If you’ve made it to this blog then presumably you are wondering who the hell is holding that coffee mug. Perhaps you are wondering if it’s the guy from Netflix that murdered multiple wives by beating the living shit out of them and then throwing them down staircases before proceeding to claim the second one died from an owl attack (wish I was making that up).
“The owl theory is a ridiculous theory when you first hear it. You really have to get into the evidence in order to understand that it was actually possible for an owl to do this.” -the idiot at the beginning of that video
Let me fix that quote for him. “The owl theory is a ridiculous theory when you first hear it and every time after that when you hear it because no owl in the history of owls has ever beat the living fuck out of an adult and left a scene that looks like this.”
Also – imagine showing up to court to meet your public defense laywer and this guy shows up, reaches out his hand and says “Hi I’m Larry.”
“Holy shit your honor, I’m sorry for wasting everyone’s time. I’ll take the maximum sentence.”
In all seriousness, if you need a laugh – watch The Staircase on Netflix. Go into it with the mindset that it’s a comedy and you’ll be in tears mid-episode 1. You only need to knock out the first few episodes to get the full picture of what’s happening. *Spoiler alert – the guy is out-of-his-mind delusional.*
Ok so after all that nonsense – to answer your question: No, that shirtless dude drinking coffee is not the Netflix guy.
But maybe you didn’t think it was him in the first place. Maybe you were thinking to yourself “Why does that shirtless tool look like ESPN’s John Buccigross.” Well, that’s because that shirtless tool IS John Buccigross aka BUCCI MANE.
New, sweet quarter zips from @wagglegolf are here...#LegDay #MoreRibeyes #HardGainer (https://t.co/TH85QH0TOo) 🏌️♀️ ⛳️ 🍂 pic.twitter.com/RW3BPxTJue
— Bucci Mane (@Buccigross) October 9, 2020
That tweet is from Friday. Yes, as in a couple days ago. That’s right. That’s a 55 year old year old man in a toddler looking bro tank unboxing douche shirts and lip syncing into his iphone.
This is probably an unpopular opinion – but this guy sucks. And he’s been on my ‘this guy sucks’ radar for a couple years now. Ever since I saw that cringey story about him sending a shirtless photo to his coworker.
God I felt cringey even finding and posting that picture.
“Summer I turn into Matthew Mconaghy!!! Sorry!” Yikes. Going with the ‘this is me being deprecating, but also if you want to compliment me that would be fine by me’ approach. We’ve all been there.
Speaking of, one time my buddy described this below video as “we’ve all been there” and I thought it was even funnier than the video itself:
So classic. Blaringly loud music. Strobe lights. Spring Break looking drinks. And some drunk guy working OVERTIME throwing shit at the wall trying to get something to stick to that poor girl (who of course looks dead sober).
Apparently whoever posted this video to twitter took it down (too late, still ruined that guys life), but some of the replies were terrific.
Anyway – back to BUCCI. Whomever he sent that photo to ended up filing a sexual harassment lawsuit against ESPN. I have no idea if the suit was justified or whatever…but all I know is this dude texts like a complete TOOL.
I’m trying to rack my brain on every other 55 year old man I can think of on this earth who would text like that. Hmmmm…
OH WAIT!
Goddamit that was close! Almost.
All right – so certainly I must have a lot more evidence if I’m sitting here today willing to label Buccigross as a tool. Well actually, I don’t. Dude just strikes me as a tool. I call it like I see it. How about the fact that his twitter name is Bucci Mane?
I’ll go ahead and scan the twitter feed real quick, but this is for your convincing, not mine.
Lot to unpack right here off the bat.
- Look, if you are a fan of college hockey – I think that’s awesome. College sports are the shit. Case open and closed. But if you are a fan of “cawlidge hockey” – eh. That shit is kind of annoying. I get that he’s got to market his brand or whatever, but I feel like he is insufferable with that phrase for about 9 months a year.
- I’ve read that bio 3 times now and I don’t know what the hell it means. Either I’m an idiot or that’s just one of those things that idiots put as their bio because they think it makes them look smart. I’m banking on the latter.
- Putting your instagram handle in your twitter bio is also cringey tool. Nobody asked, bud.
- That Pinned Tweet is so spot on. “Hey just throwing it out there that I’m such a loser that I’m single ladies! #AlwaysQuarantining!”
Golfing with @Kenny_Mayne pic.twitter.com/djzedhtQPT
— Bucci Mane (@Buccigross) September 30, 2020
I’m not including this to be funny but this is one of the first tweets I stopped to look at and I had ZERO idea that Kenny Mayne was a borderline amputee. Check this out:
I guess he still has a leg, but he needs that super duty brace. Also had no idea that Kenny Maybe was chucking passes for UNLV.
Moving on…
Come on over. I have bourbon and I’m watching Backstory on ESPN2 pic.twitter.com/LqDwRWL4Mr
— Bucci Mane (@Buccigross) September 30, 2020
I can’t stand people that brag about bourbon and whisky and stuff like that. Which is super hypocritical because I am one of those annoying craft beer people. But I’m going to ignore that part and claim it’s tool to post a picture holding up a 1/4 oz glass of bourbon.
Let’s do a $9.99 tank top sale at https://t.co/sCULBRMazP. Give me something to do..#armseveryday #fiftysetsOfFifty pic.twitter.com/LVyaXWyACc
— Bucci Mane (@Buccigross) August 26, 2020
No need to hire a model for your bro tanks when you are a model yourself #ARMSEVERYDAY
Bears Den 👇🏻 pic.twitter.com/p4DJ8Z1ohH
— Bucci Mane (@Buccigross) July 19, 2020
No clue what “Bears Den” means but I am uncomfortable for what I think should be obvious reasons.
*scrolling scrolling scrolling scrolling*
So if you remember from about 20 seconds ago I said “nobody gives a shit what your instagram handle is Bucci.” I’m actually going to retract that and finish out my investigation on Instagram. This tool has entirely too many tweets to scroll through.
And the most painful part is most of his tweets are him replying to fanboys wearing his cawledge hockey hats and tool tanks. I’m dying inside. Gotta make the switch to IG.
Pretty confused why his Steve Levy tribute video has a few images of himself that Steve Levy is not pictured in. Or maybe I’m not confused at all. That seems about par for the course for this guy.
Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he’s really flirting with that ‘you need to buzz your head’ territory. (I can’t wait until I go bald some day – I totally deserve it for all the shit I’ve talked on here)
If you would have handed me a multiple choice 1-question-quiz that said “where does Buccigross where his sunglasses when he golfs?” I woulda ignored the 4 options and did a write in for “upside down on the back of his head.”
No real comment here. I just noticed Jay Bilas and got blood red mad immediately. That guy is such an insufferable prick. Jay Bilas is the guy in a bar argument screaming at the other person telling him “I graduated from Duke BRO, what makes you so smart!?”
That’s pretty much all I got on Bucci. Let’s wrap up with him wearing a ridiculous looking shirt as a…..*checks age one more time*…..55 year old man.
PS – I decided to give Buccigross the benefit of the doubt and google the phrase “I’m a white boy and I’m jacked!” I was hoping for his sake that it was a popular quote that I wasn’t aware of. To my surprise – IT IS. AND BONUS: IT’S GOLD.
HE DOUBLED DOWN AND SAID IT AGAIN VERBATIM. I’m not gonna lie, I’m giggling like a schoolgirl right now. Brock Lesnar might have just bought himself a spot aboard the TOTW.