This series is LONG overdue considering I’m like 50 posts in and the name of our website is ‘That’s Garbage.’ So my apologies on the tardiness. This topic was the bread-and-butter of our podcast. It’s also the bread-and-butter of life. You see something you don’t like? Garbage. Something piss you off? Trash. Pet peeve? Garbaggio. You have an obligation to call these things out for what they truly are – GARBAGE!
Hit the music Mike Ditka!
Good lord…I feel like that is a 2015 take that would land Mike in some serious hot water if delivered in 2020. But nonetheless, the man gave us his opinion. And his opinion is that Al Jazeera is garbage!! *I genuinely wonder if he got Al Jazeera confused with TMZ or Deadspin. Would not surprise me.*
So for the format of Garbage Dump, I will probably drop a few quick hitters at a time. I’ll provide some background if necessary, but these should be pretty self-explanatory. If I say it’s garbage, you’re going to agree with me that it’s garbage. And if you don’t – you’re garbage.
Electric Hand Dryers
Zero. That’s how many times I have ever walked away from a hand dryer with dry hands. ZERO.
I’m considering starting a company that specializes in replacing hand dryers with paper towel dispensers. I could have 5 million employees and the demand would still outweigh my supply. I thought an electric hand dryer was a good idea for a total of 5 seconds during my lifetime. It was the first time I ever saw one in a bathroom. I was walking towards it and thought “oh cool, no need for paper towels.” Then after a few seconds of using it I realized it was basically a wall mounted box that wastes electricity.
Serious question – how long would you have to rub your hands together under that XLERATOR for your hands to be dry? Bonus question – is your answer less than the amount of time your hands would dry naturally by allowing the water to evaporate at room temperature?
The only thing these bad boys are good for is spreading germs, forcing you to rub your hands on your pants, and pissing you off. They’re garbage.
Axe Throwing
“You guys want to head down to a warehouse and pay $100 to throw some axes?” Nope, I’m good thanks!
I’ve never done this. I’ve never considered doing this. I pray to god I will never be in a situation where I have to do this. I know everything I need to know about this dumbass attraction (I refuse to call it a sport) just by looking at that picture.
Your buddy that brings “lets go axe throwing” to the table is the same guy who never lifted a finger when he was a kid and now he’s battling that wannabe macho man complex. Well buddy let me tell you this – while your mother was pouring you lemonades some of us were spending our entire childhoods axe throwing. Except instead of beer, friends, and throwing it was freezing temperatures, my brothers, and chopping firewood. You think I’m kidding? I swear to god one year for Christmas my dad wrapped up an axe-maul in his finest holiday gift paper and gave it to me and my brother as a joint present. We just stared at him with blank faces and he said “you guys were always complaining about that broken maul!”
I actually forgot about that broken maul until right now as I’m writing this. That’s very concerning in hindsight. We would use this maul to chop wood that had a broken off and half-ass reattached head on it. And every once in a while it would come flying off mid-swing. But that firewood wasn’t going to cut itself and you never know when your natural gas supply that heats your home might dry up!
Chalk me down for a hard pass on your axe throwing invitations from now til the year 2080. And please know that if I ever find myself in some bachelor party situation where I’m forced to go, I’ll be the guy standing in the corner rooting for this to happen:
Doors that Require an Adjustment to Lock the Deadbolt
I’m fairly certain this falls into the pet peeve category. But I CAN NOT stand when you have to dick around with a door in order to turn the key and lock the deadbolt. You know what I mean? You have to pull the door or pick up on the handle in order for the bolt to find its way into the slot. I’ll set the over/under at 67% of doors with deadbolts have this problem. Maybe thats a little high, but it’s more than half for sure. Have any of you carpenters or handymen ever actually tested the fucking thing after you installed it?
I guess it goes back to the single greatest piece of advice my dad ever gave me when I asked him why we don’t have the guy from Sears install our dishwasher. “Who do you trust more to install this dishwasher correctly, Snake? You and me, or the kid that Sears will send over here who just got off his skateboard yesterday?”
