Sup garbage heads. Zig here. That’s right. I bet you thought this blog was all snake. But nope, I’m here for a special appearance. I’m here to tell you about how great of a sport golf is.
You may recall some past writings from snake about how everyone cheats at golf. And then we set out to accomplish the “honest 18”. While my counterpart managed to do suspiciously well without as much as fluffing up the ball, I recently went out and broke 100 for the first time with a 98. Although this did occur with a mulligan, which certainly could have changed the outcome. I hated to do it, but it was one of those ridiculous drives where you top the ball and it manages to roll half way to the womens tee. Just had to roll with it. *EDITORS NOTE: How about Zig taking a “breakfast ball” and then having the nerve to allude it was an honest 18? Garbage!*
Anyways, I’ve been on the quest to complete a more honest “honest 18” over the last week. My first attempt came this last Friday when I went out alone after calling it quits at work. First hole: bang a solid par. Things are looking good. The second hole was a par 3 and anybody who has ever golfed with me knows that I seem to just crumble on these guys. I think I landed a solid 6 but was ready to bounce back.
This is where things went downhill. I encountered the worst thing a golfer can run into while out on the links: The dreaded clueless slowasses.
I‘ll never in my life understand how you can have someone sitting in their cart right behind you while you are walking up to your tee box and think that is completely fine. I was on the tail of these two ladies for seven holes and I don’t think they could have been bothered less. Needless to say, I started to break down further due to pure frustration from these ladies who seemed to be running some serious calculations prior to every shot. Combine that with an unexpected call to the pharmacy to do a pharmacist’s job, and I was donezo. I already decided I’m cutting the round short to 9 holes.
**side note. I believe an important part of being a successful golfer is to look at as many positives as possible. For me on this day, it was that I hadn’t lost a ball. On the 9th hole, I decided to play two balls because why not, right? Well, I managed to chunk one of them and R.I.P. to the Vice red ball. The already abysmal round was finally laid to rest with that act of stupidity.
Fast forward two days. It’s a new day and I’m ready for redemption. This time, I’m playing my usual Sunday round with pops and a few guests. Boy am I ready to get this honest 18 in and crush it. I’m playing everything safe in this round but it isn’t long before I accept the fact that this isn’t going to be my new all time low. But I wasn’t just yet ready to give up on the honest 18. No sir. That didn’t happen until hole #13.
This was the type of round where not much went my way. I didn’t realize that the PGA tour was coming through Warren, PA but they sure did prepare the greens and pin placements for it. Everybody in my group struggled with this. If you didn’t sink your putt or come up 2 inches short, your ball was cruising a minimum of 10 feet past the hole with a 38% chance of ending up back on the fringe.
Okay back to hole #13. I’m trying to focus on the positives. Haven’t lost a ball yet in this round. This has to be a new record for me. My first shot from 13 actually goes straight for once in my life. The problem with this is that I play a pretty mean slice and because of this, my drive went straight into the woods. Damn. I doubt I’m finding this but I say there’s a chance. Better play the provisional. As I’m teeing up the provisional, pops suggests “line up the same exact way. That was most likely a fluke.” Against my better judgment, I do as my father suggests, and somehow launch one the exact opposite direction straight towards a pond. Damn.
It was right then that I decided I’m no longer keeping my score. I’m having a hard time finding positives to focus on, so I nix the score keeping and just try to enjoy a few brews on a beautiful day with some good company.
The next part of the story is the most important. I think I remember somebody making some famous quote of how cruel of a game golf is. It could have even been a poem or some garbage like that. I’m having such a bad round that I’m thinking about putting the clubs in storage until next year. I’m gearing up for hunting season. I’m brainstorming how to lift my rig another 2 inches.
Finally the 18th hole. Let’s get this over with. I decide to just let it rip on my drive. Every bit of advice I’ve been trying all year long is thrown out the window and I line up straight down the fairway and swing the driver with the force of a million average joes. With god as my witness, this was the straightest drive of my life. I was tempted to break out a measuring tape and confirm that my ball was indeed in the dead center of the fairway. Inevitably, someone yells out “that’ll keep you coming back!” And there is no truer statement that could be made. I put a pause in my whitetail plans and I’m back baby! Second shot and I put that dumbass ball 15 feet away from the hole. Eagle opportunity coming up boys and girls.
This is what they’re talking about golf being so cruel. I enjoy the game. I find it relaxing most of the time. But today I was 100% ready to throw in the towel. And on the last hole the golf gods say “Hey we need this sucker to keep coming back and wasting his money. Give him two goods shots. No more, no less.”
Unfortunately for me I was only given those two shots and managed to bogey the hole. But damn those two shots got me feeling like I’m ready to go pro. Stay tuned garbage heads. I’ll see you on the course later this week.
