Week 13. I’m going to dance with the one that brought me (not sure if I’m using that expression correctly). I’m sticking with my go-to of the instagram wannabe male model body builder that neglects his wife and kids. Wait did I say wife and kids? Yes. Unfortunately I did say that. Looks like this tool is already off the market. It’s too late to save that poor woman. Let’s go to the IG!
Do I need to go any further? We could induct top-center and top-right into the Tool Hall of Fame right now and end this blog.
It’s over. Done. If anyone is still having difficulty understanding what my definition of a “tool” is then please refer to the above photos. Zoolander face, tank/shirtless, jesus cross, instagram filter, and steroid trap muscles. I really can’t imagine you need anything else from this guy to convince you of how much toolage he brings to the table.
But just for shits and giggles, we’ll go ahead and sift through a few of the 700 attention-craving photos that he has posted.
If this is a parody account and I am being Jimmy Kimmel’d then I sincerely apologize. But from what I can tell, this guy genuinely took that photo and posted it.
This looks like the most “I’m about to tell you about my hair products” photo of all time. But he’s not here to sell you anything but #goodvibes and #allsmiles
How can I say this without being totally offensive? If I were to try and guess what this gentleman’s wife was going to look like – that’s pretty much spot on with what I had penciled into my brain. The only thing we can do is pray that she is somehow equally as self-involved as he is. That way hopefully she doesn’t end up heartbroken when he gets caught sleeping with the 17 year-old trainer at his tanning salon.
I hope some scientist somewhere is running calculations on these kids because we need to study what growing up in a home environment like this does to them.
Wait a minute didn’t I already post this picture? Let me get a side-by-side.
Ah ok, that must be two different days. Two different days, two different biceps, same stone cold facial expression, same shades, and same ball cap.
Honestly, who took this picture?
Our children’s history books will tell the tale of how in early 2020 every tool in the world felt the need to post a picture of themselves flexing with a mask on.
Throwing it back to 2010. May or may not have been an old myspace default lol. 
#throwbackthursday
I’m genuinely curious what he finds funny about this picture from 2010 being his myspace default. Can you spot the difference between this and his 2020 pics? I sure as hell can’t.
Those poor bastards.
There it is! 🚨 Halloween costume alert! 🚨
At some point during my browsing through the hundreds of narcissistic selfies it occurred to me that this guy’s entire life revolves around taking pictures of himself. It also occurred to me that in order to provide for a family with multiple kids that he needs income. Don’t get me wrong – he totally seems like the type of guy that would enjoy “sucking off the teat of society” for years on end. But something tells me that he’s already exhausted that avenue. I bet the employment agency said “enough is enough.”
I have to know what he does for a living. I googled him to see if by some miracle I could find a LinkedIn hit.
Huh…that’s not what I expected to see in the search results. There’s his instagram link second from the top. But what’s this “Former employee accused…” shit all about? That can’t be the same guy. Let me look into this.
Ok, the police car doesn’t really help me. I need a mugshot. Scrolling down….
Damn! Got the mugshot but no match on our instagram tool. Although…isn’t it strange how that guy in the mugshot ALMOST looks like our tool? And they have the same name! It’s actually kind of disturbing. Like it isn’t him, but what if he had a distant cousin with the same name? Let me look at this closer…
God I’m telling you it’s close. It weirdly sort of looks similar to him, but no match. What exactly did this UPS package thief do anyway?
GOOD STUFF! A real solid citizen! Nobody that steals from work ever gets caught stealing from work. You never hear that story!
But let me just double check one last thing. Just for the hell of it. When did this arrest take place?
So the article was written in February of 2018 and it mentioned something like 2 years in jail for this guy. So that can’t be our guy. Unless he’s gramming from behind bars. Let’s just take a look back at his posts and get his alibi so I can exonerate him on these charges.
Well shit. Now I’m concerned again. Why did this guy who seems to post a selfie once every day take 6 months off? Did he think his pierced nipples picture was so good that he wanted it pinned to the top of his profile for half a year? Gotta boost those likes I guess. But that seems too coincidental. It got me thinking…
Is there ANY remote chance that MAYBE this is our guy? Is that possible? Let’s look at a side-by-side.
Well that doesn’t do me any good. If I could only find a picture of this tool without the douche shades on his face.
Idk. I still don’t think it’s a match. Our guy looks 10 years younger than the UPS robber. Maybe I’m getting fooled by the snapchat filters. Let’s find something before this guy had access to snapchat.
Holy shit. I think THAT IS him. Look at that freckle above his eyebrow. How can that be possible? Our guy is basically a modern day Jesus Christ walking among us. You’re telling me he was stealing iPhones out of the back of UPS trucks a couple years ago? Everything I thought I knew is a lie. You can’t trust anyone!
In all seriousness – as soon as I saw that arrest headline I assumed it was the tool. It only makes sense. But I was very, very close to calling off the dogs once I saw that mugshot. I didn’t think it was the same person. I guess heroin will do that to a guy. I realize opioid addiction is no joke so I truly hope this guy is off that stuff now and I feel sorry that he was probably addicted. But tool is tool. And there’s no excuse for being a complete tool. Before I move on from the UPS incident I want to have one more quick little laugh…
I found that LinkedIn page after all! “Ups driver.” Just FYI kids – make sure to use capital letters when you’re dealing with any sort of professional or business sense. I thought that would go without say, but jesus christ I feel like I see this sort of shit all the time. Secondhand embarrassment is no joke.
So let this be a lesson learned. Just because you get caught stealing packages from your place of employment and do a little time in the clink doesn’t mean you should stop posting motivational quotes alongside cheesy selfies and lecturing your followers on “getting after it today! 
” and “be the change you want to be! 💯”
PS – try not to laugh at these…
