The Ones That Got Away. With a vague title like that this blog could go in a number of different directions. And if you are into sports and recognized Mike Tirico as the featured photo it probably left you even more intrigued. But I’m not here to keep you in suspense. When I say “the ones” i’m talking about famous people and sports figures. And when I say “got away” I’m talking about how they did super creepy, horrific things and for whatever reason the decision makers in our society decided to give them a free pass or seven. These are events that took place in an era before cancel culture, before the Me Too movement, and before we decided to believe women. I’m guessing that you will recognize some of the names and alleged offenses on this list and think to yourself “oh yeah I forgot about that”. But I also suspect there will be a name/allegation or two that leaves you scratching your head wondering what the F you just read.
I’m not gonna be the guy to sit here and tell you how to feel or what to do with the information I am sharing. As the old saying goes “don’t shoot the messenger.” I don’t personally care whether you read this stuff and then decide to write to your local congressman or whether you buy a t-shirt with the alleged perpetrators face on it. But the fact is – if I’m watching the Lakers-Clippers in the third quarter and have to put that image of Marv Albert wearing womens panties into my brain – then I want you to have to suffer through it with me. *One piece of advice I will provide is that you should further research this material and make an informed opinion by yourself.* But I’m going to give you the juicy cliffnotes. Lets do this.
PERP #1 – Mike Tirico
I have to come out of the gates hot with Tirico because this is the gold standard for me. Mike Tirico is your textbook candidate for the creepy, pretty famous but not too famous, fly-under-the-radar sexual assault type guy. Like he was built in a lab or something. Seems like somebody’s uncle who tells stories at the Thanksgiving table and serves as the voice of reason. And not the political hot take kind of stories, but maybe like a well-thought-out, measured sports news take. The last guy on earth you’d suspect to be wrapped up in any wrongdoing. A 5-foot tall pudgy guy who’s voice was meant to be heard with the NBC Olympics theme music playing behind it. It puts my brain in a conundrum every time I watch a game with him on the mic. Personally, I am a big fan of him in the booth and I think he has some iconic calls.
In order to delve into Tirico’s incidents we have to head back to the early 90s during his first years at ESPN. Women colleagues from that time period have said that he never took “no” or “leave me alone” for an answer, and his behavior “got way out of line” according to a 2011 book titled “Those Guys Have All the Fun.” There’s one incident of him approaching a woman at a party and dropping the “you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen” line on her. It’s not clear why, but apparently this line didn’t work on this particular occasion (usually sure-fire 10/10). Later when she left the party he followed her to her car and reached through the driver window to forcibly put his hand between her legs.
There’s a second instance detailed by another book called “ESPN: The Uncensored History” from 2000. This one takes place at a bar during the NCAA hoops tourney where Mike went up to another coworker and went with the more direct approach saying “I wish I was single. If I were, I’d throw you on the table right here and fuck your brains out. I know you want to screw me…so let’s leave.” Again, for whatever reason his pickup line didn’t work and he proceeded to dog her all night until she left the party. Following girls to their cars must be his move because history repeated itself here and this time he actually took it one step further by getting into his car and following her to make sure she got home safely. What a gentleman! While driving down the interstate “Tirico was waving his hand in a motion that she interpreted to mean he wanted her to pull over. Instead, she continued driving, increasing her speed significantly. Tirico increased his speed as well, staying alongside her.” The book discusses a handful of other women alleging similar events about Tirico. Apparently he wasn’t afraid to go with the internal office email letting his co-workers know that despite his marital status, he would enjoy sleeping with them. That was probably standard Monday Morning staff meeting type of stuff for Mike. As far as a punishment, best I can tell he was suspended from ESPN for 3 months and asked to seek counseling. My guess is he probably spent those three months googling pick up lines looking for a happy medium between “you are so beautiful” and “i want to fuck your brains out.”
PERP #2 – Marv Albert
Buckle up ladies and gents, Marv Albert is about to make Tirico look like a choir boy. When I was like 10 years old I remember my dad making some strange comment about a male broadcaster getting caught wearing womens underwear. I went the next 10 years wondering why he would make up such a thing. I later discovered Marv Alberts legal history and I was finally able to fill that decade long void of “what the hell was my dad talking about?” YESSS!!
Marv’s incident(s) take place back in the mid 90s, which for context makes him about 55 years old. Please keep in mind that we are talking about a 55 year old man in the following details. I can’t decide if that makes this more or less weird. According to a newspaper article I found from Marv’s wikipedia page, a woman filed a sexual assault lawsuit against him for an incident that occurred at a DC hotel in 1997. The victim claimed that he had forcibly thrown her onto a bed, bitten her, and forced her to perform oral sex. During the trial, a second woman was called to the stand where she corroborated the biting details stating that Marv had used that move on her on two different occasions. She also added a BOMB.
In 1994 in Dallas, Marv called this woman up to his hotel room looking for some assistance with a fax machine. Straightforward enough. Basically your modern day version of helping your dad with his smartphone. When she got to the room she found Marv wearing women’s underwear and a garter belt (if you don’t have to google this to know what it is then you are a sicko). At this point he asked her if he could do some biting and also if she had any male partners on speed dial to join in on the festivities. I’d like to point out that the testimony does not say whether the fax got sent out or not. Kind of left us hanging there.
As more and more strange details began to emerge at the trial, Marv was forced to steer into the madness. He gave an ABC 20/20 Tonight interview with Barbara Walters where he actually defended how UNORDINARY his sex life was. He mentioned experimental hookups with transvestites as his evidence. Barb asked him if he needed therapy to which he said the kinkiness reported on him “had really been overrated.” Other miscellaneous nuggets – Marv said his relationship with the victim was purely sexual and went on for a brief 10 years. Also Marv and his fiance at the time fought through the adversity and are happily married today. Ultimately Marv paid the hefty price of being fired by NBC and then rehired by NBC less than two years later. Thoughts and prayers.
I have A LOT of questions so I’ll just list off my top 5.
- Was there at least a fax machine in the room?
- Who purchased the garter belt and where do you get something like that? Please don’t tell me it’s Marv walking into a Spencers gifts mall store.
- Does the assortment of shit that Marv travels with pass through TSA security worry-free?
- What was dinner with the fiance like after Marv got hit with a full day of haymakers in the courtroom? I don’t think they teach that stuff in marriage counseling.
- Am I the only person that knows for a fact he’s still doing this stuff regularly? Grown men who bite women, wear panties, and sleep with transvestites don’t just turn off that part of their brain when their next birthday rolls around. “No hookers for me tonight I think I’ll do popcorn and a movie.”
PERP #3 – Jerry Seinfeld
I’ll make this one short and sweet. First of all, I feel like everyone is aware of this by now. And secondly, I’m not able to dig up too many details on this. There’s a disturbing amount of information on this and by disturbing I mean why on earth is there not a surplus of information from every major news source on this creepiness. When Jerry Seinfeld was 38 years old he had 17 year old girlfriend. When Jerry Seinfeld was 38 years old he had 17 year old girlfriend. Am I taking crazy pills? If one of your buddies in college had a girlfriend who was still in high school you pretty much knew it was doomed. Something about going to a high school prom as a guy in college feels a little strange. Now imagine if your buddy was a college graduate dating a high school girl. Leaves work a little bit early to scoop up his girlfriend after soccer practice. Now imagine if your buddy was 40 and had a high school girlfriend. Well you probably can’t imagine that because you wouldn’t be buddies with a guy in prison.
“How’d you guys meet?” Every couple has been asked that question one time or another. Let’s hope and pray this isn’t your answer: “I was a 40 year old guy rolling through a public park. Ran into a high school girl and did some chatting. She gave me her number that day. Well not technically her number but her mom and dads home phone number.”
FWIW the relationship went on for 4 years. Seinfeld was even rumored to have proposed, but apparently it wasn’t met to be. Something to do with a bedtime argument. It appears that Jerry faced zero legal repercussions for the relationship. Apparently half your age minus 2 is a green light in New York? I bet things must have been really nice towards the end for Jerry. Standing outside a bar at 11:55pm waiting for the bouncer to let him and newly 21 year-old step in. Think about all those dinner dates where he wanted to order a beer, but didn’t want to have the server come over and separate the tables.
PERP #4 – Karl Malone
Karl Malone just read the Jerry Seinfield part ^ and he’s scratching his head. What’s all this fuss about a 17-year old?
If Karl Malone isn’t on your “holy shit this guy is a piece of garbage radar” he’s about to be. Malone has fathered 7 children, but he had trouble keeping track of them all during his basketball career. Malone must have got confused and thought that he only needed to worry about the 4 children he had with his wife. The first 3 kids were nothing more than a monthly bill that he attempted to dispute. Kind of similar to you screaming at the service rep on the verizon toll number, except in this version Verizon takes you to court and finds you negligent on payments. Right now you might be thinking – “So what? He’s not the first dad to abandon kids and skimp on child support.” While that may be true he is definitely in rarified air by skimping on child support payments to a 13 year-old mom. That’s correct. Karl Malone fathered a child with a 13 year old girl from his hometown when he was a sophomore at Louisiana Tech University. Just FYI that would put her somewhere in the middle school range. I wonder how they even met. Probably your classic case of the ‘home for thanksgiving night out at the local tavern.’
At the beginning of his NBA career Malone got hit with a couple paternity lawsuits, one being the 13 year-old and the second lawsuit being another woman with whom he had fathered twins when he was 17. So as it turns out, the twins were Malone’s first two children. Thankfully the other woman was also 17 at the time. So it wasn’t until 4 years later that he had his third child with someone 4 years younger than he would have been during the first mothers pregnancy. To this day Malone was never reprimanded for the highly illegal incident, but he was found responsible for child support. He later developed relationships with his first 3 kids, 2 of which went on to become professional athletes. Life happily ever after!
PERP #5 – Jim Brown
Might as well wrap this blog up with a quick Jim Brown bulleted list. It should be noted that some of these charges were probably dropped and/or found false, but I’m not going to sit here and try to decipher through all that bullshit. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
- 1965: 18 Y.O. woman accuses him of feeding her booze and forcing her to have sex
- 1968: Brown throws a 22 Y.O. woman off a balcony
- 1969: Accused of assaulting a guy at a traffic incident
- 1971: Accused of battering two women
- 1978: Fined and jailed for beating up a guy during an argument about the placement of a golf ball (foot wedge?)
- 1985: Charged with rape, sexual assault, and battery of a 33 Y.O. woman
- 1986: Accused of beating up 21 Y.O. girlfriend after he suspected she was “flirting”
- 1999: Convicted for smashing 25 Y.O. wife’s car windshield and accused of making terroristic threats toward her