I assume everyone is familiar with the age-old hypothetical I am about to throw out here: “You should have to get a license to have children.” You’ve heard that before right? Your uncle probably tossed that phrase around one time after he knocked back a sixer of Miller Lites at the family Labor Day party. It’s a silly thing to say. Obviously a huge infringement on personal rights. It’s not the governments job to dictate when you can have a kid. BUT every once in a while you find yourself standing in the Walmart checkout line and the thought crosses your mind. “Y’know that child license thing might make a little bit of sense.”

*HOT TAKE WARNING* So I’d like to propose taking that concept a step further. I’d like to ban you from having children altogether. And when I say “you,” i should clarify I’m referring to that exceptionally delusional breed of celebrity. Your Tom Cruises, your Kim Kardashians, your Robert Downey Juniors. And let’s not forget the celebs that inspired this concept for me today – Mr and Mrs Will Smith!

I saw a 10 minute video of some self-administered marriage counseling conversation on twitter this morning and I actually tried to watch the stupidity. I thought I was going to die from second-hand narcissism so I stopped around the 4 minute mark. But I got everything I needed in that 4 minutes. Here is a classic example of why you can’t go into the grocery store without bumping into people who are standing still in the aisles. Why you can set your cruise control on the interstate and watch the guy in the Subaru Forester pass you on seven different occasions. There are people on planet earth who actually admire assholes like these two people. Complete dummies. They are among us. “Look at these brave warriors having a healthy discussion about their relationship!” Nah. They’re just airing shit out that is absolutely, positively, 1000% nobody’s business but their own. 

And that’s my issue. If you wanna air your shit out to monetize some clicks, fine. That’s your prerogative. But if you have kids and you do this sort of stuff…you’re just a self-absorbed asshole. Your kids have to answer for this stuff. And I think it’s pretty well known the Smith kids are bizarre in the first place. Bizarre is probably a harsh way to put it, but I’m willing to bet they took their fair share of criticism online before their parents had a public discussion of how they cheat on each other. The mom just kept saying “I was in an entanglement with so and so.” Wow. Next level narcissism there. “You were hooking up with other people?” “Well not exactly. I just had a few entanglements.” She should consider getting into politics with that kind of raw talent. 

I’ve never seen that lady in my life (though I do recognize her name), but I knew I couldn’t stand her as soon as the video started. She looks like she wants to sell me some shit. Probably get real pushy about it and put some bullshit religious spin on how her product will change my life.  And Will Smith honestly looks like he’s still trying to stay in character with the Pursuit of Happyness thing. Dude looks like he walked into that room and said “oh shit this is today?” and set down his rum and coke. Straight up strung out.

And I’m only half kidding as I write this. The fact that two people could be so self-involved to have this discussion on Facebook live or wherever the hell they did it should be justification for why we need to take my concept and get it to capital hill. Let’s ban these weirdos from producing offspring that will be weirdos and grow up and repeat the cycle. What is that called, the butterfly effect?

I’ll drop the video below. Feel free to try and break my personal record of enduring 4 minutes.