You are currently viewing Tool of the Week: Week 15

Tool of the Week: Week 15

You know that old expression about “I’d like to sit down and drink a beer with that guy”? Like when Obama was the president and somebody who hated Obama would say “I’d love to sit down and drink a beer with him, I just don’t want him as my president.” *Sidenote – has anyone on earth ever made that statement with Trump’s name in place of Obama’s? Over/under 1 person ever?*

On the flip side of that coin, Taylor Lewan is my ultimate candidate for “I would never drink a beer with that guy in a million years if my life depended on it and there was a gun to my head.” No thanks, I’d rather you pull the trigger. I’d go as far to say that Taylor Lewan is my least favorite human on the planet that I’ve never met. And I don’t need to meet him. I knew what this guy was all about from the moment I became aware of his existence. You know what he’s about? Himself. The dude is a Grade-A TOOL.

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Again, I don’t know the dude. I haven’t even researched the dude. But I’m going to rattle off some bullet points below. Some of this stuff is my unwarranted speculation. Some of this stuff is things I’ve actually heard about him (that I have not verified). The important part here is that you read all of my bullet points and assume they are 100% factual and jump aboard this hate train with me.

So let’s give this a try. Here are some of Taylor “after-the-whistle” Lewan’s notable Tool moments throughout his life:

  • Was a jackass high school bully. (Classmates probably fatshamed him growing up and turned him into that)
  • Has taken steroids
  • Went to Michigan
  • Cheated on schoolwork
  • Intimidated a sexual assault victim by threatening to sexually assault her
  • Gets into drunken bar fights
  • Screams “let’s go” at uncomfortable decibels for non-significant events
  • Has cancelled every anger management appointment his mom made for him
  • Commits a personal foul – unnecessary roughness on every single play. It’s just a matter of whether the refs actually flag it.
  • Idolizes Richie Incognito and Ndomakong Suh

So like I said I don’t know how much of that is true, but please recognize the fact that I didn’t make up the sexual assault one. Also pencil in PEDs, bar fights, and personal fouls as “mostly accurate.”

I promise you this guy sucks. Just go to google images and type in his name.

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Check out this FIRE hat and full arm sleeve, bro!

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*Nonsensically screaming “NOBODY CAN STOP US” during the Titans 3-13 season back in 2015*

THIS. This is the most Taylor Lewan photo ever taken. If one of those safari guys from National Geographic wanted to break down this photo it would go like this: “Pictured here is the meathead jackass in his true element. After shoving an opponent 4 seconds after the whistle and getting his helmet ripped off, the jackass is seen laughing at the offsetting personal fouls. Photo taken just moments before pleading his case to the official that he “did nothing wrong!” with a flabbergasted look on his face.”

via GIPHY

So I understand that not everyone else’s brain works like mine. Some of you see those pictures of him and you just see a typical-looking NFL offensive lineman. Personally, I see a man-child who got picked last in gym class one too many times and now he’s out to prove to Sammy from lunch table #4 that he was the best kickball player.  But again, I realize that not everybody has this 20/20 SnakeToolVision™. So i brought some receipts….

Nothing to see here! Just playing to the whistle. I am a little bit surprised that the ref didn’t throw a flag on #9 for trying to yank Lewan down on the ground by using his facemask to grab ahold of Lewan’s hand.

“Oh shit, I thought this was the Tennessee sideline. I didn’t mean to walk over here. But, while I’m here let me show you how tough I am, Mr. 5′-9″ Josh Norman.”

If you listen closely you’ll hear the whistle come in just AFTER Lewan has went airborne. And as far as I know, there’s nothing in the rulebook preventing him from submarine missle-ing helmet first into a crowd when the ball carrier is down and the whistle hasn’t been blown. That defender’s neck was fair game.

You might have to look twice to see him, but sure enough there he is charging in for a huge SPEAR. He actually concussed himself. It’s also noteworthy that he got penalized for this one. See below…

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Honestly – how big of an asshole do you have to be in order to get Kirk Herbstreit to call you out? But let me stick up for Lewan for a second, Kirk. The reason he was loafing off the field is because he just gave himself some self-inflicted CTE and forgot what planet he was on.

And now for my all time personal favorite Taylor Lewan incident!

Simply magnificent. I could write a full 10,000 word blog breaking down this piece of beauty. Being a Dolphins fan, I actually still remember the game that this happened. And I remember the next day at work when one of my coworkers, who I have never heard being concerned about anyone else in his life, told me he was concerned about Taylor Lewan. “Did you see that scary roid rage incident that Titans player had?”

“Oh – did I see when Taylor Lewan awoke from getting knocked unconscious and immediately sprinted around the field looking for someone to fight while barely being able to stand on his two feet? Yeah I saw that. I actually didn’t sleep last night because I stayed up watching the replay of that crackback block on loop.”

And while I have the receipts out let’s just quickly check in on his PED suspension…

No harm, no foul. Just a silly misunderstanding. The age-old problem of standing around in your kitchen and saying “gimme some of that powder in that jar that doesn’t have a label on it so I can consume it.” How’s the guy supposed to know what chemicals are in his supplements? It’s not like he has a team nutritionist, dietician, doctor, strength coach, etc. at his disposal!

The good news (great news) is that in Lewan’s first game back from his drug suspension he had a shitty performance against the Bills and it led to a very entertaining twitter feud between him and some Bills defenders.

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Saying “I’m glad he could be apart of that today” when referencing an ass-kicking is a diabolical quote.

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And while we’re at it here’s a nice little snippet on a couple of his minor run-ins with the law…

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“I was actually breaking something up” should go into the Tool Hall of Fame. We all know that one idiot friend (who’s not really our friend) who comes out to the bars with us and CONSTANTLY gets into an altercation. He’s fighting the bouncer, or some guy that “thought I was hitting on his girlfriend” or he’s saying “I was actually breaking something up.” Oh my god is that line funny. I’m willing to bet Taylor Lewan “breaks up a fight” every Saturday night around 1:30am. You can set your watch to it.

The weirdest part about him breaking up that fight is his ex-girlfriends wildly incorrect interpretation of what happened. 

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Before we wrap up we have to go to the instagram. I can’t imagine I’ll have to scroll down too far to find a couple gems..

Do yourself a favor and check out @bussinwtb if you want to cringe so hard it physically hurts. It’s a podcast where him and his buddies all get inside a bus and scream “the boys!” and “for the boys!” Between him and his co-host the combined IQ in that bus doesn’t break 100 until the guest steps inside.

Ok. Gotta say I didn’t expect that. First pic. I’m going to call it a day on that note.

PS – I stumbled upon this clip during my research. Been replaying it every 5 minutes and I am yet to not laugh at it.

Well said, Charles James II.

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