WEEK 2 IS HERE. POSITIVE UNITS AGAIN! UCLA CASHES! UCLA ML CASHES!
CUE THE GODDAM LA FRAT BROS!
CODY. BELLINGER. CRUSHED.
— MLB (@MLB) October 19, 2020
The @Dodgers take a Game 7 lead. 😱 #NLCS pic.twitter.com/Nd5WQFtypu
This would piss Nick Saban off, but we’re going to bask in the glory of another winning week. Thanks to some key performances by UCLA, Georgia, and my beloved Nittany Lions – I managed to sneak away with another 5.65 units.
🏈 CFB WEEK 1 RECAP 🏈
Some thoughts on the games in no particular thought-out order:
- Penn State scoring me 10 units saved my ass. Credit to me and my buddies in the stands for willing us to victory. (Per usual the refs tried to take that one away from us but they can’t. Sorry boys. We win. You lose. “Cause you know you lose!”)
- Penn State and Georgia MONEYLINE actually cashing at 6:1 will allow me to die in peace on my death bed. We all should have seen this one coming. Just like the old saying goes…defense wins
championshipssemi-meaningless Week 1 games.
JAQUAN BRISKER ARE YOU KIDDING ME???! pic.twitter.com/IPxaNudv15
— Onward State (@OnwardState) September 4, 2021
🚨 74-YARD PICK-SIX 🚨
— Sports Illustrated (@SInow) September 5, 2021
CHRISTOPHER SMITH INTERCEPTS DJ UIAGALELEI AND PUTS GEORGIA ON THE BOARD! #GODAWGS
(via @espn)pic.twitter.com/UjcgNFEVLR
- Coach O is a dumbass and LSU is not good. UCLA on the other hand is good. I told you this. I’m sure I will tell you this again at some point.
- The Notre Dame game was great, but never in a million years did I think it would play out like that. Hand up.
- Never in a trillion years did I think Texas would blow out my guys from ULL. Hand up again.
- UNC lost to Virginia Tech. I’m still trying to process that.
- Duke lost to fucking Charlotte. Charlotte. A team called the Charlotte 49ers. Are you even listening to me? It’s Charlotte. Let me show you what came up when I just googled Charlotte 49ers coach. Just so everyone is on the same page:
- My 10 point parlay teaser was a -110 bet and it had multiple losers in it. I couldn’t do that again if I made it my life’s mission. Thanks again UNC.
- My 4 way parlay where I was positive I could take 4 heavy favorites straight up was also a big loser. Thanks again UNC. (And thanks again Travman for your 1:1 crap I’m never doing that again.)
- Cheat Carroll Parlay going 2-5 is a tough look. But hey, maybe this week. Why not us?
That’s my Week 1 recap. Am I really going to sit here and complain after coming out ahead for the second week in a row?
And even better news – I have like 7000 plays for this week. I don’t even know what happened when I started picking. I lost my mind. It turned straight up dangerous. If you are a friend of mine I need you to avoid mentioning anything about the 2021 Week 2 Snaker’s Dozen to my wife from now until the end of time because if she caught wind she would divorce me and my upcoming 16-29 record. Probably not the smartest financial move on my part.
Can you imagine if my mortgage lender knew I was doing this type of shit?
Rule Check before we rattle off Week 2!
The Rules of Sports Gambling by Snaker’s Dozen:
Rule #1 – You are due.
Rule #2 – See Rule #1.
Rule #3 – When it starts to hurt, turn up the dial. More units. Also, see Rule #1.
🏈 CFB WEEK 2 WINNERS 🏈
Kansas @ Coastal Carolina OVER 52 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
Kicking off Friday night with the rematch from last year’s stunning upset. I checked with the research department and Kansas was roughly a 7 point favorite ahead of this game last year. And we all know how that ended up.
This game featured 61 points last year and that was before Coastal Carolina anointed themselves the greatest team on earth. It’s probably safe to assume Kansas is going to turn the ball over 17 times again so I imagine we will see plenty of scoring opportunities.
And if you don’t think Grayson McCall and Jamey Chadwell are going after that total themselves then you are out of your mind.
PS – on paper I feel like an underdog athletic QB with a mullet should be very likeable. But something about this kid pisses me off.
UTEP @ Boise State OVER 55.5 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
Let the Friday night OVERs continue. Both these teams scored over 30 points last week and the research department just stumbled across a picture of UTEPs QB:
Now THAT is what I’m talking about. Step aside Grayson McCall. Gavin Harrison threw for 400+ and 4 TDs last week and I can tell you for a fact his mullet is genuine. He’s dead serious with that thing and I love him for it.
In all seriousness I’m praying that UTEP chucks the ball all around the yard and Boise State is forced to try and keep up with the pace. And last but not least, this is an over….so lets root for FOOTBALL.
Illinois @ Virginia UNDER 55 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
I’m not too well versed with the Illinois and UVA football programs this season, but I do know that an 11:00 AM game featuring the Fighting Illini should never have a total above 50.
I wanted to make an Artur Sitkowski joke here and use him as another data point why this total will be low, but I have just discovered that he has been playing out of his mind this season. Just slightly better than his 4 TDs and 18 picks back in 2018.
Western Kentucky +7.5 @ Army (-120) // RISK 1.2 to WIN 1.0
Call me crazy but I’m having a hard time picturing the Army defense matching up well with an offense that threw 7 touchdowns last week.
Also – these teams have played 3 times throughout history and Western Kentucky is 3-0 straight up. Feel free to sprinkle the moneyline.
Oregon +14.5 @ Ohio State (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
I’m guessing you don’t get rich betting against Ohio State, but I don’t give a shit. If Oregon and Minnesota played each other I’d expect to see Oregon win by 10 points.
I have no choice but to roll with the transitive property on this one.
Tulsa +13 @ Oklahoma State (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
One time I walked into a bar in Pittsburgh and the bartender looked at our very large and very young group of people and said “I’m just going to go ahead and assume that everyone in here is 21.” It’s kind of a brilliant move if you think about it. I’m sure the CCTV footage of him holding his arms up in the air and stating that will prove his innocence in a court of law.
So for this game, “I’m just going to go ahead and assume that Tulsa still has a nasty defense.” In last year’s game they held Oklahoma State to 16 total points (and that included 13 of them coming in the 4th quarter).
Plus I LOVE the fact that this is an in-state rivalry game down south. If you can drive from one school to the other in less than 2 hours, then everyone knows that the game could go either way.
And remember – you can’t hold me accountable for this pick if it goes wrong because I’m on record ASSUMING Tulsa’s defense is still solid.
Purdue -33.5 @ UConn (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
UConn is giving us no choice but to bet against them every week until they can prove that they can cover.
Unrelated question – is your head coach announcing his retirement at the end of the season just to get shitcanned one day later a bad thing?
NEW: Randy Edsall has instead stepped down immediately as head coach. Defensive coordinator Lou Spanos will take over as interim head coach.
— Chris Vannini (@ChrisVannini) September 6, 2021
Edsall had said yesterday he would see out the season.
Ball State @ Penn State -22.5 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
Ball State @ Penn State OVER 57.5 (-110) // RISK 2.2 to WIN 2.0
I’m living and dying with Penn State with my heart every week so why not add some financial stress. Besides, I owe it to these kids after they won me 10 units last weekend.
Ball State beat a team named the Western Illinois Leathernecks by a score of 31-21 last week. What do you think the score would have been if Penn State played those guys at home? I’ll take my chances with the Nits.
And if you don’t think Sean Clifford is reading all the nasty tweets about Penn State’s offense you’re insane. This guy is going to come out with something to prove and he will be huckin’ it deep late in the 4th quarter. If there’s anything I know that Clifford likes it’s padding his stats. Well, padding his stats and rocking arm sleeves at the bar after the games.
JUMP AROUND…YOU UP @badgerbarstool @ChampsPennState @seancliff14 pic.twitter.com/FLkUaWqOpE
— Barstool Penn State (@PSUBarstool) September 5, 2021
Buffalo +14.5 @ Nebraska (-130) // RISK 1.3 to WIN 1.0
Buffalo MONEYLINE @ Nebraska (+400) // RISK 0.5 to WIN 2.0
Nebraska doesn’t deserve to be favored by two touchdowns against anyone on earth. Don’t be shocked if they outright lose this game.
Remember what I said in Week 0 – Scott Frost is getting shitcanned midseason when they are staring at a 2-6 record.
Air Force @ Navy UNDER 40.5 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
The last time I caught wind of the service academy UNDER statistics it was something like 35-10 since 2005.
The audacity of these sports books to put this total out in the 40s is mind boggling. I swear to god if it was anything above 21.5 I was taking it.
Ah I missed college football. Gamblers across the country racing to their virtual ticket booths to lock in their Navy points total under bets. A tradition unlike any other.
Iowa +4.5 @ Iowa State (-120) // RISK 1.2 to WIN 1.0
Iowa MONEYLINE @ Iowa State (+170) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 1.7
Iowa @ Iowa State UNDER 46.0 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
I’m a bit confused on where the world went wrong and assumed that Iowa State was the greatest thing since sliced bread. You know what Iowa State is? They are OK. They’re not bad. They’re fine.
Let’s not get out of hand and make them 4 point favorites over a blueblood in Iowa. Quite frankly – Iowa leads this series 45-22 and I was much more impressed with Iowa’s win last week than I was with Iowa State’s. Give me Iowa with the points. And you know what…cue the sirens!
🚨 WRONG TEAM IS FAVORED ALERT 🚨
Give me that Iowa Moneyline! And lastly, give me that Under because we are talking about a football game between two Iowa teams being played in Iowa at 4:30 in the afternoon.
At the end of the day I can justify all 3 of these picks with a little piece of advice Jerm once said about Brock Purdy. “He’s Purdy bad.”
Houston @ Rice UNDER 53.5 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
I’m looking at two shitty QBs. One of them looks like he should be on TikTok and the other one looks like he’s going to try and sell me insurance. Yeah, I’ll take the under please.
App State +9 @ Miami (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
I should probably incorporate “bet against Miami” into the Rules of Sports Gambling by Snaker’s Dozen. Year after year after year I watch Miami, FSU, and Nebraska get some asinine ranking put next to their name and then everyone scratches their heads when the team starts out 3-4 with 2 cupcake wins.
Liberty MONEYLINE @ Troy (-200) // RISK 2.0 to WIN 1.0
Liberty @ Troy OVER 61.0 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Fire up the Hugh Freeze decrepit legs picture!!!
I still don’t know what’s going on in that picture (and I’m sure I never will) but I’m going to continue to ride with my guy Hugh. He might handle those 61 points solo dolo.
Texas @ Arkansas +7.5 (-120) // RISK 1.2 to WIN 1.0
Remember that thing I said about Miami where I’m just going to conitnue to bet against them? Let’s do that for Texas too.
Also you gotta love Arkansas’ psycho coach.
Missouri MONEYLINE @ Kentucky (+175) // RISK 1.0 to WIN 1.75
Did anybody else see Will Levis firing the ball downfield 70 yards a pop last week?
Will Levis' last 2 throws:
— SEC Network (@SECNetwork) September 4, 2021
🎯 Touchdown
🎯 Touchdown@UKFootball 🍌 pic.twitter.com/eRuFeiV5jo
As someone that watched Levis get his share of opportunities only to fumble the job back to Sean Clifford…I expect him to falter in this game. Don’t bother with the spread, Mizzou was an up-and-comer last time I checked and I think they pull off a win here.
Washington @ Michigan UNDER 48.5 (-110) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 1.0
Oh my god what a shitty, boring game. You couldn’t pay me to watch this. Just kidding, that’s literally what I’ll be doing from 8pm-11pm on Saturday. I’ll be getting paid 1 unit to watch the Washington Huskies lose to Michigan by a score of 17-23.
Maybe the world’s worst offensive coordinator in John Donovan will manage to take some heat off Jim Harbaugh during this contest.
Stanford +17.5 @ USC (-120) // RISK 1.2 to WIN 1.0
Principle play. Does Stanford have an ounce of pride in them? 17 point underdogs to a USC team that hasn’t competed for serious ramifications in 10 years.
“DO YOU HAVE ANY PRIDE DANNY? DO YA DANNY!?”
But seriously, c’mon David Shaw. Let’s show a little bit of pride and keep this thing within 17.
Hawaii @ Oregon State OVER 64 (-110) // RISK 2.2 to WIN 2.0
Do I really need to provide any insight on this? I’m going to be wide awake at 1:00 AM during halftime with a heavy buzz on the phone with Trav discussing whether we should continue to live bet the total in the second half. Shortly after the game concludes I will lay in bed riddled with anxiety thinking about all of the money I lost and referring to myself as a “stupid son of a bitch.”
But I’ll be damned if I ever lay off a Hawaii Over.
PARLAY #1 (-120) // RISK 1.2 to WIN 1.0
A Friday night Over teaser! I like both these games straight up so why not slap em together and tease em by a healthy TD. What could go wrong?
PARLAY #2 (+227) // RISK 1.1 to WIN 2.5
I already showed you Brock Purdy Bad and Hugh Freeze’s legs. Easy Money.
LONGSHOT CHEAT CARROLL ‘WHY NOT US’ PARLAY (+24800) // RISK 0.5 to WIN 124.0
Goodness gracious that’s a dumb parlay, but I can talk myself into every one of them. If Tulsa, Oregon, or Buffalo won I would not be surpised. If all 3 of them won – I’d be extremely goddam surprised.
But the best thing about throwing together a couple underdog parlays is that it only takes a few games to build yourself a 250:1 shot.
Oh and yes I had to throw in the Hawaii Over for good measure. That kicks off late nite so I could always hedge if need be.
I hope everyone enjoys some college football this weekend and puts a little extra coin in their pockets. Go Penn State and long live the Snaker’s Dozen!