Snaker's Dozen: CFB Week 9 - That's Garbage Media

In the famous words of Grandpa Trav – “I’m back. And I never left.”

But seriously have I completely killed all of the traffic to this website? Did you guys even notice I wasn’t posting anything? I have to admit I got tied up with some personal stuff, but I promise it won’t happen again (except it probably will because my personal stuff was last-minute cramming for an exam that I most likely failed and will have to re-take).

The only blogs I continued to run in my leave of absence were the trav six-pack, I mean, six-RACK specials. And I’ll be the first to admit, Travey giving out his picks on a weekly basis brings a smile to my face. They are great blogs. They get everybody’s jollies goin. They make for some terrific Saturday morning reading material with a cup o’ joe in hand.

BUUUUUTTTTTT. Do they really get your gambling juices flowing? What’s his record nowadays, like 20-20-2? As a guy who lives in a state that hasn’t figured out the legalization of sports gambling I am forced to dick around with offshore books and bitcoins and CAPTCHAs and passwords, etc. For a lack of better words – it’s a huge pain in the ass. I’m not going to sit around every week crunching numbers and logging bets just to break even. I have a sickness. I need to WIN. And if I’m not winning, I need to lose. Break my bank, Vegas….I don’t care. I’m doing this stuff to catch a buzz and move the needle. I’m not doing this to try and earn an extra 30 dollars a month “side hustling.”

If you’re getting the same rush from trading stocks on Robinhood that you got from betting on sports, then it sounds like you might have two problems.
— Douglas A. Boneparth (@dougboneparth) October 24, 2020

Chalk me down as a guy that “might have two problems.”

So now lets get into a little bit of introductory info for the weekly installment of the Snaker’s Dozen.

The Name: Why is it called Snaker’s Dozen? Because it’s 2am Saturday morning and that’s the most creative thing I just thought of that plays off the concept of Trav giving out a “6-rack” of picks. That and the fact that I am late to the party and need to make up some serious ground with a bakers dozen of picks. That’s right…I’ll be giving out AT LEAST 13 plays a week.
CFB only. I’m not here to dick around with NFL picks. If you consider yourself an “NFL fan” there’s a 60% chance you are an obese, bald, 50+ year old gentleman that hates his wife and kids and spends all Sunday in his garage drinking Busch Lite. If you consider yourself a “CFB fan,” then chances are you must be a good timin’ fella that likes to kick back and rip refreshing pops all Saturday while hanging out with your friends and family. The Snaker’s Dozen Squad is only concerned with the greatest sport on earth…college football.
I’m not too concerned with my W-L record. I may keep track of it. But if I’m going to pretend to know what I’m talking about on a weekly basis, then I’m going to go full-on degenerate and discuss my picks in units. I already feel like a d-bag just typing out the word “units.” But whatever. That’s what we’re doing.
This is high-risk, high-reward stakes. If the Snaker’s Dozen was a stock, it would be Tesla. We aren’t here to play fiddlesticks and paddycakes. Contrary to the claim of every scam artist “sharp” out there, I’m not trying to create passive income revenue streams. My goal is to significantly impact your financial well-being and I’m sure as shit not going to guarantee you that my unit differential at the end of the year will be green. And I’ll tell you right now that if we get to the end and I’m down 40 units heading into the championship game there is a VERY good chance that I make one last double-or-nothing 40 unit play (my heart rate just ticked up 10 bpm thinking about that extremely realistic scenario I may get myself into).

Now let’s rip this band-aid off and get into the picks. Let’s win (or lose) some GD UNITS!!!

Oh but one last thing – let me check in on Travey and the $ix-rack crew’s reaction when they saw this blog…

via GIPHY

CFB WEEK 9 WINNERS

LSU -2 @ Auburn // RISK 2.2 TO WIN 2

LSU is finding their groove while Auburn continues to dick around and win sloppily (and sort of undeservedly). Also LSU is starting the Cam-Newton-sized guy and Auburn is starting Bo Nix.

MSU @ Michigan OVER 51 // RISK 2.2 TO WIN 2

I’ve got a few examples throughout this Saturday where the team that’s favored can get to the point total on their own without any help from their mediocre opponent’s offense. This here is Exhibit A. If Michigan’s O looks half as good as it did last week then they’ll get to 50 by themselves.

Indiana @ Rutgers +13 // RISK 2.2 TO WIN 2

I gotta say I’m a bit surprised to see Indiana (coming off a devastating loss) favored by 13 to Rutgers (coming off a great program win). Indiana’s offense and quarterback are absolute trash. Rutgers is ALWAYS a tough out. You can bet your bottom dollar Trav will be drunk in Denver screaming “Bring on Rutgers” at some point on Saturday. I think they are “brought on” here and cover the points.

Boston College @ Clemson OVER 58 // RISK 2.2 TO WIN 2

I can’t emphasize how little it matters that Trevor Lawrence isn’t playing in this game. This young kid who’s name can’t be pronounced, let alone typed out, will look like a Heisman trophy winner by the 3rd quarter. This is Exhibit B of “the good team can handle the total by themselves.”

Ohio State @ Penn State +12 // RISK 2.2 TO WIN 2

Not much explanation needed here. Penn State escaped last week with a sloppy win, but they clean things up this week and play Ohio State tight, per usual.

Ohio State @ Penn State MONEYLINE // RISK 2 TO WIN 6.7

F it. Why not? Penn State improves to 2-0 and takes a share of the Big Ten East lead.

UCF @ Houston UNDER 83 // RISK 1.15 TO WIN 1

This is a principle play, boys and girls. If Vegas wants to put a stupid number up there such as an 83, then we take the under. Even if this bet loses by 50 points it’s still the correct play. That’s a stupid number. And you’re getting free value with all of the mouth-breathing morons who blindly bet overs because the Barstool guys told them that it’s the cool thing to do.

Navy @ SMU UNDER 59.5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1

Service academy team and a total nearing 60? Talk about a match made in hell. Also SMU stinks. I took them to cover on opening week and holy shit what a snoozefest. If the SMU offense decides not to show up here then I think we are flirting with the “never a doubt” territory.

Georgia @ Kentucky OVER 42.5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1

Exhibit C. Also – GO DAWGS.

Notre Dame @ Georgia Tech OVER 57 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1

Exhibit D. And bonus – Georgia Tech’s offense has proved it can score outside of its Clemson ass-beating. Notre Dame has the Jekyll and Hide thing going with point totals, but I’m assuming we get back-to-back Jekyll’s here. Ian Book and the boys must be firing on all cylinders because I’ve listened to people tell me how great Pitts defense is for the last 6 months now. And I can’t help but notice they just got 45 hung on them by ND.

Northwestern @ Iowa UNDER 45.5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1

“Can’t miss em both” play combined with Purdue @ Illinois under. So nice to have the B1G back.

Purdue @ Illinois UNDER 59 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1

“Can’t miss em both” play combined with Northwestern @ Iowa under. This game screams ‘first half groggies’ for the 11AM kick.

Texas +3.5 @ Oklahoma St // RISK 1.05 TO WIN 1

It would be reckless to assume the Big 12 doesn’t get reckless here. Only like 7 more weeks to cannibalize each other. No time to waste!

Texas MONEYLINE @ Oklahoma St // RISK 1 TO WIN 1.5

It didn’t dawn on me until I was typing up the above words how much of a ‘take-the-bait’ line that is by Vegas. Instead of staying away from it like I should, I am doubling down with a Texas moneyline!

Memphis @ Cincinnati OVER 55.5 // RISK 1.05 TO WIN 1

It’s quite apparent that I am missing a critical piece of information on this game because I expected the total associated with these two teams to be in the 70s. I take it Cincinnati (and possibly Memphis) has a great defense this year? Not buying it. I’m expecting a 4th quarter shootout effort from Brady White. He’ll throw a touchdown for every year that he has been the starting quarterback at Memphis. I think that alone might take care of the total.

That’s all folks. I’d ask you to bet responsibly but then I’d be wasting my time by handing out irresponsible picks. So have fun and soak up every moment of this cfb season before Dan Wolken and the boys try to steal this from us AGAIN.

Also, run over to this week’s Trav Six-Rack for what he says will be a 6-0 week…