ANOTHER DAY CFB WEEKEND, ANOTHER DOLLAR 4 FREE UNITS.
Winning on a weekly basis is getting dull. As my brethren Trav likes to say when a certain elderly basketball coach who insulted Joe Paterno catches COVID and recovers without an ICU stint – “that’s boring.”
I hate to sound unappreciative – but I’m not pulling my hair out for 12 hours to make 3 units. I want to suffer some form of significant financial impact that causes my mortgage lender to pick up the phone and call me in a panic (or better yet – a joy).
At risk of burying the lead, let’s just say that I will be throwing caution to the wind in Week 7. I’m going to give it my best shot in order to either win a shit ton or lose a shit ton.
🏈 CFB WEEK 6 RECAP 🏈
PARLAY #1 (+110) // RISK 2.0 to WIN 2.2
PARLAY #2 (+567) // RISK 1.5 to WIN 8.5
LONGSHOT CHEAT CARROLL ‘WHY NOT US’ PARLAY (+10900) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 109.0
Another 3.7 units in the bank and more importantly – the Sweetheart Parlay is a winner! I would love to scream “we’re back” but unfortunately we never left.
My thoughts on the games in no particular thought-out order:
The battle of the tryhards!
Does anyone enjoy kicking the shit out of inferior opponents more than Coastal Carolina and Cincinnati?
These were easy Thurs/Fri covers for me and I need to do a better job of hammering these tryhards going forward.
A few weeks ago that QB from Fresno State pulled a Big Ben and faked an injury while leading his team to a comeback. Sportswriters across the country lapped it up like the spineless morons that they are and the name “Jake Haener” actually started making it into the Heisman discussion.
I’m here to tell you that the Haener kid is a douchebag poser. He’s Big Ben walking gingerly with a lifeless arm in between plays, then stepping up and throwing a 70 mph dig route for a first down. And after seeing the end of this game I would officially like to declare that Haener is a poor man’s Zach Calzada. Watch this shot Calzada takes to the knee on the game-tying drive (right before leading the game-winning drive).
Now THAT is a gutsy effort. I don’t care that this guy played horribly in his first 5 games. The Snaker’s Dozen is officially kicking Haener OUT of the Heisman running and throwing Calzada IN.
What a football game.
Copypasta from last week: Dawgs roll. If you’re surprised then you’re just dumb.
BULLSHIT. That was a rough second half of football. Like watching a car crash in slow motion.
I flew too close to the sun and Penn State finally comes back to bite me for 4 big ones. The only good thing that came out of this game is the knowledge that I should be shorting Iowa stock.
Texas blows a lead and proves they are not on the same level as Oklahoma again? I’m stunned. Anyone care to read what I said about this game last week?
And after the game concluded, you’ll never guess who was shocked!
😢😂 @EmmanuelAcho was every Texas fan watching the end of the Red River Showdown pic.twitter.com/lyZ0P82DS9
— FOX College Football (@CFBONFOX) October 9, 2021
Scott Frost almost effs around and beats the Wolverines. Perhaps I shouldn’t have moved the line to -6.
What kind of idiot would take the Under 67 in this game?
Would it really be a college football weekend if I wasn’t getting the short end of the stick on a Notre Dame game? Ziggy’s Hokies were well within position to win this game but they did not have the PRIDE to see it through.
Ok I have doubted Will Levis long enough. Somebody grab the goddam bananas because I am buying all of the Levis stock I can get. I can’t wait to bet on him this week.
*Looks at schedule, sees road game at Georgia*
I can’t wait to bet on him next week.
I genuinely don’t understand.
Putting action on the toilet bowl comes back to burn me. Somebody told me UConn was starting to find their groove and that somebody obviously has no clue what the hell they are talking about. Teams that are finding their groove don’t lose to UMass by 14.
I’m glad that Oregon State finally lost before things spiraled out of control and I started throwing Championship futures on them. Leave it to the Fat Travs to cool off a blazing hot Beavers team.
One last note on the parlay department. I am still not happy with UNC losing to Florida State by 10.
Turns out the only team I wasn’t worried about in Parlay #2 is the team that ends up costing me. Also turns out Mack Brown is the Bitch of the Week:
"My expectation is to win every game, so three times we've met it and three times we haven't," Mack says. "The national media expectation, the expectation for us to be a top-10 team, were wrong. So I guess we should all be critical of the media for picking us that high."
— Lauren Brownlow (@lebrownlow) October 9, 2021
Week 7 picks, let’s do this.
The Rules of Sports Gambling by Snaker’s Dozen:
Rule #1 – You are due.
Rule #2 – See Rule #1.
Rule #3 – When it starts to hurt, turn up the dial. More units. Also, see Rule #1.
(Steve Ballmer has to be a top-5 idiot billionaire in the all-time standings.)
🏈 CFB WEEK 7 WINNERS 🏈
App State -3 @ Louisiana Lafayette (-115) // RISK 1.15 to WIN 1.0
App State @ Louisiana Lafayette OVER 54.5 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
Only I would be dumb enough to bet against Louisiana after what they did to me mid-week earlier this season, but like my good pal Billy Napier says (when he is running up the score by 50), scared money don’t make money. Plus I’m grabbing some insurance with the Over.
"Scared money don't make money." - @coach_bnapier pic.twitter.com/X3rC9D0kFx
— Scott Prather (@ScottMimic) September 17, 2021
Clemson -13.5 @ Syracuse (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
I realize that I am supposed to pretend that Clemson totally sucks after losing to #1 ranked Georgia and an always dangerous NC State team, but I am sticking to my guns and believing in Dabo. This god-fearing, awkward looking weirdo will get it figured out at some point this season.
One of the most under-discussed things in college football right now is how Dabo has taken Clemson’s awesome entrance and made it all about himself. This is weird.
— Brandon Walker (@BWalkerSEC) September 23, 2021
pic.twitter.com/59dNTVHU9g
Auburn @ Arkansas OVER 53 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
Never in my life did I think I would take an Over involving Auburn and Arkansas, but here we are. Arkansas is coming off of game where they scored 50 and gave up 50. All I’m asking for out of Bo Nix is 3 Auburn TDs and I think this bet cashes.
PS – for a guy that takes a lot of criticism, this play he made the other week was incredible.
Michigan State -3.5 @ Indiana (-115) // RISK 1.15 to WIN 1.0
Watching Mr. High School Gym Teacher get his shit kicked in on a weekly basis has probably been my highlight of the season thus far.
The dude is crying after a win over Purdue. Crying. Fucking Purdue.
Nebraska @ Minnesota MONEYLINE (+110) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 1.1
I have been wrong about Nebraska and Scott Frost for the last 5 or so weeks so why stop now? Give me the Hot Tub Time Machine narcicist.
Ohio @ Buffalo OVER 55.5 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
I had a decent buzz when I started firing off some picks early this week (including this one). I have no clue what metric I was looking at, but I’m guessing it has something to do with the fact that Ohio could very well give up 56 points to Buffalo solo.
Ohio = TRASH.
Oklahoma State +5 @ Texas (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
One of these teams is undefeated and playing great defense, and one of these teams is at home and has put together a few good offensive performances. This should be a pick’em and you are lying to yourself if you think otherwise. Just because their name is Texas that doesn’t magically make them good. I’ll take my 5 free points.
Texas A&M -8.5 @ Missouri (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
This is a principle play based off last week’s results. Texas A&M may have turned a corner and Missouri has looked lost (despite me believing in them and betting on them week after week).
If one of those things are true, TAMU will probaly cover. If both of those things are true, TAMU will definitely cover.
Kentucky @ Georgia -22.5 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
Kentucky @ Georgia TEAM OVER 34.5 (+100) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 1.0
Kentucky @ Georgia -24 (+105) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 1.05
As stated previously, I would love to roll with Will Levis at this point, but there’s just no shot I’m going to take him against Georgia.
I can’t imagine any scenario where this game plays out well for Kentucky. Try to picture them attempting to get their run game going in this one (you can’t).
The only pick I’m nervous about is my Georgia Over 34.5. If they choose to win in true boa constrictor Georgia fashion, this game could easily be 20-3.
Miami @ UNC OVER 62 (-110) // RISK 2.2 to WIN 2.0
I just don’t see a world where this game doesn’t flash across the bottom of the screen with a 42-31 type score on it. I can’t get a read on UNC at this point, but I know that Miami is bad bad. UNC in revenge mode should be able to score 50+ on the Hurricanes if need be.
Manny Diaz pack your shit up, buddy. It’s been a hell of a ride (it hasn’t). Good job, good effort.
Pitt @ Virginia Tech +4 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
Pitt @ Virginia Tech MONEYLINE (+155) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 1.55
I know this is going to look like I’m chasing after that Notre Dame heartbreaker, but Vegas is giving me no choice. Why is VT an underdog at home against Pitt? Am I supposed to be afraid of 7th year senior Kenny Pickett? I’m all set, thanks. I’ll take VT and ride with Zig again.
Alabama @ Mississippi State OVER 59 (-105) // RISK 1.05 to WIN 1.0
Mike Leach vs Nick Saban? Yeah this is going over.
Ole Miss -3 @ Tennessee (-110) // RISK 2.2 to WIN 2.0
🚨 MUST BET ALERT 🚨
Lane Kiffin is heading back to “Rocky Top” (whatever the hell that means) and this will be must-see TV. Both offenses are firing on all cylinders, but I think Ole Miss has a bit more ammunition. Plus it would make so much sense for Tennessee to falter at the moment they start gaining momentum. Tennessee and Texas are basically the same team..
Stanford MONEYLINE @ Washington State (-120) // RISK 1.2 to WIN 1.0
Ok, I’m officially chasing with this one. Stanford surprised me last week by not giving a shit against ASU, and the Fat Travs buried Oregon State alive on me. But this is the week the Fat Travs get beat at home due to David Shaw punting them to death.
Army @ Wisconsin UNDER 42.5 (-115) // RISK 1.15 to WIN 1.0
This is basically a service academy under that starts with a 4 in the total. I’m confused.
Something tells me Graham Mertz isn’t goign to throw for 4 touchdowns. Call it a crazy hunch.
UCLA MONEYLINE @ Washington (+100) // RISK 2.0 to WIN 2.0
Yes I know that this game is a trap and no I don’t care that I’m sticking my hand in there.
Hawaii @ Nevada OVER 59.5 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
You already know what this is.
PARLAY #1 (+190) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 1.9
The Sweetheart parlay is back and I’m looking to make it two in a row.
PARLAY #2 (+150) // RISK 2.0 to WIN 3.0
Let’s see those (road) doggies!
PARLAY #3 (+500) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 5.0
I’m having a hard time spotting a loser in there, but then again, I didn’t expect UNC -900 to lose to FSU last week.
PARLAY #4 (+2400) // RISK 0.5 to WIN 12.0
Make no mistake, that is NOT the Cheat Carroll Parlay. Just 3 underdogs with 3 legitimate opportunities to win.
One more time, Herb!
LONGSHOT CHEAT CARROLL ‘WHY NOT US’ PARLAY (+7900) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 79.0
No need to adjust your tv laptop cell phone screen, you read that correctly. I have 5, count em, 5 parlays in Week 7. Let’s take Bovada to the cleaners!!!
That’s all, folks. Get responsibly drunk off a gallon og pumpkin beers and have yourself a weekend.