repeating the process the following month. Somebody might want to look into these old ladies and confirm that they are actually related to him. In the words of OJ Simpson….I’m just sayin.

For the troops baby! JJ loves him some troops!

Sweet baby Jesus it’s a Garth Brooks and JJ Watt mashup. That’s so perfect. It’s the same goddam guy separated by 25 years of age. Totally disingenuous weirdos trying super hard to be relatable.

Well I’d say JJ dressing up as a basketball cheerleader is a good one to end on. 

TOOL ON MR WATT!!!!!!!

Tool Intensifies GIF from Tool GIFs
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