It’s been quite some time since I took out the trash. We’ve made it to November in 2020 and we’re still pretending to quarantine. That’s an accomplishment in itself. Without further ado, let’s talk garbage.
Fantasy Football
I could write 50,000 words on why I hate fantasy football and I wouldn’t have scratched the surface. It honestly makes my blood boil. I feel like the Pardon My Take guys summed it up pretty well with that “no one gives a shit about your fantasy football team” campaign they ran a couple years ago. Yet there are still people out there that don’t get it. Still people that will tell you “I started Todd Gurley instead of Aaron Jones this week and it cost me 11.4 fantasy points and I only lost by 10.5.” HOLY SHIT NO ONE CARES MAN. Literally no one, except you and the 12 other people on earth that started Gurley instead of Jones and lost their game by the differential in points those guys scored.
The fact that Matthew Berry that fraud has a job discussing this shit makes me lose faith in humanity. If WW3 ever goes down, let’s send over the people that reply to Matthew Berry tweets with “Should I start dickhead A or dickhead B this week in fantasy?” for the FRONT LINES. That’s right. You losers get to the front. We’ll give you all iphones preloaded with the yahoo fantasy app so that you can tinker with your lineup while you sprint towards the gunfire.
Holy cringe. How far into that video did you last? If you can make it to the end, I think he has tears in his eyes. His voice is definitely cracking. Can you believe there is people out there that tune in to watch that shit and take it seriously? “I can’t believe it! I was rolling on the floor laughing when Field Yates gave him a hug!”
Hey Matthew Berry….bud….you’re like 50. You probably have a wife and kids (that you ignore while you adjust your fantasy lineup for 30 hours a week). You’re throwing a temper tantrum over not scoring enough points in a virtual coaching game. And BTW you’re literally in charge of the fucking thing. So if someone doesn’t score enough points for your liking, keep in mind you’re the idiot that put them in there!
Oh and don’t get me started on the guys who get mad at the players. World class losers. I sent the guys who ask lineup questions over to WW3 for the front lines. And now I’d like to go ahead send guys like this to a death row prison facility;
Look at what we deal with.. pic.twitter.com/YfP960gShS
— Brandon Jacobs (@gatorboyrb) October 22, 2013
Have I made my point? Consider this your warning. If you have the audacity to tell me about your fantasy lineup from this moment on I’m going to reply with “I honestly couldn’t care any less” with a dead straight face. It will be awkward and painful, but if you make me suffer, I will make sure you suffer with me.
PS – With all that stuff said, year after year I get the two last second texts that say “hey man you planning on doing fantasy again?” And I get guilt tripped into signing up and donating $50 for both leagues so I can neglect a lineup for the next 4 months. But in all seriousness why should I even tweak it? Setting a fantasy lineup and dicking around with free agents is the equivalent of trying to research how to flip a coin and make it land on tails. I promise you at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what you do. Someone once told me that Matthew Berry didn’t make his fantasy league’s playoffs one year so let that sink in next time you think it matters who you “pick up off waivers this week.”
People that Avoid Parking Next to the Carts
You guys want to see where I’ve parked the last 100 times I went to the grocery store?
That is my actual go-to grocery store and the exact 4 spots I always park in. The reason I park there is because they are the closest spots to the front door that are unoccupied every time. Why are they unoccupied? Well, I’ve been half-wondering that myself. I assume it’s because they are next to the shopping cart return and 50 years ago some nervous nelly said “don’t park next to the shopping carts or you could get a ding!” Couple thoughts here:
- When did we start worrying about getting “dings” in inanimate objects?
- When I first moved to Baltimore and started street parking downtown every day one of my neighbors gave me the best advice I’ve ever received relative to vehicles. For whatever reason we were discussing fender benders and he said “who gives a shit it’s just a stupid car.” I took that to heart. It actually made me re-evaluate my entire viewpoint on owning a car.
- A couple years back some guy slammed into the back of me on I-70 and I pulled over to look at with him before saying “yeah I don’t care.” There was a hole and a crack in my bumper. What am I gonna do? Make a bunch of phone calls and fill out a bunch of paperwork so I can fix it and my insurance company can hike my premium? God forbid the insurance company actually pays for something. And then after all that dicking around you know damn well the first thing I’d do with my new bumper is back it into a lightpost.
- How much does the liklihood of your car being struck by a shopping cart increase by being near the place where the shopping carts are stored? 5%? I wouldn’t consider the granny pushing her shopping cart along at 0.1 mph dangerous by any means. Even if I cared about my car being dented, I’d run a risk-reward scenario of that 5% vs. walking an extra 50 feet.
- 99.9% of the time at the grocery store I am not using a cart. I’m not one of these people that likes to “load up on groceries” on a Sunday and stand in a line behind 7 morons. That being said, if I’m getting enough stuff to need a cart (the smallest cart they have), then the cart return is about 2 feet away from my car. That seems like a good thing…yet the nervous nellies are completely disregarding this benefit and treating it like a bad thing.
Backing Out of a Parking Spot
While we’re on the subject of parking – let me get throw this one out there. You are a MORON if you are backing out of a parking spot into the traffic lane.
You see that idiot up there? 
You see what he’s doing? He’s not just backing out. He’s causing 3 other cars to slam on their brakes and two mothers to furiously grab the arm of their child walking through the parking lot. All because he can’t see where the hell he’s going. He can’t see where he’s going because he voluntarily decided to be lazy and pull headfirst into his parking spot.
WHY DO YOU PEOPLE DO THIS. I think the moment I figured out that it made more sense to back into my parking spot was sometime between having my learners permit and my license. Yet we have 70 year olds with 1/2″ thick glasses backing up into parking garage drive aisles.
If you’re not with me on this one then maybe I can sell you on some logic. I realize that in both instances, you have to put the car into reverse. But the difference is that when I back into a parking spot I know that I’m backing into an empty parking spot. And when the soccer mom with 4 screaming children is backing out, she has zero clue what she’s backing out into.
Here is the argument for each case in a nutshell:
- Backing into parking spot
- Safer
- Saves time (invest a few seconds upfront to avoid the excess time spent dicking around on the way out where you have to wait for other cars and pedestrians)
- No awkward standoffs. You don’t have to suffer through that painful thing where you start to back out, then jam your brakes when you see an oncoming car who will then wait 5 seconds for you to do something before you both simultaneously decide to go, then repeat the process.
- Get the difficult part over with first. Your departure is stress free. Crack open a traveler and be on your way. You have nothing to worry about.
- You dramatically reduce your chances of striking a small child with your vehicle.
- Backing out of parking spot
- You get to your destination 5 seconds quicker
I’m sticking with team ‘back into the parking space.’ If you don’t care to join me, that’s not an issue. It just means you are garbage.