No actually, what in the hell is going on? Somebody point me to an example of someone going 3-17 or worse on a Saturday full of football. YOU CAN’T. There is no shot that anybody else on earth has ever done that. Downright impressive by me.
I can not imagine how big you’d be up if you were fading every single one of my picks. Just FYI I’m getting worse every week. So feel free to start fading me.
Now let’s get to the recap. Time’s a wasting and I have more losers to hand out!
LAST WEEK’S THOUGHTS:
- New Mexico -6.5 @ Utah State // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1 // LOSS
- UMass @ Liberty OVER 56.5 // RISK 2.2 TO WIN 2 // LOSS
- Notre Dame @ UNC +5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1 // LOSS
- Central Florida @ South Florida MONEYLINE // RISK 0.5 TO WIN 5.25 // LOSS
- Stanford @ CAL MONEYLINE // RISK 1.2 TO WIN 1 // LOSS
- Kentucky @ Florida OVER 61 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1 // LOSS
- Maryland @ Indiana OVER 62.5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1 // LOSS
- NC State -14.5 @ Syracuse // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1 // LOSS
Ohio State -28 @ Illinois // RISK 2.2 TO WIN 2// CANCELLED- Bowling Green @ Ohio OVER 54.5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1 // WIN
- Auburn @ Alabama -25 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1 // WIN
- Auburn @ Alabama OVER 62.5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1 // LOSS
- Mississippi State @ Mississippi -9.5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1// LOSS
- Memphis @ Navy UNDER 63 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1 // WIN
Virginia -9 @ Florida State // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1// CANCELLED- Nevada @ Hawaii OVER 60.5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1 // LOSS
- PARLAY #1 // RISK 1 TO WIN 5.3 // LOSS
- Iowa State @ Texas MONEYLINE L
- Central Michigan MONEYLINE @ Eastern Michigan W
- Wyoming MONEYLINE @ UNLV W
- Stanford @ Cal MONEYLINE L
- Oregon MONEYLINE @ Oregon State L
- PARLAY #2 // RISK 0.5 TO WIN 5.7 // LOSS
- Notre Dame @ UNC MONEYLINE L
- Oregon @ Oregon State MONEYLINE W
- PARLAY #3 // RISK 0.2 TO WIN 55.2 // LOSS
- Maryland MONEYLINE @ Indiana L
Colorado MONEYLINE @ USC- LSU MONEYLINE @ Texas A&M L
- Nevada @ Hawaii MONEYLINE L
- PARLAY #4 // RISK 1.5 TO WIN 7.9 // LOSS
- NC State MONEYLINE @ Syracuse W
- Penn State @ Michigan MONEYLINE L
UTEP @ Rice MONEYLINE- Coastal Carolina MONEYLINE @ Texas State W
- Northwestern MONEYLINE @ Michigan State L
- Miss St @ Ole Miss MONEYLINE W
- Texas Tech @ Oklahoma State MONEYLINE W
- Oregon MONEYLINE @ Oregon State L
- PARLAY #5 // RISK 3.35 TO WIN 20 // LOSS
- Stanford @ Cal +1.5 W
- LSU +15 @ Texas A&M W
- Miss St @ Ole Miss -9.5 L
- PARLAY #6 // RISK 1 TO WIN 48.6 // LOSS
- UMass @ Liberty OVER 56.5 L
- Nebraska @ Iowa UNDER 53.5 W
- Notre Dame @ UNC UNDER 68 W
- Oregon @ Oregon State UNDER 64 L
- Coastal Carolina @ Texas State UNDER 58 L
- Auburn @ Alabama OVER 62.5 L
- NET LOSS: -17.25 UNITS
3-10 in straight up picks and 0-7 in moneylines/parlays. YIKES. And don’t sleep on that 0-8 start to kick the weekend off.
I mean what else is there to say? I just lost nearly my entire season total’s worth of losses in one weekend and I’ve lost every single week this year. All of those things speak for themselves.
Let’s just treat this week like one of those blackout nights at the bar where you wake up the next morning and see your phone and wallet next to your bed so you just assume ‘all is well.’ No need to comb through all those bar tab receipts in your pockets (or in this case parlay losses). Let’s just pretend they never happened and move on.
I’m pretty sure the only thing I was correct about was when I said that I was ‘team Dabo’ and I believe that Mike Norvell and Florida State were scared to play Clemson. This has become comical. I love how this week they cancelled the game several days in advance instead of waiting until the moment before kickoff. I wonder if the thought of getting their doors blown off by Clemson, Virginia, and Duke has anything to do with the medical staff’s decision to cancel games. Just so happens to be convenient for the FSU program outlook and recruiting!
I will say on Friday night there came a moment where I was pretty close to emptying out every dollar I have in every sportsbook account and banning myself from betting ever again. Allow me to explain…
Truth be told I wasn’t too worried about the Snaker’s Dozen last week because I had bigger fish to fry. Being that I was in Pennsylvania for a few days (yes I deserve to go to hell for traveling during Thanksgiving) I decided to jump in on the newly established Barstool Sportsbook and take advantage of their “risk-free” $500 play.
After procrastinating my decision making for the entire week I decided to place a 3-leg parlay bet on Friday morning that featured 3 Friday game lines I assumed were impossible to lose:
Who woulda thought. I never broke a sweat during the ND-UNC game. I held onto my nuts the entire Stanford-Cal game. But in both of those afternoon games I came out of the other end alive and well.
I was practically popping champagne bottles as Oregon @ Oregon State was kicking off in the late game. A -625 ML bet to make $660…it doesn’t get much easier than that.
What a roller coaster of emotions those next 3 hours were. I had it. I fucking had it. And Oregon and Mario Cristobal swooped in and said “wow this Oregon State team led by Tristan Gebbia is really good!”
There’s nothing more satisfying than knowing you are about to take Dave Portnoy for $660 and immediately withdraw it from his sportsbook. And there’s nothing more painful than realizing you have been hit with a mack truck and all of the sudden you are donating $100 to Dave Portnoy as you frantically make stupid plays on Saturday to “play through” your “risk-free” bet.
But let’s not dwell. Let’s just focus on winning it all back.
CFB WEEK 13 WINNERS
Thanks for playing, Matthew Driscoll. Now go sit your ass on the bench.
Welcome to the new era. An era where we actually win. Fire up the troops, Coach Cantafio!
I don’t know about Danny, but I have pride dripping out of my eyeballs right now.
THIS IS WHAT WE SACRIFICE OUR LIVES FOR (parlays and moneylines!)
ANNNNDDDD a quick checkin on the rules of sports gambling just to make sure they are still holding true:
The Rules of Sports Gambling by Snaker’s Dozen:
Rule #1 – You are due.
Rule #2 – See Rule #1.
UL Lafayette @ App State UNDER 53 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1
Travman told me to play this and it’s an obscure enough game that I assume he knows what he’s talking about. Plus my gut tells me that whenever App State plays against anyone decent they like to win by grinding out a boring game Georgia Bulldogs style.
Boise State @ UNLV OVER 60.5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1
This bet comes down to whether UNLV can score 14 points. I promise you that Boise State can get 7 touchdowns. Kicking the shit out of teams that are so bad that you aren’t even sure if they are good enough to be in the Mountain West; Boise State lives for that shit. I think Kellen Moore might even throw on the pads for this one and try to run up the score late.
Memphis +1.5 @ Tulane // RISK 2.2 TO WIN 2
Oh so the oddsmakers still think Tulane is good? They aren’t. Take it from me. I know what I’m talking about. I’m hitting 25% of my bets this year.
Nebraska @ Purdue (-130 ML) // RISK 1.3 TO WIN 1
What am I missing? I’ll take a free unit. Thanks in advance, Bovada.
Oklahoma State -6 @ TCU // RISK 1 TO WIN 1.6
The -2.5 line seemed so easy it was boring. Boring in the same way that Jim Boeheim recovered from COVID so quickly (that’s not my joke so you can’t get mad at me).
Penn State @ Rutgers OVER 54.5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1
Easy money. I don’t pretend to know how Penn State is going to come out and play on any given Saturday, but I’m going to pretend I understand that they will score some points in this one. And I guarantee you Rutgers is going to be there to answer the call. BRING ON RUTGERS!
Liberty +7 @ Coastal Carolina // RISK 2.2 TO WIN 2
Woah woah woah, what’s going on here? Is the entire country giving up on Liberty and buying the Coastal Carolina hype? “Not so fast my friend.” -Lee Corso
Liberty (+220 ML) @ Coastal Carolina // RISK 1 TO WIN 2.2
Goddam I love Hugh Freeze. The guy is one burner phone away from holding up the national championship trophy at Ole Miss. And he’s one minor case of Covid away from dying.
Boston College (+195 ML) @ Virginia // RISK 1 TO WIN 1.95
Classic case of “I’m clearly missing something here.” That looks way too valuable not to take BC ML.
West Virginia @ Iowa State UNDER 49 // RISK 1.05 TO WIN 1
This game will not feature 7 touchdowns. I promise you it won’t. If it does, I will retire Snaker’s Dozen.
Oregon @ Cal +10 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1
Fuck you Oregon and fuck you Mario Cristobal.
(I still like you, TOTW 16, Aaron Feld)
Clemson -13 (1H) @ Virginia Tech // RISK 1 TO WIN 1
I think I’ve played a first half line maybe twice in my life before right now. I think Dabo and the boys will come out firing early and often in this one.
Vanderbilt @ Georgia -40 // RISK 1 TO WIN 1.4
I’m choosing to move this line to 40 because if Vanderbilt can’t score on Missouri then how in the living hell are they going to score on Georgia? And Likewise with Vandy’s defense. They just gave up 41 to Missouri. Have fun with a recharged Georgia offense where JT Daniels will be looking to get some practice reps in.
The good news is that we know Georgia will get to start with a short field whenever Vanderbilt kicks off.
What an inspiration 🙌
— ESPN (@espn) November 28, 2020
Sarah Fuller becomes the first woman to play in a Power 5 college football game.
(via @SECNetwork) pic.twitter.com/2hGXmcvBeK
So was that a pooch kick or what?
— Danny Kanell (@dannykanell) November 28, 2020
Alabama @ LSU OVER 68 // RISK 2.3 TO WIN 2
I already placed this bet once and it got cancelled. Now I’m getting it at a slight discount. See below from Week 11.
Miami @ Duke OVER 60.5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 1
Yeah, I don’t get this one. Either team could score 60 points on their own. Another free unit…
PARLAY #1 // RISK 1.6 TO WIN 1.9
Louisiana Tech (-130 ML) @ North Texas
Air Force (-420 ML) @ Utah State
The chances that Air Force loses to Utah State are less than 0%. So I’m basically using them as an odds boost on LA Tech. And I have no idea if LA Tech is good but I’ve just been riding off my moneyline pick of them in a meaningless bowl game against Miami last year.
PARLAY #2 // RISK 1 TO WIN 2.65
Nebraska @ Purdue -2
Nebraska @ Purdue UNDER 61.5
This might be the most boring game in the history of irrelevant Big Ten West teams, but you bet your ass that me and my wallet will be tuned into this thing (and probably Beth Mowins).
PARLAY #3 // RISK 3 TO WIN 2.4
Texas A&M (-250 ML) @ Auburn
Texas (-360 ML) @ Kansas State
I have no clue if these two Texas roadies will cover but I am absolutely positive that they will both win their games. Auburn sucks and Texas isn’t losing again (even though I know for a fact that Tom Herman is getting shitcanned this offseason).
Remember when you were with an a Asian massuese? Because I dooooooooo.... @CoachTomHerman - you’re the biggest snitch alive... and also the biggest hypocrite alive. Anyone wanna know all that I know about Tommy Boy? Contact me. Lmao pic.twitter.com/L9x4bJ19ii
— Zach Smith (@CoachZachSmith) November 11, 2018
PARLAY #4 // RISK 2 TO WIN 2
Air Force (-420 ML) @ Utah State
Texas (-360 ML) @ Kansas State
Florida (-800 ML) @ Tennessee
Clemson (-1400 ML) @ Virginia Tech
Rice @ Marshall (-2000 ML)
This is the old 1:1 theory courtesy of our buddy Travey $ix-Rack. I gotta say I don’t love that Marshall (-2000) game, but I added it solely to get the parlay odds up to even.
PARLAY #5 // RISK 1.1 TO WIN 5.6
Air Force (-420 ML) @ Utah State
Texas (-360 ML) @ Kansas State
Buffalo (-400) @ Ohio
Oklahoma State (-135 ML) @ TCU
Nebraska @ Purdue (-130 ML)
That feels like it should be worth way less than 5:1 but I’ll take it no questions asked. These parley things are so easy.
PARLAY #6 // RISK 1.8 TO WIN 11
Miami @ Duke OVER 60.5
Liberty +8 @ Coastal Carolina
Oklahoma State -2.5 @ TCU
This is the only parlay that I am putting some actual thought into. It’s either going to be embarrassing when it goes 1-2 or heartbreaking when it goes 2-1.
PARLAY #7 // RISK 0.5 TO WIN 85.3
Liberty (+260 ML) @ Coastal Carolina
Boston College (+195 ML) @ Virginia
Indiana (+405 ML) @ Wisconsin
Georiga Tech (+220 ML) @ NC State
I got a feeling this is the week, Cheat!
That’s all, folks. If you have a brain you should be staring at that -40 units figure and betting everything you can get your hands on against my picks.
LAST WEEK: -17.25 units
SEASON: -39.9 units
(SEASON RECORD: 32-61-2)