I’m well aware this is the most unoriginal take of all time, but I consider myself a pretty big dog guy.
I’m not a dog expert by any means. I can’t tell a mutt apart from a purebred. I can’t tell you if a dog is unhealthy. I can’t train them. But I still love them. I love how they are always smiling at shit. I love how they can smash their head off the coffee table and then wag their tail like nothing happened. I love how they chase squirrels. Most of all, I just love hanging out and being in the same room as them.
If I was going to do a power rankings of my all time favorite Saturday activities – #1, #2, and #3 would be drinking imperial beers on my couch while watching 12 hours of college football with my dog sitting next to me chewing on some sort of bone or stick. From time to time I reach over and scratch her head just to let her know I love her, and that I need the Kent State kicker to drill this 47 yarder in order to keep my $20 parlay alive.
A general rule of thumb for me: If you walk your dog past me on the sidewalk – you’re going to get a smile out of me. Not towards the owner, but towards the pup.
I can only think of 2 instances in my life where I saw a dog and thought “keep that mutt away from me.” One of those instances involved a 110 pound German Shepherd growling while being held back by its 100 pound owner. The other time involved a Pitbull on HGH walking around my workplace pissing on floors and looking for a snack in the form of human flesh.
Other than that, you’re not going to get any serious complaints out of me during any of my run-ins with canines. (LETS SEE THEM DOGGIES!)
BUT. That being said…is it OK for me to think that while all dogs go to heaven that some dogs look like hell on earth? That probably sounds harsh. I will concede that every dog in its early stages of life is a good looking dog. It’s when they grow out of the puppy stage that they turn into ugly bastards (I’m looking at you Mr. Rottweiler.)
So I want to go record with my Top 5 Worst and Top 5 Best Looking Doggos.
And let me begin by saying that I have ZERO issue with any of the dogs I am about to list in my Top 5 Worst rankings. I still like these guys. I’m simply pointing out that they are ugly. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t let them come hang out at my place for the weekend and watch Kent State go to war with Bowling Green.
So without further adieu, lets break down the ugly good boys.
MY TOP 5 WORST LOOKING DOGS
5. Chihuahua
This guys facial expression says it all. He looks like he is piss drunk in a back alley. And not in a ‘he’s just a college kid having fun‘ kind of way. It’s more like the ‘55 year old construction worker that gets blasted every Tuesday night‘ kind of way. Also the word “rodent” comes to mind.
Overall, this guy looks (and probably acts) annoying as shit. Hard pass for me.
4A/4B. Yorkshire Terrier/Maltese
I apologize for complicating the list right off the bat with a 4a and 4b, but these dogs are interchangeable. Again, the word “rodent” comes to mind. Check that – “long-haired rodent” comes to mind.
And that’s what ultimately lands these little guys on my list at #4. Give these dogs a good clean military cut and they are A-OK in my book. But as soon as you start letting them grow their hair out (or as my dad would say “being hairpins”) they start to get very ugly.
I mean what are we even doing with that guy? He looks like he’s about to save Harry Potter from Lord Voldemort for the 17th time.
3. Bulldog
Now my guilt is really starting to set in. I have heard nothing but great things about having bulldogs as pets. I’m sure they are super chill and loving and friendly, etc. But they look like the type of creatures you see riding the electric carts at Walmart or sitting at a blackjack table for 8 straight hours (while sober).
There’s no nice way to say this so I’m just going to say it. Bulldogs are slobs. Grade-A SLOBS.
They look like they spend their entire life worrying about their next meal (they probably do) and deciding where they want to take their next nap. Throw in a little bit of obesity driven respiratory issues and you are now describing most American men in their 50s. So there you have it. Bulldogs are basically just 50 year old men who drink Busch Lites and watch the NFL and for that reason I’m out.
2. Pug
See all the shit above I just said about bulldogs except scale their size by 1/3 and make them uglier. When Noah was wrangling up all these dogs for his arc he probably looked at this guy and said “Oh shit I can’t forget the smaller bulldogs with the bug eyes and contorted face. Hop on, Mr. Pug!”
PS – remember that thing I said earlier about all dogs being cute when they are puppies? Let it be known that these creeps are the exception.
1. Bull Terrier
My #1 heavyweight contender for the undisputed ugly dog champion of the world belongs to the Bull Terrier. I don’t even know what a Bull Terrier is. It sure as hell isn’t a dog. That thing is closer to a martian than it is a canine.
What kind of evolution took place over thousands of years in order for its head to take the shape of a $9 Wilson football? I imagine that’s from years and years of ripping each other apart and fucking each other up. It basically has cauliflower ear for its entire face. These guys are built to battle for sure.
“Awww they are so sweet and gentle and misunderstood” says the bull terrier owner before it chews through the front door and digs its teeth into her brother-in-laws thigh because he only comes by once a year and it doesn’t recognize him.
“They are just misunderstood!”
You don’t get to #1 on my ugly dogs list without being a total freak. I would say killing kids and walking around with a horse face qualifies. The bull terrier is far and away my #1 choice.
Now let’s put all this negativity behind us and talk about the kind of dogs that you hope your daughter brings home for dinner some day.
MY TOP 5 BEST LOOKING DOGS
5. Australian Shepherd
Truth be told I know next to nothing about these dogs but I’ll be damned if they don’t look like they are a good-timing fella. I don’t have the stats to back it up, but my brain says that 97.5% of all “shop dogs” are Australian Shepherds. You know how sometimes you walk into a hardware store and there’s just a dog roaming around that clearly is owned by no one but lives at the store? Well that’s what I’m referring to with my definition of a shop dog. Good looking, mild tempered pups that drive sales.
Plus it’s kinda cool how they will have 7 seven colors in their fur and multicolored eyes. If you can get over every piece of furniture in your house being covered with fur then this is the dog for you.
4. Husky
Rule #1 of this list is if you look identical to a majestic wild animal like a wolf you are getting on the list. You can cut the line and skip the cover charge. The first drink is on the house, Mr. Husky.
Any dog that can pull off blue eyes and a lush coat of winter fur belongs in the top 5. Plain and simple. I’ve never owned one of these dogs but I imagine they are pretty damn good guard dogs. You have to figure they would scare the living shit out of an intruder who thought he was staring into the eyes of a Canadian Grey Wolf.
3. Labrador Retriever
It pains me to put this guy at #3 because I respect the Lab so much. If you polled the entire population of America and asked “do you like Labrador Retrievers?” the answers would come back as a unanimous YES. How can you not love these dogs?
Good luck trying to dislike that face. That guy could be a goddam model for Calvin Klein.
They might as well have ‘mans best friend’ stamped across their forehead. My family owned one of these (RIP Chloe) and she was so cool that she once got featured in the newspaper with a group of girl scouts. The caption listed her in the photo right next to Sally and Maddie as “Chloe the neighborhood dog.”
2. Golden Retriever
Excuse the pun, but the golden retriever is the gold standard of what a dog should be all about.
My old roommate had one of these and I would occasionally take him out for a walk around the neighborhood. Within that 20 minute period of walking him I would be approached by no less than 3 girls on every walk that would want to engage in a full blown dissertation on the dog. I’m not single, but I think the takeaway here is that this dog is so good looking that it can improve your love life (if you’re interested in that sort of thing).
It’s kinda funny when you think about it. Some guys go out 4 times a week approaching every girl in the bar with a pulse trying to strike up conversation to no avail. A golden retriever walks down the street with a smile on its face and pedestrians are sprinting across 3 lanes of traffic to come say hi to it.
1. Goldendoodle
Yes I’m aware that the goldendoodle is not really a breed and that defeats the purpose of this list, but I don’t care. These dogs are the shit. And I don’t have a dog in this fight (jk obviously this is #1 because I literally own this dog in the fight).
But seriously come on. We’re basically getting the golden retriever and then saying:
- What if we could make it even cuter?
- What if it didn’t shed?
- What if it had the intelligence of a poodle?
- What if it had the ability to sit down and have a beer with you?
PS – if you want to own one of these dogs please be prepared for it to be an absolute maniac with no off switch.