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Tool of the Week: Week 31

Lately I’ve been doing less and less tool hunting and simply letting the tools come to me. I’m basically like Nick Saban drawing up a gameplan on a bye week. Despite what you think is going on behind the curtains – I don’t need to do a whole lot of anything. I just sit back and wait for the bad guys to screw up. And when they do, I pounce on it.

What a stupid, stupid take. The value of sports cards and pokemon cards “hasn’t even started.” So this guy and his nerd friends like Darren Rovell all got in a room and decided that Kevin Durant rookie cards are going to be worth 1000X their weight in gold. 

Bad news for him…I just looked on ebay and there are more for sale than I can possibly capture in any amount of screenshots: 

But this shouldn’t surprise me. I should know to expect idiotic takes out of this guy. He pops up on my social media probably once a month with some non-sensical speech where he drops f-bombs while speaking really fast and says a bunch of misleading stuff like:

  • “you can live off 7 dollars a week” 
  • “you should work 18 hours a day”
  • “I’ve never taken a day off in my life”
  • “if you grind hard enough you’re going to make it”

via GIPHY

Our tool this week goes by the name of Gary Vaynerchuk aka “GaryVee” (holy shit I am overcome with rage just looking at that nickname).

For the sake of full transparency – I will admit that I actually know next to nothing about this guy. I just saw that tweet and recognized him as a guy who screams ‘snake oil salesman.’ Not just screams – shouts it from the rooftops. I am going to learn about him on the fly as I write this blog, so hopefully I can come up with some dirt on the guy.

I feel like that above picture is a pretty good start. Quick breakdown:

  • Fake tough guy pose (this guy probably got the shit kicked out of him in drama class)
  • Putting the word “serial” in front of entrepreneur. Taking narcissism to a whole new level just by adding one word.
  • Having little kid toys and a New York Jets poster on your wall as a full-blown adult
  • How many times do I have to say it on here? If you are full of shit and have a following of numbnuts then write a half-ass book bragging about yourself with all of your imaginary accomplishments and watch the money roll in. Looks like this asshole went above and beyond by doing it “5X.”

LOL at Chris Harrison (the guy who does nothing but stand off to the side on that Bachelor show) referring to his own book as a “Great summer read!”

Hey just FYI if you are reading this blog – it’s a TREMENDOUS winter read if I do say so myself!!!

Curl-Up-2016

All right let’s dig into GaryVee a little more. Let’s take a look at what makes this guy such a serial entrepreneur. 

God almighty you think this guy is into himself!?

“From 20 to 32 for 12 years of my life I worked 7 days a week in a liquor store. Every fucking day and gave up everything.”

Zero. Zero. There’s actually a zero percent chance that is true.

“I worked 15 fucking 16 hours a day every single day.”

Not sure how to tell you this GaryVee, but if you think knocking down $4 bucks an hour in a liquor store for every waking moment of your life for 12 years straight is a smart use of your time – you may not be an entrepreneur after all. Unless you are sleeping 3 hours a night – which you’d be dead – you just admitted you weren’t doing anything useful with your time for 12 years.

“I did not have 1 Saturday off in my 20s. None.”

See above. I’m sticking with my zero percent assessment. Gonna guess you had the sniffles once or twice in your life and missed a day of work.

“I’m rogue. I gave up school in 4th grade.”

Nothing quite says “rogue” like snagging a bachelor’s degree from a private institution in the northeast. 

Also I’m DYING to know how he possibly could have been working in that NYC liquor store 7 days a week for 16 hours a day while also knocking down classes in Boston. Forget the 3 hours of sleep a night – this guy must have access to that Hermoine Granger time travel thing.

“I was ripping peoples fucking flowers out of their yard when I was 4 and trying to sell it back to them. That’s DNA.”

On that note I’m going to stop analyzing this video. I’m officially in disbelief that people are taking this guy seriously. 

Am I the only only one that finds it hilarious he has a backwards hat on while preaching to 18 year olds? Took a page straight out of George Constanza’s book.

Not sure how I just remembered this, but I recall seeing something years ago from this guy explaining why he likes to wake up at 5am on Saturday and try to make $20 at a garage sale. I don’t remember exactly what he said, just that it was complete bullshit. So I had to see if I could dig it up for the actual quote. Thankfully he has something about garage sales directly on his website:

(sidenote: this guy becomes more hateable with every picture I see)

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He thinks you can make $1000 on a Saturday going garage sale hunting for 4 hours? Buddy, at least pick a number that allows me to believe you are being serious. It’s so painfully obvious that you don’t think you can make $1000 profit at a garage sale because everyone knows there isn’t $1000 worth of shit at a garage sale if you appraised everything they had. A garage sale is basically a method to avoid renting a dumpster for a weekend. It’s for getting rid of all the shit you don’t want and praying some hoarder shows up to buy it. 

Also – the fact that he thinks he’s ahead of the curve for flipping shit on ebay is insulting to me. I did Goodwill-to-eBay flipping from 2012-2015. And I did it so I could afford to get drunk off $2 long islands during the weekend. Not for substantial side income. Even on my most profitable day (shoutout to whoever stole all that Nike Team USA clothing with tags and ditched it at Goodwill) I probably made like $200. Never came close to any of the numbers this dude is talking about. 

As a form of punishment for this idiotic take – I suggest this tool has to spend every moment of his free time searching through garage sales until he churns $1000 profit. Not revenue….profit. I’m talking after the gas mileage, after the ebay fees, after the shipping costs, after income taxes. I’ve been down this road before pal and I promise you that you have signed up for much more than 4 hours of your Saturday.

Ok I figured out who he is preying on. Ironically it’s the 20 year olds that he’s pretending to help. That video was 60 seconds of absolutely nothing. GaryVee is this guy:

Saying “it’s not hard” as a response to a kid moving out of their parents home to pursue their entrepreneurial dreams is probably the most inaccurate statement you could possibly make. He basically just said “taking on a new monthly bill for $1200 is easy when you have little to no income.”

I am officially tagging him with the ‘certified moron’ label. “Eat a shit diet for cheap to give yourself the fuel to keep working. McDonalds, gas station burritos, you name it! Anything you can get your hands on for cheap. It’s great for your energy levels and health in general.”

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He clearly set an alarm to wake up and tweet that out at 3:30AM. Again I’m dying to know how this guy seemingly has 50 hours in a day to work with. If all you do is work and sleep then how on earth do you have a wife and kids and also how do you not jump off a bridge every day? Could it perhaps be that you’re….lying about your lifestyle?

via GIPHY

In all seriousness, how funny would it be to burst into this guys front door without warning and catch him napping on the couch with his hand inside a bag of chips and football on in the background. I would be sprinting towards him screaming “WAKE UP THERE’S MONEY TO BE MADE” so loudly that he would think I was committing a robbery.

At the end of the day – this guy is just another tool. Just another snake oil salesman that reeled in enough fish that he can now reap the rewards and forever stick to his shtick!

Let’s wrap up with a quick 3-hitter of this tool being a tool on his instagram.

Does that picture not look like the picture of a multi level marketing pyramid scheme head salesman? 

A little throwback to 1998. First day at dad’s prison liquor store at the age of………..22? Huh. That’s weird considering you were working “every fucking day” from 20 to 32 for 12 years. 

And speaking of weird….

Now I’m REALLY confused.

Per his own caption on the first picture – that would put him at age 31. I wonder how he held down the fort at the old NYC liquor store when he was getting shithoused at 2am in Italy?

And then again…per his own caption in the second picture – that would put him at age 25. How could he be in Vegas losing 80% of his net worth when he was stocking tequila bottles in NYC at the same time “on a fucking Saturday morning.”

via GIPHY

Thanks for playing GARYVEE! Tool on!

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