I came across this news story today:
Officials say a volunteer was bitten and seriously injured by a tiger at Carole Baskin’s Big Cat Rescue sanctuary near Tampa, Florida. https://t.co/GpGDLSOs2l
— The Associated Press (@AP) December 3, 2020
I hesitate to even share this story because I hate to contribute even 1 ounce of publicity towards the Tiger King guy (who I’m guessing sexually assaults the tigers because his parents didn’t love him). We should really consider adopting a fast-track death sentence in this country where you are guilty until proven innocent and instead of wasting millions of dollars in court we spend 50 cents on a quicker solution. But that’s beside the point…
I believe the gist of that story is some older woman who works at the exotic animal rescue shelter got her arm bitten off by trying to feed a tiger through a cage. Sounds like justice served to me. I hope everyone that works at that shelter gets their arms ripped off one-by-one until they close the shelter and put those animals back in the jungle where they are supposed to be. Sometimes I feel like I am the only person on earth who is using his brain. Does gathering up wild cats and sticking them in cages under the guise of a “shelter” make zero sense to anyone else?
Now if you are paying attention at home you’ll notice my title of this thing mentions “But That’s Not Important.” Because it’s not. All this dumbass story did was remind me of another, way more important, story that my brother-in-law sent me. Fuck the Tiger King lady – get a load of this guy!
Black leopard mauls Florida man who paid $150 to have "full contact experience" https://t.co/RaNMQZc0DH
— CBS News (@CBSNews) October 31, 2020
Holy shit is that the headline of 2020 or what? “Full contact experience,” “He went for the jugular,” and “paid $150” all within the same news story tweet!?
We gotta figure out what the hell is going on here. Let’s dig in to this story (and to the jugular).
I know the “Florida man” joke gets thrown around a lot, but seriously does it ever fail? There was 0.0% chance that any other state could come up with the sales pitch of “full contact experience with a leopard.” That is truly genius. Reminds me of those mid-season football practices back in the day when we’d throw on “full pads for full contact” as opposed to “uppers for thudding up.”
Other notable things going on in these first couple paragraphs of the story:
- The man is 50. Try to picture your father at the age of 50 signing up to do something like this. If you can actually picture it, I apologize that you were born into a family of idiots.
- “Backyard animal enclosure.” Wtf? What are we doing here, running a zoo out of Jimbob’s garage?
- A “full contact experience” is said to entail playing with it, rubbing it’s belly, and taking pictures. I can only assume this is the first and last guy to ever sign up for the full contact rate because if you are trying to rub a leopard’s stomach of course you are going to get your jugular ripped out.
- “Cited for maintaining captive wildlife in an unsafe condition.” Just FYI if you have a panther inside a box and you are pimping it out for $150 belly rubs then that should probably trigger some repercussions that land you jail time, not a slap on the wrist citation.
- The guy suing the owner makes me nervous. I want this attack to live up to the hype. But this makes me feel like the victim might be dramatizing the incident. I don’t want this to be a simple leopard bite. This guy paid for full contact let’s pray to god he got the full contact. My dog tore my thumb open a couple weeks ago and you don’t see me suing the breeder. I signed up for this shit and so did you buddy.
Ah yes, of course the owner is running an “animal sanctuary.” Just like the Tiger King Carol lady is. Hey I got an idea – how about we throw all you sanctuary assholes in prison for 5-10 years and see how you much you appreciate us rescuing you by keeping you in that cage?
“As soon as he entered the leopard’s enclosure” is the funniest shit I’ve ever read. Well as it turns out my wish has been granted as far as this guy receiving the proper level of attack. I’d say if your scalp is hanging from your head you got the full $150 dollars worth. Speaking of, do you guys think there was any discussion of a refund between the full contact guy and the owner or was it pretty much straight to “holy shit if we don’t take him to the hospital within the next 5 minutes he will die.”?
No shit man. These cats have probably been aiming at jugulars for 50,000 years now. Same reason all of my friends who hunt deer aim for it behind the shoulder. As fun as it would be for the animal to gnaw your hands and feet off it probably doesn’t want to waste all that time and energy.
(All of the sudden the thought of a hunter shooting all 4 legs of a deer is causing me a lot of disturbance)
So before I end this I feel it is important to point out how incredible it is that this guy had a black leopard in his possession and he was doing $150 meet-n-greets…
From what I can tell – this leopard is rarer than rare. There’s actually a news story from 2019 that details the journey of a photographer who traveled to Kenya and captured high-quality photos of this animal for the first time in history.
As it turns out he could have just swung by Bobby Boucher’s shack in Jacksonville or wherever the hell this was and got the same result.
Live look at the photographer’s face when he rolled into the home of the Mud Dogs and saw one of the most rare animals on the planet:
PS – can you imagine living somewhere where you are susceptible to being ran up on by a jaguar? Or even better yet a full blown lion? A goddam hippopotamus? For the life of me I’ll never be able to understand how there are people in the world who casually go about their lives knowing that they could be killed at any moment they step out of their house to get some fresh air.