Be honest, when was the last time you laughed at a “69” reference? By all accounts it’s a silly and immature joke, but every once in a while it hits and it’s undeniably funny. You can’t stand in line at Wawa and hear the woman behind the counter yell out “Order 069!” without at least taking a quick scan of the room. And you know damn well during that scan if you lock eyes with someone – you are both going to break into a smile. It’s a beautiful moment. Two people from potentially very different backgrounds sharing an involuntary laugh over a stupid 69 joke.
One time I ordered a drink from Starbucks and the guy at the reggie rang me up for $4.20 on the dot. I did everything in my power to keep my cool, but my eyes couldn’t help but to drift up and look at the guy. I HAD to know whether that transaction amount had also set off the alarm bells in his head. I’ll never forget it. I stuck my card in the chip thingy, looked up and we each had 1/4 smiles on our face. Both of us immediately burst into laughter. None of the other people behind the counter thought it was funny and no one else in line thought it was funny. Of course, the only logical explanation for that is because they didn’t hear it. The bottom line is neither of us wanted to laugh right then and there, but we weren’t given a choice.
All of that being said – I have an inexplicable ability to look down upon two specific groups of people.
- Those people that try and force a cheap laugh out of a 69 situation. Like the guys on twitter who race to their keyboards to type “nice” after a 69 reference. Low hanging fruit.
- Football players who clearly made the conscious choice to don the jersey #69.
I am 100% admitting that I am not better than these people, but I like to try and convince myself that I am. This blog WILL NOT be discussing the guys that fall into category #1. Personally, I think that joke was dead before it started. And if an 80 year old senile guy is in on the joke then perhaps it’s just not that funny.
The Gallup Poll just announced that 69% of our great citizens expect their finances to improve next year, a 16 year high. Nice!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 13, 2019
This blog WILL be about the meatheads that fall into category #2. I spent basically all 8 hours of my commute this week half-listening to a podcast with Joe Rogan and Post Malone. At one point during my daydreaming I heard Post Malone bring up Brock Lesnars jersey number. Which of course is #69. It begs the question – has there ever been a more predictable #69 jersey number in all of sports? It got my wheels turning. Sitting there thinking about all of the guys that have rocked #69 in football. Jared Allen, David Bahkteri (i’ll look up the sp later). Mark Schlereth. Jon Runyan. You getting the picture yet?? It’s all the same goddam guy.
My brother and I have had this conversation probably 10 times. We play out the scenario on how a guy like Jared Allen ends up with that jersey number. Here’s one thing I know for sure. No athlete who has ‘start in the nfl caliber’ talent has EVER, EVER been assigned the jersey #69. That’s a fact. If you are great at football they aren’t handing you that jersey. The general manager of an NFL franchise doesn’t tap the equipment manager on the shoulder and go “hey give that center we grabbed in the 2nd round jersey #69 and tell him he doesn’t have a choice because he is a rookie”
Here’s my completely made up reenactment of how i think it REALLY goes down:
*Group of lineman standing in a line waiting to choose jersey numbers*
“Next!” – Equip Manager
*Jared Allen walks up*
“What number would you like. I have 53, 58, 64, 67, 69, 71, 7-” – EM
“Did you say 69?” – JA, interrupting
“Yes. I have that one as well as all the others I listed. That one hasn’t been worn in years.” – EM
“Shit I don’t care. If you’re going to twist my arm I’d do it.” -JA
“No there are plenty of other options you definitely don’t need to choose that one. On second thought I don’t know if management wants that to be included in the list. I don’t even know if we send that jersey to print.” -EM
“Screw it man I’ll take it. Haha. Who cares, it’s just a stupid jersey number! No one will even notice it.” -JA, clearly wanting the jersey and getting nervous that his request is in jeopardy
“Okayyy….I’ll uh, have to talk to management and make sure we can do that.” -EM
That’s how it goes down. Or at least I know that version is more truthful than the version where these guys say “that’s just what they gave me at training camp!”
So let’s get to the list. I’ll throw down the candidate and then do a quick breakdown that proves they intentionally chose the jersey #69.
Jared Allen – #69
Aside from providing the greatest SNF opening of all time, Jared Allen sported #69 for 13 strong years and on 4 different teams. Do I need to provide any additional proof that he was obviously choosing the jersey for himself?
A farmboy with a mullet who grew up on a horse ranch, went to Idaho State University, and has the triple DUI on his record? Yeah, sign him up for #69.
David Bakhtiari – #69
Again, take one look at that guy and tell me what number you think he’s going to grab off the rack. He hasn’t had the opportunity of changing teams like Allen had, but let’s take a look back at the 2013 roster when he snagged the number.
FYI offensive lineman – specifically offensive tackles, have the option of choosing any number between 60-79. Though there have been instances of other tackles who have been exceptions to the rule wearing 50-59. But let’s just assume he had those above options. That means he turned down 60, 63, 66, 68, 72, 73, 75, and 77. It’s not like he didn’t have his pick of the litter. It’s scientifically proven that #60 and #66 are both 1000 times cooler than #69. I see zero reason to pass on those two options.
And after one quick look at this guys instagram – it’s very apparent that he craves attention. “Think this guys in love with himself?”
Hey man did you happen to grow your hair out? I hadn’t noticed after the 9th time you told me about it so by all means keep hammering the point home. #FLOWGAME
Oh and would ya look at that. Smells like definitive proof! ↓↓↓
Case closed. This dude is in love with his hair and he’s in love with his jersey number.
Mark Schlereth – #69
You mean to tell me the guy that has bragged about pissing his pants on the field wore #69? Shocker!
Pissed my pants ever game https://t.co/AELI6HpfGS
— mark schlereth (@markschlereth) September 14, 2019
So a grown man that enjoys pissing himself. So what? That doesn’t mean he chose that jersey number right? Wrong. We have ourselves another Jared Allen situation.
Again – you change teams and you “coincidentally” end up with that number twice? No shot. And flash forward to today and this guy is on fox sports giving me his expert football analysis? Nope, I’m all set. Thanks though Mark. I’ll give you a call if I need any underwear recommendations.
Jon Runyan – #69, #79 (not by choice)
I was actually debating on whether or not to toss Jon Runyan on this list when I was reminded that he was legit elected to the House of Representatives. That’s like something out of a comedy film. Real life version of Louie Lastik who wears #69 becomes a man of the people!
And just in case you are wondering…yes it was choice.
And just in case you are wondering…yes the #69 was already taken in San Diego in 2009. I’m guessing that’s the reason that caused the guy to retire after 5 games. “I just don’t look forward to putting my jersey on anymore.”
Richie Incognito – #62, #64, #68
WTF???? If someone had gave me the choice to bet my life savings whether Richie Incognito had worn #69, I’d be one broke SOB right now. I have vivid memories of Richie on the raiders running the 69 in full force. Shoving people around after the whistle and pounding his chest. Color me confused. But while we’re here, let me throw out a couple gems from his bullying scandal.
Nothing like a little brotherly love!
And a little locker room talk never hurt anybody!
Ok lets get back to some 69s.
Brock Lesnar – #69
There it is. The reason I wake up in the morning. You gotta find those select few things in life that make you happy. For me – it’s family, alcohol, dogs, and guys like Brock Lesnar throwing on the #69 and attempting to play football with zero coordination and fundamentals.
I’m aware the NFL will block me from embedding that video but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE go to Youtube and watch it. If you have a decent sense of humor you will laugh the entire time. A steroided out wrestler in an XXL helmet trying to bullrush real NFL linemen and getting manhandled all the way up until his one shining moment – a preseason tackle. All the while doing it in jersey #69. It’s like someone on the Vikings knew people like me existed and coordinated this whole thing for our viewing pleasure.
Dan Fike – #69
Who in the hell is Dan Fike?? No clue. But if that picture above didn’t prove that he is the guy giggling in the locker room as he puts on his #69 jersey then these ones below will:
“69……….Guard-Tackle”
We have reached the end of this blog. I’m sure I could run down the ProFootball stats and provide you with an infinite amount of Dan Fikes, but you get the picture at this point. And what is the point? The point is – sometimes that guy from your highschool locker room who humps doorknobs and parades around in his jockstrap is a really good football player. So good that he makes it all the way to the NFL, where he parades around in a #69 jersey.
