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Tool of the Week: Week 30

Today, we’re dipping back into college football coaches, but this isn’t your typical strength coach. I want to break down the Tool that is Urban Meyer. 

I’ve been seeing a lot of information like that above from Schefty lately. I just saw another one today:

I feel like every single offseason this ego-maniac throws his name into the mix and sends out a bunch of rumors about himself possibly wanting to get back into coaching. I’m not sure what his angle is – whether he just wants the attention or is seriously mulling a return – but I gotta admit it’s working for this dickhead. I guess after enough offseasons of “I wonder if Urban Meyer would be their coach…” chatter, he has officially fooled people into thinking he’d be a good NFL head coach. And it’s really starting to feel like he’s going to be the head coach of some shitty team like the Jags or Chargers.

And all of this got me thinking – I would LOVE to see this tool on an NFL sideline. You mean to tell me the same guy that passes out in anger when his kicker misses an XP is ready to lose 14 games this year? Are we talking about the same Urban Meyer that I remember at Ohio State? This guy ⬇️ ???

Why does Urban Meyer constantly make that same face that my dog makes when it just did some shit it knows it will get in trouble for? I’ll answer that myself – because Urban Meyer is constantly in the position of just doing some shit that will get him in trouble. Let’s take a look back at the reputation of this “leader of men.”

Exhibit A – Allowed Aaron Hernandez to Murder People and Catch TDs

People forget that while Urban Meyer and his staff were working overtime to keep a guy named Aaron Hernandez eligible to play tight end, Aaron was busy murdering people off the field. Not figuratively, but literally his name was involved in a 2007 shooting investigation in Gainesville, FL.

The 2007 Gainesville shooting happened on Sept. 30, when Hernandez was a 17-year-old freshman with the Gators. The two men and a friend of theirs had left a nightclub and were in their car stopped at a light blocks away when their vehicle was fired upon, according to the statements two of the men gave to police. Corey Smith, a 28-year-old at the time who was sitting in the front passenger seat, was shot in back of the head. Justin Glass, the 19-year-old driver, was shot in the arm. Randall Cason, sitting in the back seat behind Smith, was unharmed.

While several witnesses told police the shooter was a black male, Cason said there were two suspects.

Cason, then 20, told police that shooter was a “Hawaiian” or “Hispanic” male who had a large, muscular build, stood about 6-foot-3 or 6-4, weighed about 230 or 240 pounds and had a lot of tattoos. Cason said there was also a black male with the shooter, and Cason identified the black male as Reggie Nelson, a former Florida Gator who was a rookie with the Jacksonville Jaguars. Nelson, in an interview with the Gainesville police, said he had been at the nightclub earlier but denied he was even on the same street as the shooting.

“As they were waiting for the light to change, the Hawaiian football player and Reggie Nelson walked up to their car on the right side,” according to the police report, which cited what Cason told detectives. “Then without saying a work [sic], the Hawaiian pointed a small handgun in the front right window and fired five quick shots. Cason saw Smith slump over with blood coming out of the back of the head, at which time the Hawaiian and Nelson took off running towards McDonald’s.”

The police report says that Nelson and Hernandez had been in The Venue nightclub along with two other Gators players, Mike and Maurkice Pouncey, twin brothers who now both play in the NFL. After the shooting, investigators interviewed Cason at Shands Hospital. Cason was described as distraught and emotional, and an officer indicated Cason said several times “it should have been him that had been shot and not Cory [sic].” Cason told investigators that a week earlier his brother had gotten into an altercation with several Florida football players.

Nelson told investigators that he was at The Venue with several friends that night. He said he later saw Aaron Hernandez and the Pouncey twins, and Hernandez told him that one of the twins had his necklace snatched by Cason. After the club closed, Nelson said, one of the twins confirmed the story to him. Nelson said he went to speak to Cason, advised that he didn’t want any trouble, and the two parted on good terms. He said he was not on West University Avenue, the street where the shooting took place, when Smith and Glass were shot.

I’m not a criminal justice major, but just FYI you’re onto the correct guy. From what I recall, that story is strikingly similar to the time Hernandez shot some guy in the face in Boston. Hernandez was eventually “cleared” for this one, but wouldn’t you know it – they never found the guy that did it!

Conveniently, our TOTW Urban Meyer was asked about the incident shortly after Hernandez’ suicide in prison (4 years after the shooting took place). Urban’s response was to say that he was informed of the incident but didn’t think about it until he heard of Hernandez’s suicide. Which makes sense.

What more do you really expect of him? Do you want him to keep track of every time one of his players is involved in a murder investigation?

Apparently the one thing Urban did manage to sniff out was that Hernandez was involved “with the marijuana stuff.”

So he never did catch him – but he’s positive that Hernandez is a sociopathic liar. And despite never catching him, he still wasn’t afraid to make him ride the pine just for shits and giggles.

The 2008 Gators should go down and history as the word’s biggest wildcard of a team. Never forget that star-studded lineup:

  • Urban Meyer (tool, cheat, con-artist)
  • Scam Newton (stealing laptops and throwing them out windows)
  • Tim Tebow (man of God)
  • Percy Harvin (got high before every game)
  • Riley Cooper (racist)
  • Aaron Hernandez (murderer)
crew

And Meyer should go down as the coach to give the least amount of shits possible at any school ever:

“I’ve never heard of Circle of Trust before in my life.” – Urban Meyer aka the guy who probably pinned the phrase ‘Circle of Trust’ to the wall in his office. 

Exhibit B – Allowed Zach Smith to Beat up Wife and Coach WRs

Urban Meyer

I assume everyone is aware of the Zach Smith story at this point. Basically the guy abused his wife for 10 years (some of that at Florida and some at Ohio State). It’s always kind of funny how that stuff works, as far as when and why people get upset over it. Apparently it was OK for 10 years or at least a well-kept secret before Brett McMurphy decided he’d let the world know about it. Naturally, everyone immediately wanted to know what Urban knew.

Urban went the usual route of “I have no clue what you are talking about” before quickly calling an audible and issuing a conflicting statement shortly thereafter:

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Weird that he got suspended for 3 games despite having no clue to what’s happening behind the scenes. And after giving myself a refresher course on this story – I came across a few other weird things:

“We got your wife to drop those charges, now get me some wins!”

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UM to Recruit: “All good brotha just had to shitcan the guy that was beating his wife. They don’t get along sometimes. All good!”

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My personal favorite. Why is it that I don’t need any evidence to KNOW that claim from his wife is true?

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention this all-timer:

Exhibit C – Fakes Death to Save Face

When the going gets tough, the tough get going Coach K and Urban Meyer fake like they are going to die mid-game.

It’s no secret that this tool took a page out of Coach K’s book and he has the ‘could collapse at any moment’ card ready for deployment at a moment’s notice. This was first evidenced after Alabama gave him an assbeating in the 2009 SEC Title Game:

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Predictable much? Your classic case of “chest pains” that resulted in no heart damage. Ha. Yeah whatever you say, buddy.

Ok check that. This dude is actually having full blown heart attacks or anxiety attacks. “Urban, Urban, talk to me” is basically as real as it gets.

So fine. Maybe he had heart attacks in 2009. But what does that have to do with his 2018 collapse?

Ah the ole’ “I’m in so much pain I have to take a knee” routine. I like how the reporter was totally dogging him about it with that “the headaches seem to come and go quickly” comment. The dude has a cyst headache, bro. Back off.

Gotta love how this thing only appears to act up when Ohio State is in the middle of a dogfight versus some bottom-tier Big Ten Opponent.

“I BELIEVE I will not coach again.”

I’d say it’s more likely this dude has a mental issue than a physical issue. And again – I don’t understand how someone who nearly dies every time he coaches a tight game is going to handle losing 10 games in the AFC South.

So wrapping things up…what else do you need me to present to prove that Urban is a tool?

How about the fact that his name is Urban FRANK MEYER the Third!?

weiner

How about the fact that there’s a rumor (seems totally justified) that his infidelities led to his Florida retirement?

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How about the fact that he asked to be the highest paid coach in the NFL before ever being a head coach in the NFL?

How about the fact that he has a Cameo? (I don’t give a shit that he donates 2% of it to charity after he lines his own pockets and bribes some recruits)

Let’s wrap up with my top 5 ‘I don’t trust that guy’ pictures of Urban Meyer:

5. What’s with the shoes and why does it weirdly look like he’s standing on his toes? Maybe it’s just his posture, but something isn’t right. This dude is up to something illegal.

4. This is a repeat, but I’m telling you that face is a dead ringer for my puppy’s “I just shit on the laundry room floor” face. 

3. This is seemingly the only picture in existence where he has glasses on. Sketchy much?

2. He looks so unnatural with that golf club in his hands. This is probably taken from his first and last time playing golf ever. But you can bet your ass he posted an 82 on his scorecard.

1. Draw an imaginary line from the top of his head down the back of his head and then down his back. That right there is the worlds straightest line. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it’s possible that we are dealing with some sort of extraterrestrial or lizard person here. 

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