The instagram explore (discover?) tab is straight up doing the work for me at this point.
Idk if I’ve researched one too many tools on the ‘gram or what. But apparently Mark Zuckerberg thinks I’m into insecure men in their late 30s who reduce their anxiety by taking shirtless pics of themselves flexing. I guess if anything I should be issuing Zuck a big ole THANK YOU because I don’t suppose I ever would have stumbled upon this week’s Tool without him.
For this week’s Tool…..drumroll…..we have THE STRANGEST LOOKING HUMAN ON THE PLANET.
Now I know what you are thinking…”Snake’s exaggerating. ‘Strangest looking on the planet?’ Has he been paying attention to Duke’s basketball team in the 21st century?”
Wow. Now don’t get me wrong. Those guys are freaks. But they all have weird faces. The remarkable thing with today’s Tool is that he has a pretty normal face (all things considered). But his normal face is attached to a normal head. And his normal head is attached to a very very very abnormal body. Allow me to explain with some photos below. But real quickly before I do – I want to revisit the Duke weirdos and take another look at Jahlil Okafor. Is anyone gonna sit there with a straight face and tell me that he isn’t Dane Cook’s brother!? Yes, I’m referring to Dane Cook the shitty comedian.
I can’t point out a single distinguishing feature that’s causing my brain to make me think that’s the same person but they look STRIKINGLY similar while also looking nothing alike. I’ve stared at it to the point where it’s making me uncomfortable. Or maybe they don’t look alike at all? But I googled “Jahlil Okafor Dane Cook” for shits and giggles are there are exactly 2 people on earth (no more and no less) that agree with my assessment.
Jahlil Okafor the black Dane Cook pic.twitter.com/2iPXv6PrHi
— sage 🤝 (@sagemyster) October 9, 2015
Ok. That’s enough beating around the bush. At this point you guys probably just want to want to see what this week’s douchebag looks like. I’ve kept you waiting long enough. Here are 5 images of this dude. But before you look, I want you to note this specimens head to body size as you scroll down. Enjoy!
I swear to god those photos aren’t photoshopped. That is the actual size of his head.
…….
Ok fine I lied. I photoshopped the second one to make his head larger to see if I could get away with it. I tried to scale a normal sized head on that body and that’s what I came up with. I don’t know if it looks more or less realistic than his actual photo…
I am on planet looney toons or has that guy steroided himself well beyond his physical limitations? It’s like he’s a create-your-player on Madden when you would screw around and exaggerate the guys physical features. “He’s a 7′-0″ tall tailback with lightning speed and wears a size 6 womens shoe.”
But seriously….just look at this shit!!
Idk about you guys but when I stumble across a guy like this my mind will start to drift. At some point his disproportionate features take a backseat to me wondering what his backstory is. What on earth happened to him that made him decide to pump his body full of chemicals and shrink his brain, er, I mean his head. What the hell did some girl say to this guy in high school that sent his life spiraling down this strange path? And when we find out those words she used can we recite them to the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to extract all of their terroristic secrets? Idk what happened to him, but this guy HATES who he was in high school 1000%.
Seriously though – am I being insensitive when I say I really think something is wrong with this guy in the upstairs department?
“Some might call this a sickness.” Yeah, no shit man. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure they call that an extreme case of body dysmorphia. Does anyone want to wager a guess what type of women he is attracted to??
Who had self-absorbed, L.A. dreamer, never worked a day in her life, Walmart-brand Paris Hilton? You win!
So just in case you’re curious…this guy appears to be yet another scam artist supplement salesman or trainer of some sort. For a small fee he’s willing to invest some of his self-absorbed narcissistic free time into you! But act quick – rumors are he recently had a 30 minute block on Tuesday morning open up where he had previously been staring into a mirror for that entire timeslot.
That video murdered me. It’s like 15 seconds long and he rapid-fire tried to push 15 cancer inducing supplements on you. “I’ve been out of the gym for my injuries.” LOL. If there’s anything a bodybuilder loves more than showing you he’s at the gym, it’s telling you that he’s not at the gum because he’s “injured.”
I have a question for all you #gainz guys. Why are you fuckers ALWAYS injured? What on earth are you doing at the gym that your muscles and ligaments are constantly shutting down on you? Maybe take a couple 45s off the bar next time?
ORRRR perhaps could it be that all of that insanely unnatural shit you are taking (I think one of them was literally called ‘anabolic’) is causing your body to fail? Hm. Just a thought.
In all seriousness, I have no idea how old this tool is, but I’d be shocked if he lives past the age of 45. Sorry if that’s too harsh for you. Calling it like I see it. And what I see is a real life cartoon character consuming 12 pills for breakfast that he can’t even read the label of.
So…….who’s going to tell him?
LONG LIVE THE TOOLS. We’ll be back next week for more!
PS – This guy is a textbook candidate for a “Young Healthy Male Dies of COVID-19” CNN headline.