Instagram algorithm you sick son of a bitch you’ve done it again. Let’s head straight to the picture that set off my ToolVision™ radar!
A LOT going on here.
- Gigantic guns
- Bleached hair
- Obnoxious chain
- Probably fake diamond stud earrings
- Equivalent female-version counterpart
- A lifetime’ supply of spray tan captured in one picture
A very special happy birthday to my beautiful wife @melissaturner___ . It’s been quite a while. This pic is a #tbt from when we first started dating in 2010 and we were at Karma in Seaside Heights while they were filming Jersey Shore. We hit the tanning beds hardddddd. Happy birthday, lady. Love you. #throwback #throwbackthursday #wife #wce #family #familyfirst #instagood #tan #tanningbed #jerseyshore #jersey #clubbing #muscle
Oh damn we got more good stuff out of the caption.
- Seaside Heights, NJ
- Admitting to being some sort of Jersey Shore fan chasers
- Hashtagging tanningbed, clubbing, and muscle
No two ways about it – this is a classic. Induct this photo into the Tool Hall of Fame. We have no choice but to look into this gentleman.
BUT – before we do. I want to share with you something that recently came across my desk. And that something was a text from the Travman that said “check out this definition of ‘histrionic personality disorder.’ It reads like the definition of a tool.”
Hold on a second. Nobody told me that I was picking on people with a disorder. I had no idea I was being insensitive.
Does anybody mind if I hit the reset button and pretend that I never saw that definition of Histronic Personality Disorder? Also – does anybody mind if rename that disorder to SuperTool Disorder?
F it. TO THE GRAM!
LIKE A G6 LIKE A G6!!!
I need a full breakdown on Far East Movement and the Cataracs and I needed it yesterday. Talk about a 1-hit wonder. If you added up their total streams on every other song they have ever released would it add up to 10% of the streams they got from this G6 song?
What is a G6 anyway? It’s a jet right? Please god don’t tell me it’s that Pontiac car from like 2010.
Believe it or not after googling “g6” this is the first google result that actually led me to the answer I was looking for:
Gulfstream 650….that’s more like it.
That’s what I’m talking about! This tool didn’t name himself “the_real_gsix” for nothing. He’s all about that luxury jet-living high life (there’s also a decent chance he named himself after the Pontiac).
Let’s take another look at that profile.
“Animalpak athlete.” “NPC Bodybuilder” (everyone knows I love a good fake bodybuilding league). Shit ton of flexing selfies. Jorts. Cutoff flannel. Those timberland boots that every finance bro in college walked around in. And thigh pics (that’s a new one).
I think I need to look at that text message exchange a little closer. What’s going on here?
Oh that’s a text exchange with his wife? Well that’s interesting. I wonder why he thinks this is significant enough to post to Instagram. If I posed exactly like that and sent the unsolicited picture to my girlfriend I guarantee you she would respond the exact same way.
“Jesus Christ.” (*alarmed at what she just received*)
“What in the actual fuck.” (don’t ever send me that shit again or you and I are done)
Somebody should probably inform him that this poor lady was concerned with her safety – not impressed by his roided out legs.
What else we got?
This shit just writes itself. All of these tools and bodybuilders are all the same guy. Every single one of these cases always comes back to the same idea – everybody needs a boyscout club to belong to.
I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but I’m calling it like I see it. This guy probably went through the emo band guy phase and it didn’t work out for him. So then he tried basketball, but his jumpshot probably sucked. Eventually he found his comfort zone being surrounded by meathead tools inside a gym throwing around weights and stripping down naked to get inside tanning beds.
Apologize for putting that visual in front of you, but I’ve been meaning to ask this…
Why do these jacked up tools always insist on showing you their bulge? Since when is it socially acceptable to walk around in tights? And post pictures of your crotch in white tights? Please let me know if you’ve got any info on that. I’ve got a long list of Megan’s law candidates in my inbox dying to know that answers to those questions.
“Here’s my asscrack in case you didn’t enjoy the frontside view!”
*Justin Trudeau has entered the chat* (also is that a fat Ben Shapiro on the right?)
Ok I’m very confused. I would testify in court that I have no clue which of those guys is my TOTW. I am seriously a coin flip on picking him out. I somehow don’t think either of those people are him…
Did I call it with the emo band guy phase or did I call it with the emo band guy phase?
The picture is funny, but that caption is something else. Straight up roller coaster ride.
“Hey I have another cocaine nose bleed. Take a picture, my fans will probably think it’s from lifting heavy weights.”
“This was not a costume.” Bro that’s the most normal looking I’ve ever seen you look…
I don’t know if this guy is stealling identities on a yearly basis, but I’m at the point where I have zero clue what he looks like. He looks like a different person in every single photo.
Also is his head deformed from the steroids here? Looks gigantic.
Every time I look at this guy I think JERSEY. I’m pretty sure when he was born the doctor looked down and said “how did he get that neon club admission wristband on his arm?”
Speaking of Jersey clubbers – let’s wrap up with this video of 7 tools in a 2002 Honda Accord heading to a Jersey shore bar. I can neither confirm nor deny that TOTW24 is any one of these people in the car (because his face apparently changes on a daily basis).
(I think he legitimately might be the guy in the back left rocking the camo) “YOU BETTER STEP IT UP M-FERS”