Greetings from Assateague Island, Garbageheads. I’m bored sitting at the beach and I am choosing to blog. Yes I have a full-blown laptop out on the beach and yes it’s begging to be ruined. The idea seemed fine in theory when I thought of it about 100 miles inland. But once I had my toes in the water and ass in the sand (and could feel the relentless wind and sea spray) I realized how dumb of an idea this was. Whatever. You can buy a new laptop, but you can’t buy this blog. I don’t know when this will get published given my lack of cell service, but please know that I am in fact risking the life of my laptop to write this (photo evidence below).
Look at that A+ setup. What the hell do you guys do at the beach? Better yet – what do you do at the beach when there’s no service. I guess it’s called Spotify for a reason because that shit is spotty today. I barely have the bars to keep the playlist going and here I was thinking I was going to stream Sunday of the PGA Championship weekend. Yikes.
But just because I can’t get the golf leaderboard pulled up on my phone doesn’t mean the gambling itch goes away. It doesn’t work like that. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I got so impatient that I took a shovel and piled up a mound of sand at the tide line. Sat there taking guesses in my own head when Mother Nature would take it out. “I got a half beer chug on first water contact UNDER quarter-to-noon.” “Height of the mound OVER 11.5 inches at 1:30.”
I probably shoulda pulled up a tide chart beforehand. At first I thought I may have built the thing during slack low tide. Even the largest waves didn’t ever seem to pose a risk to it. As more time passed, I realized I had simply built my entertainment mound up at the Hurricane Sandy tide line. It never showed one sign of being at risk. I just sat here all day waiting for something to happen. Spoiler alert – nothing happened.
Editors note: Flash forward to the following day.
Thankfully I got another crack at this methodology today. I went to work bright and early with the shovel. Check out this beast and note the HEAVY action it’s taking on.
Look at that tank fend off those weenie waves. It’s basically the equivalent of Mount Rushmore, but instead of sitting in the middle of nowhere in one of those Dakota states it’s posted up on the edge of the goddam continent. I have to say things were going VERY well for the first hour or so for me. Was starting to feel some of that gambling rush watching this thing get demolished. And this time I had correctly timed the installation to coincide with a steady incoming flood tide. It wasn’t until a vehicle pulled up next to us and two kids poured out that things started to go sideways.
Freaking buttcheeses. Grade-A buttcheeses. I didn’t want to spoil any of their fun, but I’d be lying if I didn’t run a hypothetical scenario through my head where I tell their parents that I need that mound undisturbed for some of my academic research. But in the end I let the little fellas have their fun.
Pretty sure I woulda nailed the under on the timeframe of destroyal, but the bet was cancelled on account of these two guys punching holes in the mound. Literally. They were just punching the mound of sand and trying to tunnel their arms through it.
Editors note: Flash forward to the following day.
My grand finale of failures took place the next day when I audibled from the ‘mound building’ approach to the ‘hole digging’ approach.
This time Mother Nature was bound and determined to destroy my work before I could even finish it. Every time I had it 3-4 feet deep she’d be sure to send a screaming wave up the beach to dump a bunch of wet heavy sand inside. It was happening so often that I thought it would be cool to film a time lapse of the waves filling it back up. The result is a time lapse of a hole that does absolutely nothing except exist as a hole for an hour or so. Nice job on the tides by me again!
Great stuff. We’ll get em next time. Despite my lack of success, I have to say these activities played a big role in passing the time and filling that sports gambling void. Life is a beach, I’m just playin in the sand.
PS – how about these idiots over at fanduel literally giving me free money to try and bait me into placing bets.
How’s that old phrase go? “Don’t tempt me with a good time?” Do you guys seriously think I just gave up sports gambling voluntarily?? As if one day I woke up and said “nah I’m tired of losing money on the Trailblazers.” I’m clearly out of state and can’t use your app you morons. Throw another ten-spot at me and maybe I’ll get serious about making a run across the PA/MD border. Otherwise I’ll see you over the holidays, Fanduel.