“Nothing is actually free.”
“There’s no such thing as free.”
“Nothing in life is given to you. You should suffer for 80 years and then die.”
These are age-old expressions heard round the world by angry, beaten-down men over the age of 60. Well, the first two are. The third one I might have made up but it sounds like something my Irish Catholic dad might say.
But here I am – the bearer of GOOD news. I was driving through The District the other day and came across this sign. I would be willing to bet my hard earned money that ever since that gas station owner put that sign up, their business is up over 300%. Probably having a phenomenal “Q3.”
There’s so much free shit being given out at this shop that I don’t know what isn’t free. Oh you want some air? Great, here’s some for free today. Oil change? That’s on us. And oh by the way, fuck it here’s a random tire we had laying around too.
I feel like at this gas station all you have to do is roll up to the window, make eye contact with the guy runnin the reggie, and nod your head. At that point, he waves his arm signaling you to drive around back. And that’s where the magic happens. Some guy named Pat or Todd with a goatee who hasn’t taken off his sunglasses (think little league baseball coach style) in four years is back there waiting for you. At that point he tops off all your tire pressures, changes your oil, and swaps out your left rear tire.
In all seriousness, if anyone can actually interpret that sign feel free to comment what you think it means. My first guess was that they give you a free tire if you pay for an oil change. But that literally makes no sense. You can’t just slap a fourth unique tire on to accompany a set of three matching ones, right? I don’t think any Goodyear rep in America would tell you that’s a good idea. I also noticed that the sign itself is actually sitting on a tire. So is that the tire you get for free? And what if it doesn’t even match your wheel size? Here’s some other questions that need answering:
- What could have changed that air is free today, but you had to pay for it yesterday?
- How did the author decide on that position for the smiley face? I had to look at it seven times to make sure OOIL wasn’t a word.
- Did the author die halfway through and someone else wrote the word “Change” before they came back to life to finish it?
- Is “FREE” underlined or is “TiRE” boxed?
- Once they got done with the dashed border did they consider it a mistake or did they nod their head in approval. Personally, I think they got greedy.