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Tool of the Week: Week 32

I’m taking a page out of last week’s book. Another egomaniac giving me some A+ tool material while I sat back and nursed a few beers this weekend.

Final warning: If it comes across my desk and it qualifies as tool behavior then I’m going to take it and run with it. Now play the tape!

Coach K running circles around that reporter. They must have some deep-rooted hostile history between each other for him to jump down the reporter’s throat like that, right?

Oh no wait, I guess it’s just some 18 year old kid.

My favorite part of this interaction is how Coach K throws out an example which actually contradicts his own point. He poses a hypothetical where a kid fails his Econ exam and then is faced with the question of “what’s your next step?”

Uhh…yeah man that’s exactly how it works. I never walked out of a test that I bombed and thought “OK. No need to think about that one. I’ll just pretend it didn’t happen and proceed as though I don’t need to give more effort to save my grade.”

Then he has the audacity to say “You see what I mean?” as if it was some sort of lightbulb moment for everyone in the room. It’s a shame that no one immediately raised their hand and said “I actually don’t see what you mean by the part where you don’t plan your next step after losing to Louisville and dropping to 5-5. Could you please elaborate on that?”

I feel like the vibe of that conversation would go something like this:

I think it’s fair to say that Coach K has proven himself as a Grade-A dickhead tool by every standard at this point. I mentioned that I took a page out of last week’s book, but I guess I’m also taking a page out of TOTW 30‘s book as well. It’s basically Urban Meyer week all over again!

I feel like the only difference between Urban Meyer and Coach K is that Meyer has actually proved his worth within the last 20 years. Is it just me or does Duke fail to live up to mediocrity every single year? 

Ok damn, I gotta admit he’s pretty good. That kinda sucks to see. But don’t let that amazing career record distract you from that fact that during my entire time on this earth Coach K has only racked up 3 championships. ANDDD only one Final Four appearance since 2010. So let’s just pump the brakes on this guy being some sort of Tom Brady / Lebron James. More often than not – he’s not even sniffing the championship game.

And just like Urban…we all know what happens when the tough get’s going!

I didn’t see that in real time back in 2005, but if I did I would have been laughing in real time. I’m being dead serious about this. I would not have been concerned. I would have been laughing. I could watch that replay all day LA-HONG!!

Coach K GIF from Coachk GIFs
Coach K GIF from Coachk GIFs
Coach K GIF from Coachk GIFs

LOOK AT THAT! That’s one hell of a “collapse” there, Coach! I was especially nervous during the part where you looked down at the ground and picked out your landing spot where you made sure not to land on any of your players’ feet.

Has anybody in the history of passing out ever passed out that gently? I get into bed harder than that. This is your classic case of “Big Ben Syndrome.” Things aren’t going your way. It’s just not your night. So you might as well hit the canvas and watch the second half from the locker room.

ben knee
ben knee
ben cart
ben cart 2
ben elbow
ben down

(Sidenote: I just went onto Big Ben’s wikipedia page and did a CNTRL+F for “injur” and guess how many hits I got? The word injury is on there in some form or another 32 times.)

But anyway – we were talking about Coach K bailouts. Here’s a couple examples:

Funny how ESPN felt the need to put together that graphic making it appear as though things were going well in both of those “step aways.” There should be a 4th row that says “Coming off a huge loss” followed by “YES” and “YES.”

“Hey I just want to let you guys know that despite all of these obstacles I’m facing, I won’t be making any excuses.”

“Alexa, please give me WebMD results for symptoms of “not myself” and “not good.”

And don’t forget this year’s beauty!

And despite all of that…I think what really makes Coach K such a tool is simply his ability to be a prick in every circumstance ever. It’s like he was invented to serve as the antonym of that old phrase “I could have a beer with that guy.” 

Because I’d rather die than sit down at a table with this guy and chat.

“Oh sorry didn’t see ya there!”

Screen Shot 2021-01-25 at 12.56.01 AM

All right time for the grand finale. This is peak pompous dickhead. And bonus – it’s a 2-for-1 special of dickheads because it features Grayson Allen.

So despite being a “teacher his whole life” and “taking responsibility for it,” Coach K ended Allen’s “indefinite suspension” (for his 3rd tripping incident of the year) after one single game!

So despite being a “teacher his whole life” and “taking responsibility for it,” Coach K ended Allen’s “indefinite suspension” (for his 3rd tripping incident of the year) after one single game!

And thank god he did. Coach K’s leadership and disciplinary actions ended up molding Grayson into one of the finest men of the NBA. 

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