Welcome back. Are you tired of making money yet? Of course you’re not. Look, this is what me and my finance douche buddies like to call a ‘bull market.’ Everyone is winning right now. The S&P is basically back to pre-COVID levels. And it’s potentially propped up by a bunch of fake shit while some guy named Powell prints off money like it’s going out of style. Hammering CTRL+P harder than you CTRL+C and CTRL+V’d your way through a college essay. I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TALK TO ME, MY CASH MACHINE!
The point is – if you are over the age of 60 then you shouldn’t be reading this. You’re welcome to read anything else on this site (I just wrote about how German beers taste like piss go check it out), but I don’t want to feel responsible for when this shit comes crashing down and you take a 40% hit. Because that’s going to happen. I’m not an economist but I’ve heard a lot of people who pretend to be telling me this on TV for the last few years.
Just remember that these are LONG-TERM plays I’m giving you. If I throw you a pump-and-dump I’ll at least have the decency to warn you that’s what it is. So if at any point things look like they are trending downwards, trust the process, keep the faith, and big truss.
WINNER: MSFT
Let me start by apologizing for not handing this gem out first. I could write an entire blog on Microsoft in itself. I lose sleep at night knowing that I have family and friends who are not invested into $MSFT with an irresponsible percentage of their net worth. Though I’m not sure it can be considered “irresponsible” if there’s virtually no risk. I’ve joked about “free money” on one or two occasions after winning a sports bet, but THIS IS LITERALLY FREE MONEY. I’d love to hand out a SSC green light for $NVDA or $AMD but those don’t come with the safety net of this beauty.
When the market started tanking around peak corona I was busy looking under my couch cushions for anything I could get my hands on to buy more $MSFT. This was the first time in history that the words ‘Microsoft’ and ‘virus’ in the same sentence put a smile on my face. What on earth does people dying from COVID have to do with the fact that every real company in the world is currently utilizing Microsoft Outlook? Would it be a good or bad thing to provide video conferencing software that can’t get hacked by a 17 year-old who treats it like an Omegle chatroom? Would it be a good or bad thing to have the largest cash stockpile in all of the US during a nationwide supply-chain crisis?
Even a global pandemic couldn’t slow this beast down. Aside from someone digging up an old Bill Gates racist quote or some pedophile vibes caught on tape, I don’t see how this stock isn’t worth 10x it’s value in 20 years. Besides, it’s kind of hard to fire someone that already “stepped down.” So go to town Billy Boy. Hang out with the illuminati, microchip everyone in sight, and patent a vaccine for zombification.
LOSER: SNAP
Don’t look now, but Snap Inc is flirting with it’s IPO price. Follow that graph starting from the left and you’ll see a direct correlation between the share price and the popularity of Snapchat up until December 2018. Not sure what the hell happened over the holidays, but apparently a bunch of dumb people decided that Snapchat was worth more than $5 again. This is a dumpster fire of a stock and I don’t need to read any earnings reports to feel confident telling you that.
When Snapchat came out it was popular for one reason – it had a brilliant concept. Send an image of the most horrific, regrettable shit you can think of and it will only be visible to the recipient for a few seconds.
“But hold on.... I thought snapchats went away?” 😭😂😂 pic.twitter.com/M2b4XHPCks
— happy heaney day (@BRlFFGRAFF) June 20, 2020
Well apparently you can’t put a patent on that concept because within a year Instagram had already developed a better version of it. Personally, I do this weird thing roughly every two weeks where I repeat the following sequence:
- *Something reminds me of snapchat* Damn I forgot about Snapchat. I must have deleted it. Oh shit, there it is all the way at the end of my apps.
- *Open up snapchat, tap on some pics to get rid of a few notifications.*
- *Click the discover button. Watch a few stories, get bored quickly*
- *Look down at the bottom of the screen* Holy shit look at all that cancer!
That’s it for today boys and girls. Thanks for tuning in. I’m looking forward to attending a shitload of retirement parties when you all hit it big with me.
Snake’s Stock Corner Disclaimer: I don’t have a GD clue what I’m talking about and if you are considering using any of the above information in your real-life investment strategies then you should seek help at 1-800-GAMBLER.