Week 44. No need for any cute intros. Let the tool speak for himself. ROLL THE DAMN TAPE!
Nothing to see here. Just Tom Hanks’ son walking down what looks like the Ocean City, MD boardwalk in a Callaway Golf hat lecturing us to “stop hatin’!!”
What? Why do you have that confused look on your face? Do you mean to tell me that you didn’t realize that was Tom Hanks’ kid? You didn’t see the uncanny resemblance?
Ok so I’m not entirely sure what the hell is going on here with the Hanks’ family tree and which of those women are Hanks children versus Hanks in-laws. But the one thing I am 100% certain of is that the guy second from the right (who’s standing as though he’s in between bench press sets at a Gold’s Gym) got the least amount of attention from his father growing up. That is one thing we know for sure. Well that, and that the guy on the left is clearly the favorite son.
So judging by that instagram video, it’s apparent that something has gone drastically wrong with son #2. The question is, why? Or better yet, when?
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Chet Hanks went off the rails somewhere between here….
and here…
There’s something fascinating about Tom Hanks’ private school Beverly Hills kid posing for a picture while holding up two pistols. Like who could he possibly have befriended to get his hands on those guns? I feel like he probably charged the watch and chain to his dad’s AMEX, but how on earth did he get his hands on a couple of Smith and Wessons? Maybe we shouldn’t rule out Amazon prop guns on this one.
Anyway, this Tool recently got on my radar because he has been rocketing up the “who gives a shit” charts lately due to this song he released (apparently he’s a rapper) called “White Boy Summer.” In case you have not heard this song or if you simply feel like cringing your face off then go ahead and watch the below videos he posted to his instagram.
As far as I can tell, none of this is parody. This fucking guy is serious.
I had to dig a little harder to see what the basis of all this “white boy summer” stuff was and there’s several instances of him attempting to explain it.
I will never stop screaming pic.twitter.com/aJlwo1gbqm
— Rap Game Ina Garten (@KaraBTweets) March 27, 2021
White Boy Summer Rules and Regulations pic.twitter.com/bbuCuKusFG
— jack 🤪 (@neurotard) March 27, 2021
Needless to say, the White Boy Summer campaign was received well by the general public…
I’m sorry but somebody needs to tell Chet Hanks that ‘white boy summer’ sounds like the title of a Netflix documentary about mass shootings.
— Kelechi (@kelechnekoff) March 28, 2021
hmm unfortunately the merch looks aggressively racist pic.twitter.com/B49bYztQAv
— jos (@josiahhughes) March 30, 2021
This font should be called Hard R https://t.co/SkBfFpJbIJ
— Astead (@AsteadWesley) March 30, 2021
when your white boy summer isnt going the way you want pic.twitter.com/X6hFQkPK6h
— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) March 31, 2021
The good news for Chet is that he’s no stranger to controversy. This tool has previously fought off critics after he repeatedly used the N-word back in 2015. So I can only imagine that from Chet’s perspective – a little bit of White Boy Summer isn’t gonna hurt anybody.
All in all the most insane part of that batshit speech is that he managed to spelled “Jim Crow” incorrectly. Fire up the Billy Madison trivia clip!!
And if the N-word usage confused you, wait until you hear the Jamaican accent:
UPDATE: Chet went to Smoothie King on rodeo drive told y’all “RESPECT TO MI ISLAND MASSIVE 🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲🇯🇲” pic.twitter.com/UaxdbyhyTk
— Brittny Pierre (@sleep2dream) January 6, 2020
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about that idiocy. All I know for sure is that I don’t like it.
At times like this I have no other choice than to disregard how bizarre that video was and address the fact that he looks like a complete bitch with that pink drink and straw in his hand.
“Thank you for your order. Have a nice day and drink happy thoughts!! 😊” -woman who just served him a pomegranate smoothie
Oh shit I almost forgot one of the most critical pieces of the White Boy Summer announcement. Lost in the shuffle of racist looking merchandise, n-words, and Jamaican flags was the fact that Chet and his old lady recently went head-to-head in an 8-round boxing match.
You mean to tell me that this guy beats his gf? Probably the least shocking thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
We’ve got video of the alleged assault incident from Chet’s phone. And the video is of HER ATTACKING HIM.
Full transparency here…if I was the judge in this case and I only had this video to work off of…I’d put Chet Hanks behind bars. And I’d do that for a couple reasons.
A) I have no proof that the “stabbing” took place during the time of recording. In fact, it seems a little too convenient how he doesn’t show his face until after she slaps at him with her open hand. And then before you can even blink he has blood that has dripped down his entire face. I would imagine that’s basically what my face would look like if I gave myself a papercut on the forehead and then proceeded to let it bleed for 3 hours straight without wiping the blood off.
B) I’m not sure what the argument is or what other circumstances are in play here, but I KNOW that this guy deserved whatever injury he suffered to his face. I’ve got 1000 dollars in my pocket that says this tool was relentlessly antagonizing that woman until she finally caved in and swatted at him.
Enough fun and games. Let’s dive into the instagram, @chethanx.
My brain actually hurts from trying to decipher any meaning out of that. Classic case of a guy with zero perspective trying to offer you some perspective. “CHURCH!!”
What is the hit rate on guys who wear backwards hats with that big MLB logo front and center being tools? If it’s not 100% then it’s 99.9%.
It’s like that old war phrase. “Don’t shoot until you can see the whites of their eyes.” Except for me it’s “Don’t judge a tool by his cover until you can see that little white guy on his forehead.”
Holy shit is Chet Hanks the real life version of that ‘white trash guy hitting on the black woman in the pool’ meme? He sure as hell looks like it.
A+ caption. “I’m smashing these shits consistently.” “Let’s Go.”
A+ swing mechanics.
Holy shit that was RIVETING watching him try and stay upright! I watched this video 3 times in a row and even on the 3rd time I thought there was a chance those shaky legs were going to buckle for good and he’d hit the deck. TOOL DOWN! TOOL DOWN!!!
You guys ever see someone high on cocaine before? ⬆️
I’m hesitant to even comment on this thing. Just watching that video gave me the same feeling of uneasiness I’d get if I stole a bunch of shit out of 7/11 and took off running.
I’m just going to leave this random wikipedia definition below and close this blog out.
TOOL ON!