BREAKING NEWS
Adam “Schefty” Schefter is a gigantic tool.
Thank god you set up your SnakeAlerts! Does it count as breaking news if you have already deduced that Schefty is a tool on your own?
What gave it away?
- Was it the fact that he carries 4 cell phones?
- Was it the fact that he wakes up at 3am to fire off tweets in order to gain some followers?
- Was it his Darren Rovell-like ability to look like a buffoon while attempting athletic feats?
- Was it the fact that he went to Michigan? (Are you guys sensing a trend yet? I feel like the last 7 tools I’ve featured are all MICHIGAN MEN).
- Was it the fact that he’s willing to violate HIPAA laws in order to break meaningless news?
(I’m having a hard time moving on after bringing up that “Michigan Men” thing. I keep thinking about how insanely idiotic and pretentious that is to think of yourself as special because you used to get drunk with a bunch of assholes in an Ann Arbor frat house. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A MICHIGAN MAN!?)
I think the only thing more insufferable than a Michigan Man might be a Northwestern school of journalism grad. Oh shit what do you know!
Just FYI the fact that he holds diplomas from BOTH of those places automatically qualifies him as smartest guy in the room for the rest of his life. Don’t shoot the messenger, I’m just telling you how it works.
I wonder what happens when Schefty, Darren Rovell and Greeny all get in a room together. They probably just sit around and list off their sophomore transcript grades and talk about how underrated the Big Ten West is. And meanwhile Pat Fitzgerald sits in a 4 billion dollar facility gameplanning for 19 hours straight to go out and lose by 500 points to Purdue at 11AM.
So let’s actually double back on the above bullet points. One at a time lets break em down.
The Cellphones
I’m pretty sure this dickhead carries more than two cell phones. If you’ve ever seen him on ESPN you know that he’s constantly dicking with his phones and letting you know how important he is by leaving it plopped out on the table. He’ll pick it up while someone else is talking. All sorts of rude shit like that. And for what? To try and be the first guy who finds out your teams backup right guard has covid? I guess Schefty is the adult version of that annoying kid from elementary school who wanted to be the first one to tell you what was for lunch that day. “I saw chicken patties thawing out on the counter!”
He even claims his first monthly cell phone bill at ESPN was $6,000. Which is complete bullshit. He started working for ESPN in 2009. Not sure what his carrier was charging per minute of voice back then, but it sure as shit wasn’t $6000 a month. What would that even entail? How many seconds do you need to be on the phone to have some tattletale rat on the Patriots tell you a secret about Tom Brady being probable with a shoulder injury this Sunday?
No honestly, how many minutes would that even take to rack up $6000? I just dug through some archived Verizon message board forums from that time period and some guy threw out a comment about 40 cents per minute once you went over your allowance. $6000/$0.40/minute=15000minutes=250hours=8hrs20minutes a day. Even if it took 2 full minutes for someone to leak him a nugget we’d be talking about 250 breaking news stories in a day. For me, all this does is beg the real question – how much adult content and Lady gaga music videos did Adam Schefter consume during his first month at ESPN?
And not only does this tool have the nerve to text during his on-air appearances, he’ll actually take phone calls. Full blown stop what he’s doing and answer the phone on air. If the president of the US interrupted himself on television to take a phone call I would think “wow that was rude. no way that was important enough to take that call.” Yet Adam Schefter needs to do this on a regular basis. How highly of himself must he think? “Sorry guys, gotta take this one. The people need their Dak Prescott updates!”
"Hold on one second, I got to take this." 📱@AdamSchefter live on @notthefakeSVP breaking Le’Veon Bell news. pic.twitter.com/vZyWmK7ane
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) March 13, 2019
What an asshole. I’m not sure if any of those were scripted, but I’m also not sure whether that would make them better or worse if they were scripted.
“Am I right or wrong?”
Twitter Obsession
Another absurd Schefty claim – He doesn’t sleep through the night, but instead takes catnaps and spends hours at a time on his phone from 2am to 4am. That’s right. Schefty is basically that older guy in your office who knocks off at 2:00pm every day because he “starts his day at 4:30!” The guy that sends a few emails out bright and early from under his blankets in order to cover his tracks.
Remember – we’re talking about a guy who refuses to break news on live television and instead insists on making Scott Van Pelt sit in silence while he taps the keyboard of his phone to post it on twitter.
And let’s not forget one of the all time Schefty moments in Twitter history…
@AdamSchefter Forgetting to uncheck the box that says "post to twitter" ain't a hacking, homes.
— Paul (@paul_boye) November 19, 2013
The classic “I was hacked” routine. Kind of strange to claim that no one cares about mentions or follows immediately after accidentally sharing his mentions/follows stats.
Unathleticism
This feels like one of those deals where someone wants to have their cake and eat it too. Schefty is one of these guys that plays the “look at me failing miserably in a catching competition vs. Jerry Rice LOL” but also steps out of the camera frame to lecture some production assistant to go get his receiver gloves and get them moistened.
At the end of the day, if all of your coworkers are nonstop laughing at you during the segment then you are on the wrong end of the joke.
WTF is that marathon story??? I don’t buy that for a second. There is A LOT of sauce on that plane ride bit. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that he was probably just dehydrated from doing physical activity for the first time in his life.
Michigan Man
I’ve already beat this horse to death. Let’s all just take a second to all admire some of the smartest, most selfless, admirable men of the finest character that bless the rest of us with their presence on this earth.
Journalistic Integrity
If you’re anything like me – you appreciate an ESPN Northwestern journalist who isn’t afraid to weigh in with some good ole liberal bias. Nothing beats scoring brownie points for that fake moral compass! “I’d like to take this time to use my platform to educate you racist misogynists on equality right after I tweet out these illegally obtained medical records of JPP.”
.@AdamSchefter You're a real piece of sh*t for putting that picture up!
— James Harrison (@jharrison9292) July 9, 2015
Good quality journalistic ethics at work! And let’s not forget the time Schefty got his hands on the Richie Incognito Bullygate voicemail and edited the transcript to leave out the “OK, call me back” part.
LASTLY!
I’d be remiss if I wrapped this thing up without touching on the wife situation. But I’m not even sure it belongs in this blog. I feel like this is less of a TOOL thing and more of a ‘holy shit this guy is a little bit out in left field’ thing. To sum it up, Schefty married a widow who’s husband died in the 9/11 attacks. Strangely enough he seems to take every opportunity to share this very personal piece of information with us all. In fact, he recently authored a book about it.
I’m sure this is all well intentioned and “brave” by the social justice warrior standards, but a part of my F’d up brain can’t help but think the dude is LITERALLY dancing on this poor bastards grave.
“Hey Schefty, I’d love to hear a little more about how happy you are starting a second family with my wife, but let me know when the audiobook comes out. Audible accounts are free in heaven, but we haven’t quite figured out how to mail hardcovers up here.” -Scheftys wife’s first husband