You are currently viewing Tool of the Week: Week 26

Tool of the Week: Week 26

Tool of the Week 26. The half-year mark! Wow, what a journey. 

via GIPHY

Now that I am 25 tools deep, I have been struggling to come up with good candidates. Don’t get me wrong… Instagram is an endless ocean of potential tools. I also have about 100 college football strength coaches to pick from. Plus I could probably scroll through the roster on any MLB team and pick out 5 tools easy money no questions asked.

But I want the cream of the crop. I’m looking to feature the true TOOLS. 

AND THAT is why I went out and grabbed Doug Gottlieb for our half-year special edition of TOTW.

doug

If you aren’t into self-absorbed, self-proclaimed experts who also happen to be world-class former athletes, you may not know who Gottlieb is. 

The short story is that Doug Gottlieb is some dickhead on the radio who used to play basketball for Notre Dame and Oklahoma State (we’ll get to why he played for both schools later). I’m not a loyal listener of his, and truth be told I’m not even sure where he can be listened to regularly, but I believe the Doug Gottlieb Show is a Fox Sports thing that airs daily or weekly. All I really know about him is about once a month he says some ridiculous, Skip Bayless-type stuff that goes viral and he exposes himself for what an idiot he is.

If there was a power rankings list of ‘guys who consistently get bodied on twitter,’ Doug would be #1, #2, and #3 on that list.

Who on earth would hear the Andrew Luck retirement news and rush to share their opinion that Andrew Luck is lazy? I feel like Skip Bayless probably had that same thought and then stopped himself mid-tweet. “Nah, that’s too far….even for me.”

If you’re getting slammed by Troy Aikman on Twitter then you must have shared a wildly incorrect opinion. I mean c’mon. 50 year old Troy Aikman? Troy Aikman doesn’t even know how to use Twitter. Check out this 2013 “DM.”

aikman

Here’s another Gottlieb gem…

What a brilliant take to put out there at 1:29am. Maybe a few post-holiday celebration pops in the bloodstream? I’m not sure if this was in reference to a specific player, but I can’t even think of an example where a kid has pulled this move. Is it really that critical of an issue?

Let’s check in on the following morning and see how well this hot take landed….

“Holla at me when you cut that check back to ND” is so goddam savage. Such a perfect summation of the circumstances. Let’s simplify the situation:

*Dickhead shares opinions on policies that affect other people’s wallets (which do not affect his wallet)*

*Somebody tells Dickhead to put his money where his mouth is to prove he’s genuine about his opinion*

via GIPHY

This reminds me of those annual Warren Buffet quotes where he makes up false shit like “my secretary pays more in taxes than me.” Give me an effing break you geezer. If you are so terribly worried that the government isn’t stealing enough of you and your rich friends’ money then go ahead and write out a check to the IRS.

I’m not even being facetious – if you think the federal government will put your money to better use than yourself or a charitable organization of your choice then open up your checkbook and write out a check out to “Internal Revenue Service.” 

And put this in the memo line of the check: Here you go Mr. Trump Biden. I hope you and your cabinet of kickback and bribery hires enjoy your under-the-table Christmas bonuses from this check!

via GIPHY

The “worst moment of their life” thing that Gottlieb is referencing is the fact that he got expelled from Notre Dame his freshman year after getting caught stealing credit cards from fellow students.

And I know what you’re thinking…doesn’t the headline of this story feel like one of those deals where the actual details of the truth are being taken out of context?

Well – fortunately for us, this is absolutely not the case for Doug’s credit card theft incident. Check out this firsthand writeup from him where he explains what happened…

One night I was writing a paper on a computer that belonged to a guy in my dorm. No one was around. I was looking for a calculator, and when I opened the drawer I saw a credit card. I didn’t have one of my own. I looked at it, thought about it, closed the drawer. The next night I returned to use the computer again. This time I went for it. I didn’t have a plan. I just thought I’d use it and put it back. Who was going to know?

I went to the mall and bought a pair of size 12 Nike “Pippen’s.” They were dope. Here I was, with hundreds of free sneakers in my closet, and it wasn’t enough. The next night, I worked on the computer again and put the card back. Simple – or so I thought.

About a week went by, and I was working on another computer. This time I spotted a wallet. I took the first card I found, bought some Tommy Hilfiger shirts and returned the card the next day.

One week later, same deal, different dorm room. It was easy. At that time it seemed that everyone had rope chains and woven gold bracelets, so I bought one. I thought it looked cool with the Hilfiger shirts. All in all, I spent about $900 for shoes, shirts and a bracelet. I put the credit card back, but later I stole a gas card that I did not return.

I wasn’t done. During the last week of school, I returned my textbooks to the campus bookstore and was paid cash for them. Later that week, I was sitting in a study lounge and spotted some books that didn’t belong to me. I took them to the store and got money for them as well. This happened about five times over the course of a week. I was living a total lie. I had new gear, a flashy bracelet, new kicks, and now I had a couple hundred bucks in my pocket. The school year ended, and I was ready to head home. I thought no one would ever know.

As I look back, I am appalled at my behavior. Why did I do it? I can blame depression or whatever else was bothering me about Notre Dame, but here’s the real reason: I thought I could get away with it. I felt invincible. I had cheated on tests and been caught a few times, but I was always let off the hook. Besides, I rationalized that I was stealing from kids who had rich parents. I never stole from my roommate, partly because I knew his family didn’t have a lot of money. I also never stole from my teammates. All of that just rationalized my selfish behavior. None of it makes what I did OK. I was a thief. Period.

How insane is it that this tool literally got kicked out of school his freshman year for stealing shit, but now wants to invent a rule where any freshman who transfers has to pick up the cost of the scholarship? What on earth? How could he possibly justify this take?

Oh well there you have it. He paid like 7 dollars back after getting kicked out of school for theft and academic fraud. But if some kid gets homesick, he should pick up a $100,000 scholarship tab. Makes sense. “Very simple.”

Jesus that’s a rough look. That receding hairline, triangular head, and smashed-by-a-shovel looking face is a deadly combo.  

Screen Shot 2020-12-08 at 10.49.52 PM

What other god-awful takes do you have for us, Doug?

Good stuff. 

More importantly – there’s a reply on this tweet from a guy named Rico Bosco where he shares the following video of a call-in he made on the Gottlieb show.

That 45 second video by itself makes Rico Bosco the funniest guy at Barstool Sports. Every time I come across that video I laugh my ass off. It’s so perfectly executed. His setup is so smooth that by the time he goes to pull the pin on the credit card grenade, Gottlieb isn’t in position to stop it from going off. 

*Furiously reaches for the hang up button*

“He’s so cool.”

……..

…..

….

“Uh, do I think the Clippers could steal the series….Yeah!”

“Troy…let’s have a beer soon.” Pure gold.

Also how does this reply on the Kittle tweet not have 1000 likes on it?

That tweet might be even funnier than the Rico call-in video. You just can’t beat a good pile-on dished out to this tool for a mistake he made 20+ years ago. I love it so much.

Let’s keep the stupid takes coming. Maria Taylor, she’s a pretty hateable character, right? Let’s go after her.

Here’s a nice idiotic take about a kid deciding to play basketball overseas.

Let’s close out with a nice random assortment of other idiotic Gottlieb takes…

While we’re on the subject of idiots trying to dismiss the NBA bubble…let’s check in on Wolken.

wolken1
wolken3

ANDDD for the grand finale…we have THE dumbest top 10 basketball players list of all time:

PS – Woah woah woah. We can’t wrap up just yet. Check out this throwaway line I stumbled upon in some article Gottlieb was quoted in while talking about how the NCAA doesn’t exploit students. 

“I had a laptop every year I was in school.”

via GIPHY

I thought all of that credit card theft stuff was simply the result of a spur-of-the-moment decision you made when you were borrowing all of your classmates laptops?

“One night I was writing a paper on a computer that belonged to a guy in my dorm.”

“The next night I returned to use the computer again.”

“About a week went by, and I was working on another computer.”

“One week later, same deal, different dorm room. It was easy.”

 Huh…almost seems like…he’s still…lying about that story today….?

🤔🤔🤔

Tags:

This Post Has One Comment

  1. bs2best актуальная ссылка March 30, 2025 Reply

    Даркнет — это анонимная область онлайн-пространства, куда можно попасть с использованием защищенные браузеры, например, через I2P.
    В этой среде можно найти как официальные, но и нелегальные сайты, среди которых форумы и различные платформы.
    Одной из таких платформ была BlackSprut, которая предлагала торговле разных категорий, включая запрещенные вещества.
    bs2best at
    Такие сайты часто используют криптовалюту для обеспечения анонимности операций.
    При этом, правоохранительные органы периодически ликвидируют популярные нелегальные рынки, однако взамен появляются альтернативные торговые точки.

Leave a Reply