Sup Garbage Gang! Happy 4th of July!
Here’s to a safe and fun-filled holiday in the greatest country ever (I only wrote that last part so somebody would get offended by it).
But for real, I saw this video earlier today and was contemplating whether or not other countries are jealous of us:
Straight up hilarious. I don’t know that the video itself is that funny. But the idea of the guy in that boat scripting this video and going through the logistics to make it happen is hilarious. AND the fact that there’s a market for it! That stupid video has 20,000 views. That’s how we do it in America baby!
So on that note, I want to rattle off my TOP FIVE SIX 4TH OF JULY FLICKER MOVES.
6. Drinking a Keg of Shitty Beer
I’ll set the scene. A bunch of dudes standing around on somebody’s back patio (it’s not a deck or a porch it’s just a flicker patio). The guys who aren’t divorced yet have dragged their girlfriends/wives with them and you can tell none of the women are thrilled to be there. Everyones holding red cups and wearing those sunglasses that look like something Farva from Super Troopers would have on. Sunburned foreheads and mullets are everywhere. And without fail – there is a keg sitting out in the unkept lawn holding a large quantity of beer that tastes like piss. Straub, Jenny Light, Bud Heavy, or anything along those lines.
5. Wearing American Flag-Themed Attire
Every good flicker takes this move about three steps too far and has an overbearing amount of red, white, and blue on. The button down shirt with George Washington on it would have got the point across. But the bandana, flag belt buckle, star spangled banner oakleys, and red cowboy boots REALLY drive the point home. “Holy shit does this guy smell like freedom or is it just me???”
And yes, I realize this incriminates all of us in our childhood. But lets be honest – all kids are flickers.
4. Attending a Parade
Not sure why anyone does this to themself. “Hey do you guys wanna go sit outside and be uncomfortably hot in a cheap lawnchair and watch kids pick up filthy candy off the street (literally)?
Only logical explanation here is that flickers love watching big rigs roll by with a cold one in hand. Also, it’s free. Flickers love free shit.
3. Getting a DUI
Are you even from Smalltown, USA if you don’t knock down a DUI over a July 4th weekend? Next to Thanksgiving Eve this is probably the biggest DUI night of the year.
2. Starting a USA-USA-USA Chant
Self-explanatory. No highly respected clean-cut business professional has ever stood up among a crowd and started screaming “USA” in order to incite a chant. This sort of leadership takes a special breed of flicker. This is the sort of skill you have to be born with. Flicker blood pumping through the veins from day #1.
1. Fireworks Mishaps
There is nothing more American or more flicker than injuring yourself or causing serious property damage via fireworks in the late evening hours on July 4th. I wonder how many insurance claims get filed on the morning of July 5th. Just a bunch of hungover dudes with beer guts staring at the back of their insurance cards and punching in the toll-free number on their keypads.
AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR THE GRAND FINALE!!!
There he is!
It is officially the one day of the year where I have to give a shit about the weirdo, freakshow-looking specimen that is Joey Chestnut. At 12:30 ET today a bunch of dudes including this pervert will attempt to eat as many hot dogs as they physically can within a 10 minute period. Last year he managed to set a new world record by downing 75 dogs. (Please excuse me while I go throw up.)
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.
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But there is good news. You can bet on this event. And this is the year I make some serious dough by betting against Joey Chestnut. I am HAMMERING the under 73.5 dogs consumed by the winner. And I mean HAMMERING.
(Might go throw up again).
In case you don’t recall from this time last year, I crunched the numbers and my projection spit out 71.2196429 dogs anticipated in 2021. And the book is offering me 73.5. Can you say EA$Y MONEY??
So that’s all. Most importantly, I hope you all have a blast (just not the JPP kind of blast) and celebrate your freedom in style with family and friends. Happy 4th of July everyone.