This week we are going to start right in on the instagram. Rather than me provide any background on this Tool, I’m going to allow you to form your own opinion of him (spoiler: you’re going to hate him).
Right off the bat I hate it. I could tell immediately that I hate this guy and I hate his lifestyle.
Why is everything on the entire screen exceptionally obnoxious? It’s completely overbearing. Neon colors, butts, money, and handmade signage. I know this will be an unpopular take but I’ve always despised that situation where you’re casually sitting around with the fellas and the music is too loud to talk to the guy next to you on the couch. It’s 2pm on a Saturday, but your buddy who’s hooked up to the bluetooth is pretending its 3am at club LIV. And that’s exactly what comes to mind when I look at this instagram page.
So let’s go through this step by step. I have to assume “tooturnttony” translates to “Too Turnt Tony.” I’m not sure the word “turnt” still plays in 2021 but that’s neither here nor there. You know this guy sucks because his instagram bio starts with his snapchat handle, his twitter handle, and a link to his Chinese-made merchandise. The only thing I’m OK with at this point is the fact that he apparently plays golf.
Let’s start with a couple posts:
Spoke it into existence! That is indeed a lambo and those are indeed some fly bitches. So it’s safe to say that this dude has acquired his fame sometime between now and 2014. He also seems to have a thing for ducks and taking his shirt off.
Taking your shirt off = standard tool behavior. That’s a telltale identifier. As far as the duck thing…I will have to start monitoring for obscure animal obsessions.
Nothing says ‘secondhand embarrasment’ like posting this photo and allowing the viewer to see the photographers reflection in the mirror. If you didn’t know any better you’d think these tools were at a crowded Vegas pool party and some club promoter snapped a candid photo of them tagteaming a beer bong.
However I do know better and I can deduce that the one tool jumped on the other tools shoulders, poured him 1/4 of a beer, put his phone up to his ear and said “hey sis would you mind coming out to the backyard to grab a photo of us.”
The shirt is still off and the duck continues to be a photo prop.
After seeing approximately 50 simliar posts to those 3 above, I have finally deduced via google search that this tool has an income as a male model. And he also owns at least one pet duck. So shit just started to make some sense.
Do you find yourself hating him yet?
I couldn’t help but notice the top comment on this one. It’s an intriguing question, but I think the answer is pretty simple.
When someone becomes sexually attracted to himself, this does not make him a homosexual; it makes him autosexual.
And also – I know we are all pretending to do the thing where we are so politically correct that we’ve never even had a conscious thought about making fun of a gender or sexuality, but I’d like to make a quick exception. If you can’t laugh at the following quote, then you have a gigantic dump in your underwear right now.
Ok now back to TOOL TURNT TONY.
After looking up this guys personal bio, I was shocked to discover he hails from Michigan. Even after discovering that tidbit of information, if I was an oddsmaker, I’d still set the line for this tool’s home state being New Jersey at -200.
See what I mean? You’re going to look me with a straight face and tell me that’s not a Jersey guy? Screw it, I’m moving the odds to -500.
Of course his 60 year old dad is doing cringeworthy sellout shit and of course his dads name is Gordie.
I gotta admit I can appreciate the grandma sellout. If that bleu cheese chug wasn’t so disgusting I might have actually laughed at this one.
I want to close this thing out by giving this tool some credit where credit is due.
At the end of the day, this kid is just another example of each and every one of us slamming beer bongs in our early to mid 20s. And yet here I am being mildly hungover after 2 drinks on a Thursday night while this kid has parlayed his love of slamming beer bongs into millions of dollars. So no matter how bad I want to hate him, I think I actually like him.
Long live Too Turnt Tony and TOOL ON!
989-577-1644 is his cell phone