I think it’s probably safe to say that most everyone saw this video get shared by SportsCenter (and other various sports outlets) a few weeks ago:
These workouts really are something else 😳
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) July 29, 2020
(via devonlevesque/Instagram) pic.twitter.com/ARHgv1t5F0
When I saw that video, my first reaction was “WOW. Now that’s what I call a tool! I should feature him this week.”
But after thinking about it long and hard (probably 4 seconds), I decided that I’d only be giving that tool the attention he is so desperately craving by staging, recording, and posting that video. Given that the video has already went viral, I realize that a few more views and clicks aren’t going to make the slightest bit of difference. The damage is done. That tool has already got exactly what he wanted: people to look at him. Nonetheless, I decided not to contribute to the viral stupidity and I filed it to the backburner.
Flash forward to a few days ago when I went scrolling through my notes app and found some mysterious looking instagram link. I love when I find stuff like that buried in my notes app. I treat it like a brain dump. Specifically if I’m preoccupied or laying in bed with my eyes half closed and I want to remember something for later. Sometimes I’ll honestly be partially asleep and manage to reach over to my phone and type a jumbled assortment of letters into the app. 90% of the time I either can’t read what I wrote or it’s the stupidest thought in the world and I can’t fathom how I could have found it funny at the time I wrote it. Live look at me late night:
So lets get back to me clicking on that link in my notes app the other day. This is what I was greeted with:
WOW. WOW. WOW. Make sure you watch all of those videos. This guy is on some next level hardo shit where he’s actually blown right past the “hardo ahead” traffic sign and he’s speeding towards the “lose your grip on reality” cliff. He thinks all these obscure workouts are effective when realistically he’s spending more time with prep and staging than he is performing the actual workout. Plus I’m guessing some of these setups are NOT CHEAP.
Did any of you guys ever lift with “chains” in high school, or was that just my clueless strength coach’s idea? At the time I remember thinking how much of a gimmick it felt like. Completely unnecessary. In hindsight, I’m just glad nobody ever told my coaches about filling up 25 gallon drums with water and having us try and bench press them like this idiot. He’s not even benching he’s just trying to keep his arms locked in place. I guarantee any Kinesiology major you talk to would tell you that what he’s doing is a terrible idea.
Both of these guys are complete tools, BUT…If I’m comparing this old flabby dude to that young jacked guy, I am leaning towards gramps. Those water lifting videos were good enough that I am going to go ahead and appoint this dude TOTW 11. It looks like we’re digging into @cardilloweightbelts aka Steve Cardillo. Let’s do this.
So what we have here is a full blown adult (looks like 60+ years old) whose life revolves around selling belts and water workouts. And nothing quite says bullshit-artist quite like a good book reference. Whenever I see a guy like this put “author” in his bio I picture some nerdy guy in glasses sitting behind a keyboard furiously writing while this meathead paces around the room and says stuff like “make sure to mention when I won that high school wrestling tournament” and “did you bring up how much money I made in 2013?”
Look how asinine some of these videos are:
Pretty much every single video of this guys’ incites the same reaction from me. It makes me think of that time in Christmas Vacation where Clark is dicking around on a ladder hanging up lights and Elaine Benes and her husband discuss the possibility of Clark tragically falling and hurting himself:
The end of that video where the ladder gives out on Clark is the ironic truth behind all of the videos that this tool is posting. I know for a FACT that there is a deleted video out there somewhere where he slips and falls off his ice skates, or loses his footing on the dock and drills his shin, or swallows a mouthful of lakewater and bursts out coughing during his underwater squats. Yet without fail you know that some gymbro will be in the comments writing “This is fire 
“.
For this next part I want you to put on a dead straight face and try to watch the entirety of this video with volume on:
How good is that?
You almost need a second watchthru to appreciate how much toolage he managed to fit inside that video. This guy should be the gold standard for that joke that people make on twitter about “my wife left me.” I’ll give you my top 10 favorite parts of that masterpiece:
10. Color coordination efforts
I am straight up impressed at how well he plans out his outfits. From head to toe this guy will drown you in a Thursday Night Football COLORUSH if need be. Down in the dumps today? Here’s some blue. Want that money motivation? Try some green on for size.
9. The tool friend
His buddy makes such a brief appearance that it leaves the viewer with a lot to be desired. Who the hell is this guy and why is the only person worthy of a feature? Best friend? Casual gym buddy? Is he 19 or 50? Whoever he is, he is apparently important enough to have gotten the color coordination memo.
8. The University of Michigan Shorts
Nothing screams douchebag quite like a bigass gold “M” on some clothing. One time I was walking out of a barber shop and a guy draped in Michigan gear (not on a Saturday mind you) told me in the most nonchalant voice that “Michigan is going to kill you guys.” It wasn’t until I walked in my front door that I realized I was wearing a Penn State shirt. I think the Penn State vs. Michigan game was about 7 weeks out when he made that claim.
7. The breathing restriction mask
Is that Bane from Batman or is that a 65 year old washed up roid head? Easiest way to pick out a tool in the gym is to look around and see who’s wearing these things.
6. The music
Did he personally record that song in his garage or did he find one of those Spotify artists who has <1000 listens? Gotta love those edgy rock music instrumentals from 1960. Scranonicity baby!
5. The identical bandana in multiple colors
I am loving how there’s 17 different videos and each one features a new one of those biker bandanas on his head. He must have found like a Walmart variety 12-pack.
4. The batting gloves
Sneaky underrated part of this video, but this guy is rocking the Little League Franklin baseball batting gloves that we all had. Water workouts is all about that grip strength and bat speed. On second look – are those NFL receiver gloves? If this guy went to college then he was 1000% one of those frat bros playing catch out on his lawn with receiver gloves on.
3. Tree trunk plates
This is by far the DUMBEST part of the video. I am sitting here racking my brain and I can’t think of a single reason as to why building and installing these tree trunk weights would be advantageous over buying some standard 45 pound plates. This move screams “please look at me!”
2. The Caption
The caption is terrific. If you can’t appreciate this insight then you just don’t get it, bro. Good luck getting these 20″ pumped arms.
I highly recommend you try my H2O drop set. Put a hole in the bucket the size of a dime and see how an empty bucket feels after about 35 reps I have been train like this for over 35 years and I believe I achieved my goal of 20” pumped arms using this form of training.
1. The ‘I LOVE SEX’ T-Shirt
Speaks for itself. This guy has sex with women. And LOTS of ’em.
That’s it everybody. I hope you all #STRAPUP and have a terrific week! Please share your submissions for next week!