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Tool of the Week: Week 23

Let’s start this post with full disclosure – I’m still not totally sure who Aubrey Huff is. I kinda remember the name Aubrey Huff, and I know he played for the San Fran Giants, but other than that I don’t really remember him. I recently have seen his name online for being in hot water because he likes Donald Trump (I enjoy how you are only allowed to publicly state that you are a democrat, otherwise you are satan – See Jack Nicklaus’ twitter account for examples). But it wasn’t until very recently when I saw this post that I realized Huff is working with a low IQ:

At first I read that and assumed he was talking about the entire US. But then the word California stuck in my mind and I had to re-read it to see if I was understanding him correctly. This is next-level delusion and it must be fully appreciated.

This guy seriously thinks California voted red? Dude I know for a fact without checking a single vote that they didn’t vote red. I did a good hour of research before placing my state-by-state presidential winner bets and I can tell you that it would be physically impossible for California to vote red.

For the last couple weeks I’ve been walking around my house muttering to myself accusing the democrats of cheating in Georgia (I lost a fortune on Biden winning that one). I fully acknowledge how big of a desperate idiot I am by actually typing in the word “Georgia” into google to check in on the re-count. There is 0.000001% chance they counted it incorrectly enough to get the winner wrong. I lost. It’s that simple. (That being said I nailed Biden PA for some decent dough.)

But for this Huff guy to go all in and be losing sleep over CALIFORNIA?? Holy shit he’s making me seem pretty sane. Check out the recent voting history of California in presidential elections.

You’re not just losing, bud. Your guy is getting the shit kicked out of him by 4-5 million votes. I promise you if they recounted that one it won’t change. I work with numbers at my job all of the time. I’ll fat finger something or use a bad formula in excel. But never have I mistakenly said “this project will cost $5 million dollars” when the actual cost will be $10 million dollars. 

Maybe I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt…maybe you are just playing into your twitter crowd? Maybe you don’t actually believe what you just said about California voting red.

Ok, nope he believes it. Or at least he thinks he believes it. 

As a general rule – if you have to point out that your prediction is your “serious prediction,” then deep down in your heart you probably don’t believe in it yourself. Take a second and imagine a scenario where a president knocks down 47/51 states in the electoral college. That’s the funniest shit of all time. Why would we even need to vote if the score was going to be 487 to 51? That’s like Alabama taking the field with UCF in 2017. Why do we need to see Alabama kick the shit out of UCF by 35 points in order to confirm they were the national champion? Oh wait – we don’t do that. 

Back to the tool. In order to responsibly paint the picture of this guy I feel like I should get to know him a little better. I know you played baseball….let’s figure out some more about your life. 

Huh…wonder what went wrong in this guys life. TRANSFORMERS. MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE.

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Just because you’d rather watch Transformers than deal with your father’s annoyance of a death and you think a 5 million vote deficit is close doesn’t mean you can’t play some damn baseball. I don’t care how big of an idiot this guy is, he successfully hit baseballs at the highest level from 2000 to 2012. Somewhere Curt Schilling is raising his hand and saying “I am also an idiot who happens to be tremendous at baseball.”

“Gotta own the times you go off the rails” is Chappelle-level funny. I’m definitely using that next time I screw up. Also – never forget this Schilling gem of a facebook share:

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Jesus that photo is something else. That’s a classic “don’t take the bait” situation. If my memory serves me correctly this was the defining moment of Curt’s ESPN career. Pretty sure he got fired over this.

This is the part where I should definitely move on, but I can’t help but wonder what would happen if Curt ever got ahold of that video where that woman is screaming at the guy in the video game store that she’s “MAAM! ITS MAAM! NOT SIR!”

My greatest fear in life is finding myself in the shoes of that guy behind the counter. He’s by no means trying to be rude, but he keeps screwing up and misgendering that woman, who in turn is getting furiously violent. 

Let’s get off Curt and let’s get back to Aubrey –

Welp. That was a roller coaster.

Guess he really steered into that whole Transformers thing. How about the 12-15 postgame beers? Gotta imagine that would require some time commitment. Three beers per hour is a pretty decent pace, so I guess he is drinking for 5 straight hours every night? Had I been his friend at the time I would have suggested: a) slow down your drinking and b) if you really need to drink that much consider switching to liquor. Time is money!

Not really sure what’s going on with the thong thing, but that sounds textbook TOOL. 

SAN FRANCISCO - NOVEMBER 03: Aubrey Huff of the San Francisco Giants bites his red rally thong during the San Francisco Giants victory parade on November 3, 2010 in San Francisco, California. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)
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I don’t have much to comment on regarding the suicide stuff, but I did find this quote where he seemingly calls himself a “pussy” for thinking about shooting himself and I couldn’t help but laugh.

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Ok I think I’ve touched on enough controversial topics for one post. I promise you this guy is an asshole tool, just bear with me.

The best way to handle this will be to simply list off one offense after another below in no particular order. With this guy, there is way way way too much to choose from. So I’m grabbing some highlights, but I’m positive that I’m missing all sorts of great stuff. 

Let’s do this. 

Classic. When you replace an 80 year old white guy with another 80 year old white guy in an arbitrary position that has zero effect on your personal life, the next logical step to take is to teach your children how to shoot guns to fend off socialists. 

Look, I get it. I don’t think I’m really into socialism either. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say there is a few steps between the government pissing away more tax dollars and having to start firing headshots. I think you will have plenty of time to train.

I’m actually laughing to myself as I type this. The thought of someone admitting that they “very rarely” wear a mask is actually super refreshing. At this point I am so corona’d out that I enjoy checking in on Clay Travis and the boys to see some of the new shit they are throwing out there. It’s moronic, but at least it’s not all doom and gloom 24/7. It’s not Chris Cuomo pretending to be sick for the 25th straight day while Anderson Cooper promises you your grandparents are going to die.

That being said, this tool is a complete moron when it comes to covid. I’ll inlcude one more idiotic tweet below, but for me to try and capture how many hilarious tweets he tosses out related to covid would be an all day effort. 

“I’ll wait” LOL.

I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot lately. Why are we pretending that everyone is going to take this vaccine? Do you realize how many Aubrey Huffs and Frank and Benesha’s are out there who are going to say “thanks but no thanks”? It’s probably 1/3 of the population. I’m looking forward to Dr. Fauci unsuccessfully trying to explain to everyone like this why they need to take it. 

But I think the tool has got a pretty foolproof system here. You share a video of you popping that needle into your arm, Doc Fauci, and then me and Aubrey will be right behind you. 

Oh my god I can’t tell if he’s being serious here, but I think he sort of is? “Be hot. A hard 8 or above” is the funniest thing I’ve seen all day. 

Mildly concerning response…

Jesus we get it man. You are convinced Jason Daniel takes viagra. Either I am missing something or you are weirdly obsessed with the notion that old people take viagra. Why on earth did you feel the need to rip off back to back tweets about this within seconds of each other?

I’ve never been more uncomfortable than I am looking at a tweet where this tool tags 3 guys who play for the Giants and essentially says “good luck with your female coach.” Idk if he’s friends with those guys or what. But he leaves them no choice but to come out and publicly state how excited they are that their coach is a female when realistically they probably didn’t give a shit what gender she was in the first place. 

CRUSHING IT. That sounds like something I would have heard on xbox live during call of duty in 2010. I would not suspects that’s something a professional athlete would be tweeting form his actual twitter account. 

Not gonna lie…I started to get nervous that I wouldn’t be able to find any videos of this tool lifting shirtless. Never a goddam doubt. 

As I’ve been writing this I can’t help but feel a little bit worried that I am poking fun at a guy who is secretly hiding an addiction problem. I just confirmed my fear when I saw this video. “red wine to get a BUZZ ON tonight.”

Man….where have I heard this before…

Oh yeah….TOTW 18!

I’m trying to imagine what the alternative is to running your plans by your SO and I’m actually having a hard time. I guess I don’t literally say “am I allowed to do this?” but I can’t think of a time that I have ever just peaced out without warning. Seems more like a common courtesy thing than a masculine thing. But guess that just makes me a PUSSY that kneels for the anthem while wearing a mask. 

Let’s wrap up!

Chris Cuomo aka TOTW 8? Don’t get me wrong – he’s up there. But TOTW 23 might have him beat.

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