Back to my bread and butter for Week 42. Fire up the tool machine!
Holy shit I hate it so much. Haven’t done one of these instagram bodybuilder hardo tools in a while so it feels good to be back in the swing of things. TEXTBOOK TOOL.
This man is Martyn Ford hailing from the United Kingdom and if you are anything like me then you are instantly pissed off at the way he spells the name “Martin.”
What do you guys think? Could he possibly be overcompensating for attention? Looks like a pretty regular guy to me!
Here he is just hanging out doing a little Friday night movie time by himself! My basement looks just like tht and that’s exactly how I sit when I watch TV.
In real life I generally subscribe to the motto of ‘Live and Let Live.’ But here at the TOTW headquarters that motto goes right out the window. We have to put on our unfair judgement caps in order to create these blogs.
So I’d like to go on record and say that the neck tattoo transitioning into the side of the head tattoo looks god awful. I never thought I’d see the day when I thought there could be a dumber tattoo than the rapper face tat. But then this asshole came along and tattoo’d a permanent balaclava on his head.
How do you even come up with the thought to do this to yourself? “Hey hun, I think I’m going to tattoo around my head from temple-to-temple this weekend. What am I gonna get? Oh idk, maybe just some more tribal stuff.”
I’ll tell you what – if his goal was to look like the evil villain character from 300 he’s knocking it out of the park.
Shockingly there’s not a whole lot of wikipedia type stuff on this guy. So I’m forced to work with some sketchy looking articles to get his background. Nonetheless here’s what we got on him:
I have no idea how much of that is accurate information. All I know for sure is that I’m wildly impressed that this 6’8″ 300-pound genetic specimen found a way to persevere from an injury that derailed his cricket career. A real underdog story about overcoming the odds.
Sidenote – cricket? Seriously? Cricket?
Nice kneepads guys. Is it just me or does it suddenly smell like bitch of the week in here?
I see that he was born in Staffordshire, England. Idk where this tool resides today, but whatever the nearest police department is, they should just camp outside his home and wait for the domestic abuse call to come in.
That made me legitimately sad to see that he tricked someone into marrying him. Poor woman.
I feel like I say something similar about the spouse on a majority of the TOTW blogs. I really need to start tracking these guys marital statuses. I’ve been through 42 of them now. I’d be stunned if at least four of them haven’t since been divorced and two of them haven’t had 9-1-1 outgoing calls placed from their homes.
And speaking of similarities between all these tools…lets talk steroids!
first picture (321lb) was taken today and second one 7 weeks ago (263lb). After having 12 inches of small intestine removed and part of my bowel, I don’t think I’m doing to bad….. yes I was shattered and devastated when I fell ill, losing so much weight was crushing, and looking back I suffered some depression, but only way is up when you hit rock bottom, I’m still a few steps away from where I was, but a hell of a way in front where I started 7 wks back. No matter what life throws at you, take it one step, one breathe, one day at a time. Small little goals will eventually add up to huge milestones. Success doesn’t happen overnight, but a drive to succeed day, after day, after day. Until eventually you start to get somewhere. Focus on your dreams and never stop believing #martynford #ignite
Welp, I can read between the lines on this one pretty easily. I don’t need a gastroenterologist to explain to me what happened here. This guy had some sort of cancerous growth buildup in his intestines born from all of the illegal shit he ingests. And now he’s paying the price. Hmm…sounds familiar.
I hate to say it, but given Martyn’s size and lifestyle I would be shocked if this man can stay out of the hospital within the next few years. I’d be investing in life alert today if I were him.
Last important thing to make note of. Check out some of these comments on this random message board I found. I might have to hire a few of these guys to be my writers.
Could not agree more with the last guy. “Who hurt you, dude?” That sums up just about every tool I’ve ever written about.
That’s enough dilly dallying around the toolshed. Let’s break in there and take a look at the good stuff. To the gram!
- Shirtless AVI ☑️
- Uses “official” or “real” in his handle ☑️
- Way too many posts ☑️
- Way too many followers ☑️
- “Entrepreneur” / “Influencer” called out in the bio ☑️
- Life Coach ☑️
Car shopping? Nice! What kinda car are you looking to buy? I didn’t notice the gigantic letters in your staged photo.
Not only is he into cars…he’s a watch guy too. That things screams “look at me I’m rich.”
Such a relatable dad post! And such a relatable looking dad!
Imagine showing up to a meeting and THAT is what’s waiting for you on the other side of the table.
“Hey man you must be in the wrong spot. The Cirque du Soleil tryouts are down the hall.”
“Better take my shirt off for this last set of flyes! Oh shit were you filming??”
That’s interesting how the Maserati and million dollar watch guy doesn’t have a backyard to do his workouts. Absolutely no choice but to use this public street as his gym due to Covid. Not seeking attention in the slightest.
Why are tools obsessed with posting old pictures of themselves looking like tools and acting like they were “SO DIFFERENT 😂😂” back then. Who’s going to break it to him that he hasn’t matured one day in the last 12 years? I’d actually argue that the first picture shows a 10x more normal guy than the second picture.
Oh damn, looks like he found his backyard after all. Wonder why he had to use the street that one day…
All I know is that I’m looking forward to the day that band snaps in half.
Somehow more hateable than the Maserati photo op
It wouldn’t be an official TOTW without an incredible feat of strength. What is that, 800 pounds?
Damn. RIP guy on the left. Sounds like by all accounts he was a stand-up guy. I can’t imagine what he would have died from.
Oh shit is that Dave from Accounting? There’s nothing funnier than a grown man asking another grown man to photoshop a picture of himself into some mythological gargoyle-looking thing because he thinks it looks cool.
“Hey man my audience is begging for a picture of me where I look like Satan dripping with blood and fire coming out of my mouth. Nothing special. Can you whip me up a rough draft?”
Anddddd confirmed – Dave from Accounting.
That’s all for this one, folks. See you next week!