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Tool of the Week: Week 16

If you recall from Tool of the Week 4, I had referenced the plethora of tools to choose from within the elite class of college football strength coaches. Cue the video!!!

Now THAT is the type of content I’m interested in, ESPN. That’s why I turn on your channel once a month. As much as I love listening to Mike Greenberg lecture me on racial equality from his home office in his 99.999% caucasian suburban neighborhood, I enjoy the sports stories like this a little more. How good was that? Quick recap:

  • Solid 30-second montage of idiot strength coaches screaming at 19 year olds. For the record the only guy in that video who I would give a 1% chance of being a normal dude is the Clemson assistant with the goatee beard.
  • The real dialogue starts with the godfather of cfb strength coaches, Boyd Epley. Talk about irony. The head of the strength program that was built by taking steroids. So perfect.
  • Then we transition to 5′-2″ Mickey Marotti who looks like more like a guy that specializes in 12 ounce curls on his couch.
  • Quick feature on NW’s Alex Spanos parading around in his “Smedium shirts.”
  • And then….an introduction to this week’s Tool!

Meet Aaron Feld. Aka “THE STACHE.”

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LOL started as a joke between who? Yourself and your bathroom mirror? That haircut and that stache is no coincidence. This guy is a major tool. I need a minute-by-minute breakdown of his morning routine and I needed it yesterday. I’m talking about his routine BEFORE he heads to practice. Dude probably wakes up at 4am sharp to allow himself the 90 minutes of time required to gel up his hair and trim his mustache. This guy looks like what Pat McAfee wishes he could look like.

Also – that frat house composite photo was no joke.

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Look at that mug. That’s the face of a guy that you can find outside the local SEC college town tavern resisting arrest for drunk and disorderly on no less than 3 nights a week. Screaming to some poor cop about how his dad “donates your salary!” But don’t let the meathead tool look fool you. Make no mistake, this is a man who LOVES THE SCIENCE.

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Ok Mr. “it’s about the biomechanics in general,” please go ahead and tell me a little more about  “unjalating” periodization. I just tried googling it and the only thing I can deduce is that you tried to say “undulating” periodization. You did exactly what I used to do in 10th grade where I would read the vocab words 5 minutes before the quiz and then try to memorize them all.

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*Edit: I just saw a video where some other guy pronounced it with a j-sound. Maybe he said it correctly. That still doesn’t mean he could spell it correctly, let alone explain it.*

I was actually pretty undecided on who to write about this weekend, but when I woke up this morning I tossed on an Oregon Ducks sweatshirt. That combined with the fact that I was talking to T-Man last night and he mentioned something about Oregon’s strength coach claiming he could be a head coach someday…all the stars were aligning for me to choose Feld for this week’s Tool.

So anyway I HAD to know if what the T-Man told me about him was a real-life claim. Does this guy really think that White Goodman wannabes like him can coach a D-1 powerhouse football program!?

Well, after like an hour of researching this Tool I have to regrettably report that although he earns a salary of $400,000 (holy shit), I could not find any evidence of this claim that he believes a strength coach could evolve into a head coach. For now, I’m optimistically unsure what his stance on that subject would be. But would it really surprise you if he believes that?

So normally I like to dive into these guys personalities with an instagram breakdown. But in this Tool’s case I managed to stumble upon his twitter before his IG and from what I’ve seen, I don’t think we need to bother looking anywhere else. Holy shit is this guys twitter a goldmine, or is this guys twitter a goldmine?? #FLEXFRIDAY

This week in “The Least Surpising News Ever” Aaron Feld thinks Joe Rogan could be an effective moderator of Donald Trump vs Joe Biden. Great perspective here.

I have no clue what the ’45 Day Challenge’ is but I am absolutely shocked that he’s using it as an opportunity to show himself off getting a “juicy pump.”

Not gonna lie this is so good that I actually started to like this guy while I was laughing at this video. Credit where credit is due, this is so stupid it’s funny.

Ok I’m officially in tears. This dude must be so COVID-bored that he’s double-knee-brace lunging around his cul de sac with a corpse on his back. *Also I can’t stop humming “happy birthday to me” as I’m sitting here writing this. I love it.*

I wonder if any of the neighbors have called the police to report the meth blocking the street?

WTF is happening. Did he just time travel and read my blog with those two pictures? The more I scroll the more I think I might actually be friends with this guy…

Mandatory Tool of the Week incredible feat of strength. Casual 500 and 600 pound squat session.

I wonder if he filmed this video in between his biomechanics lectures.

Mandatory clip of the obnoxious tool in his element screaming “LET’S GO!” ✔️

Cam Hanes sighting! ELK MEAT. GAINZ. I wonder if any of the workouts had him gasping for air in excitement. 

Oh my god is this ‘happy birthday to me’ thing a yearly tradition? F-it. I love this guy. Let’s end on this high note.

#FILLTHESLEEVES #TOOLON

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