Welcome back brothas. I am pleased to announce our first ever PGA Tool of the Week, Patrick Reed!
When I first discovered Patrick Reed a few years ago, I took one look at this guy and I immediately knew what he was all about. I can practically smell the cheap vodka and hot dogs from here. That pudgy frame, bracelet, and shark-tooth necklace are tell-tale signs that Reed has been a country club tool since birth. I’d bet any amount of money in the world that he won his first youth competitive golf tournament by one stroke and he shaved 4 strokes off his scorecard while doing it.
But don’t let my judgment sway your opinion. It’s pretty well established in the PGA community that Reed is a notorious cheater. Here he is making some headlines just a few weeks ago:
⬇️ Patrick Reed on 10 ⬇️pic.twitter.com/AqxPgJdOMU
— Golf Channel (@GolfChannel) January 30, 2021
How about this dickhead picking his ball up in order to determine whether it was plugged into the ground or not? His first thought in trying to figure out if he was allowed to improve the ball’s lie was to improve the ball’s lie. Um what?
Watching that video gave me shades of that glorious Phil Mickelson moment where he yanked his putt and then said “fuck it” and hit it again while the ball was still rolling.
Phil Mickelson treating the #USOpen like a putt putt course pic.twitter.com/Sra94bESwr
— Someone's An Idiot (@SomeonesAnIdiot) June 16, 2018
Jesus, Phil. I wouldn’t do that during a round of golf with my buddies where we all had beers stuffed into our bags. I don’t care that it’s a casual round of drunken golf – you don’t slap a moving golf ball. As shooter McGavin once said…that’s a “disgrace to the game!”
But let’s give Reed the benefit of the doubt for a minute. Maybe he will do the right thing and apologize and tell us that he will learn from his mistake, use this as a teaching moment, etc.
Uh oh. Hold on a second, Jim! What do we got here, Jim?!
So... this just happened pic.twitter.com/W3OEMenUpv
— Jacob Hallex (@jacob_hallex) January 31, 2021
Classic “copy and paste” mistake, Patrick. The old spare undercover twitter account aka the BURNER.
I’ll never forget firing up my burner account on Twitter. Not because it was a significant moment of my life or anything, but just that it took me like 3 hours to set it up correctly and make sure people would think it was a real person.
All I wanted to do was troll Scott Van Pelt and Darren Rovell – but here I was having to create gmails and researching my fake hometown and picking out a profile picture with the correct level of absurdity. I wanted that sweet spot where people read my reply tweets and said “look at this asshole” but also trying to avoid any reactions of “psh yeah right, that’s clearly a bot.”
(Quick shoutout to Stan Verrett for the most underrated tweet of all time #BotsAndBurners)
Nothing gets those bots and burners working more quickly than bringing up anything even tangentially connected to race. They stay ready so they don’t have to get ready!
— stan verrett (@stanverrett) July 3, 2020
Like I said before…this was not Patrick Reed’s first rodeo with cheating. Allow me to introduce a few other slight misunderstandings:
— GOLF.com (@GOLF_com) December 6, 2019
That double-cheating is LOL-worthy. Imagine the adrenaline rush you’d get from trying to swipe that sand ONCE, let alone twice. All the while knowing there could be 50 NBC cameras on you at any given moment.
I’m trying to think of how I can relate anything in my mediocre life to the thrill Reed must have had in that moment. I guess that would be similar to when I would hit the drive-thru beer distributor while being underage. If I managed to get away with a 30-pack of Natty Light without being carded…I sure as shit wasn’t going to loop around the parking lot and head back in there for round 2!
The good news for Reed is that practice makes perfect. I’m guessing that within the next couple years he’ll be able to improve his lie without the viewers even catching on.
Does this action of pressing the grass down behind the ball constitute improving the lie?
— TheGolfDivoTee™ (@TheGolfDivoTee) September 19, 2020
Undeniably YES, Patrick Reed. pic.twitter.com/CWwTB37i0Z
And let’s not forget this gem from the glory days…
Imagine being such a jackass that you have to defend your dismissal from the team by claiming you had alcohol issues. Because that’s a better response than “I am addicted to shaving strokes off my golf score.”
And when he’s not cheating you know that he’s raging!
Patrick Reed snaps his club over his leg on No. 18... 😳 pic.twitter.com/BnOWolZjTC
— FOX Sports: Golf (@GolfonFOX) June 15, 2019
Ahhh yes….snapping clubs, berating cameramen, tossing gay slurs (at himself), and swinging putters like baseball bats…
In closing, I must say that I am downright impressed a professional golfer can be that big of a dickhead. I suppose all of those long days at work on a driving range will do that to you.
TOOL ON!