Wtf kind of cruel and unusual punishment is this? The gambling gods allow me to go 13 weeks deep into the season without losing a cent. Then they say “Ok enough is enough. Rob him blind over Thanksgiving weekend.”
Look at this insanity below (WARNING: NSFW) 
CFB WEEK 13 RECAP
PARLAY #1 (-125) // RISK 1.25 to WIN 1.0
PARLAY #2 (+525) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 5.25
LONGSHOT CHEAT CARROLL ‘WHY NOT US’ PARLAY (+6600) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 66.0
Are you going to look me in the eyes and tell me with a straight face that the gambling gods aren’t playing a sick joke on me right now?
Serious question – has anyone in the history of anything ever went 6 for 24? I’m trying to think of a sports comparison. Maybe Ben Simmons from the free throw line?
At least getting skunked on Parlay #2 manage to put a smile on my face. I guess I forgot that sort of thing was even possible. It’s cliche, but it truly is just as hard to miss them all as it is to hit them all.
For consistency purposes I suppose I should show you the S.S. Snaker’s Dozen before I hit you with last week’s games.
My thoughts on the games in no particular thought-out order:
The Egg Bowl. This was my first sign that things were not going to go my way this week. Miss State never really stood a chance of winning this game and even with a 29-point 4th quarter the Over was never particularly close either.
I got Kiffin’d. No two ways about it.
After being dead wrong about the Egg Bowl, instead of cancelling all of my bets for the weekend I allowed this game to trick me into things might take a turn for the better.
Iowa had no business, and I mean NO BUSINESS of covering this game. They were down 21-9 heading into the 4th quarter before Scott Frost fell apart in typical Scott Frost fashion. This turned out to be one of my few victories of the weekend.
How the fuck is Nebraska so fucking bad? Is Scott Frost that fucking terrible of a fit? I see Nebraska folks saying he's actually doing a great job behind the scenes similar to Mike Norvell before the wins but it's the end if year 4 lol This is title time. What's the secret???? https://t.co/hOCabdPn89
— George Georgiades (@GeorgiadesLive) November 23, 2021
I’m trying to think of a bigger last minute collapse in football history. The only thing that comes to mind is me and my dad watching this game between the Bears and Browns when I was about 7 years old. I think the Bears went double onside kick TDs to steal the game or something like that.
That’s sort of what happened to UNC.
Ironically, NC State’s late game heroics cost me the UNC ML, but pushed the total to an Over which actually netted me money.
(Also – I just fact-checked the Bears Browns game. The score was 21-7 with 32 seconds left in the game and the team with 7 points somehow won. LOL.)
My biggest loser of the week. A 5.5 Unit L on the Nits and the Under. The only part I enjoyed about this game was watching Penn State players blend into the snow covered field and also having no clue what yard line the ball was on.
I’m pretty well numb to close losses for Penn State at this point.
It actually happened.
Mr. Khakis finally put a beat down on Mr. Property Brother. Between these two coaches it’s a ‘douchebag-off’ but my god I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t satisfying listening to this quote from Jim Harbaugh.
Jim Harbaugh says some of the comments and other bulletin board material by Ohio State only motivated his team.
— TheWolverine.com (@TheWolverineMag) November 27, 2021
"Sometimes people who are standing on third base think they hit a triple, but they didn't." pic.twitter.com/yKAPjeRWEt
Essentially the only thing I was right about all weekend was this game.
I got carried away with some live-betting and this game nearly bled me dry. I am getting that ‘2AM-why-did-i-just-lose-a-months-rent-on-hawaii‘ anxious feeling just thinking about this game.
That being said if you didn’t have any dog in the fight I bet this was awesome to watch. Good for OKST. Good for mullet.
(I need to go to bed and catch a flight that’s taking off in 8 hours, but I’m too busy LOLing at my own shitty photoshop job) ⬆️
Can’t believe I fell for this one. Despite me saying it wasn’t going to come down to jimmies and joes it 100% came down to jimmies and joes.
I feel like a public sucker. Classic SQUARE.
I hate Hot Tub Time Machine PJ Fleck.
Remember when I talked about live betting the game and losing my shirt on Oklahoma?
Yeah, this one too. Goddamit I probably deserved that after making fun of that dipshit Coach O for the last 4 months. A close-your-eyes-and-go-deep game winner. Ouch.
LSU TOUCHDOWN TO TAKE THE LEAD WITH 20 SECONDS LEFT! pic.twitter.com/gPsmQa6by8
— ESPN (@espn) November 28, 2021
That’s it for the recap. It’s officially go-time on my Week 14 picks. Championship Week. Must-win territory. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Let’s check the rules and let’s get a quick pump-up video in.
(If “Do you have any pride Danny” and Matthew Driscoll “let’s gooo” videos aren’t inspiring me to win then what possibly can? What the hell do I have to do around here to buy a win?? There’s only one logical choice left.)
The Rules of Sports Gambling by Snaker’s Dozen:
Rule #1 – You are due.
Rule #2 – See Rule #1.
Rule #3 – When it starts to hurt, turn up the dial. More units. Also, see Rule #1.
This murdered me pic.twitter.com/aneUbvWIxh
— i love you, momma (@worldstarwizer) July 27, 2020
Holy hell Sammy Hagar, I’m ready to win some units!!!
CFB WEEK 14 WINNERS
Western Kentucky -2.5 @ UTSA (-105) // RISK 1.05 to WIN 1.0
I think last week was an indication that UTSA’s luck has run out and we should prepare to see them come crashing back down to earth like the Hindenburg.
Plus Western Kentucky’s QB is not afraid to CHUCK and who wouldn’t want to root for that?
Oregon +3 @ Utah (-120) // RISK 1.2 to WIN 1.0
I already feel like this biggest dumbass on earth betting on Oregon with a vertually identical spread to when this game got played a couple of weeks ago (and Utah won by 1000).
But the fact that the bookies are putting this line at +3 tells me they are trying to reel in suckers to bet on Utah. Don’t let them outsmart you – the play is Oregon.
Baylor +5.5 @ Oklahoma State (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
If I was picking this game with my heart I’d lean towards OKST to win. I’d like to see the mullet earn his way to the CFP and I feel like this team deserves it after the way they adapted to establish a pretty dominant D.
But this is the Big 12. It would be very Big-12-like for a couple of their teams to cannibalize each other and finish in the Top 10 while missing out on the playoffs.
App State @ Louisiana MONEYLINE (+120) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 1.2
I found out Billy Napier was coaching this game AFTER I placed my bet and I am currently fighting the urge to quadruple down. This has got to be the Super Bowl for this ULL team. All indications point to a clean break for Billy Napier and the Rajin Cajuns. He HAS to go out with a bang on his home turf.
Statement from Vice President for Intercollegiate Athletics, @MaggardB. #GeauxCajuns ⚜️ pic.twitter.com/T89WsgoVj1
— Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns® (@RaginCajuns) November 28, 2021
Georgia -6 @ Alabama (-120) // RISK 3.6 to WIN 3.0
Georgia @ Alabama TEAM UNDER 23.5 (-145) // RISK 2.9 to WIN 2.0
Georgia @ Alabama UNDER 50 (-110) // RISK 2.2 to WIN 2.0
Last (regular season) game of the year (for the Dawgs), can’t hold anything back now. This will be my make-or-break game of the week and you already know I’m rolling with Quavo’s Mattural’s Bulldogs.
Georgia has been telling us all year long that they don’t care who their opponent is – they are going to beat the piss out of you up front.
Ironically, Alabama has also been telling us they don’t care who their opponent is – they are going to get whooped up front and try to squeak out a non-inspiring win.
This is the year. This is our year. GO DAWGS.
Houston +10.5 @ Cincinnati (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
I tried my damndest to bet on the Cincinnati Tryhards, but I just couldn’t do it. I wanted to, but I just couldnt do it!
I know my heart will be with Houston during this game so why not put my wallet there too. FWIW Houston is on an 11-game win streak to Cinicinnati’s 12-game win streak and yet they are getting double digit points to work with.
Iowa @ Michigan -9.5 (-130) // RISK 1.3 to WIN 1.0
I have no idea why I bet on this game. The fact that I bought a point tells you all you need to know: I have zero clue what’s going to happen.
It’s been said 1000 times now, but I will echo the sentiment that Michigan has essentially turned out to be a way more consistent version of what we thought Iowa was at the beginning of the year. They are solid up front on both sides. They wear you down. They win the turnover battle every game. Their QB takes care of the ball.
The bottom line is that Michigan is better than Iowa and it’s not close. If Michigan has one ounce of pride (DANNY!) then they won’t let this moment slip away from them.
Wake Forest @ Pitt MONEYLINE (-145) // RISK 1.45 to WIN 1.0
I believe I may have sworn off Pitt for life a few weeks back so let’s go ahead and break that promise.
One of these programs has been moderately competitive year after year and the other program is Wake Forest.
Nothing against Wake, but this just feels like the end of the ride for them. Kenny Pickett is legitimately good and Wake Forest’s defense is legitimately bad. The only stat you need to know is that Wake is giving up nearly 6 yards per play on D.
USC +4.5 @ Cal (-115) // RISK 1.15 to WIN 1.0
What kind of sick mother-effer thinks he has an edge on a December makeup game between 4-7 USC and 4-7 Cal?
The USC boys are going to be FIRED UP coming off the potentially program-defining hire of Lincoln Riley. I can only imagine that he’s attending this game and I think the players will respond well.
I simply can not believe I am getting 4.5 freebies on the Trojans at kickoff.
PARLAY #1 (+500) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 5.0
I was literally done placing my bets and then my brain did that thing where it has the devil on one shoulder and angel on the other.
Yes, I went with the devil.
PARLAY #2 (+800) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 8.0
I’m calling this one ‘THE POWER 6 CHALK PARLAY.”
In a year full of underdog spoilers, I don’t want to be the guy that doesn’t see the ‘chalk winning out on Championship Week’ coming. I won’t be able to come back from that if I miss out on this parlay. And they are giving it to me at 8:1 for gods sake.
LONGSHOT CHEAT CARROLL ‘WHY NOT US’ PARLAY (+11800) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 118.0
It’s moments like these where you have to remind yourself why we do what we do. This is what sports betting is all about. Sure, I may be down 30 units on the season due to the 48 different parlays I’ve missed on. But it only takes one 118 unit parlay to wipe away all that damage in one fell swoop.
Let’s have a championship week.
