This week I am calling out the final boss level of all baseball guys: Bryce Harper.
What is a baseball guy you ask? I’ll tell you.
A baseball guy is a guy who will tell you he plays baseball. He’s a guy that is constantly wearing a flat brim hat and rope necklace. He has sunglasses with him but he’s never actually worn them over his eyes. They sit atop the brim of his hat. He constantly has a chew in. He has an upper body that belongs on Hugh Jackman and a lower body that belongs on Hugh Freeze. He probably has a mullet (if he pitches he definitely has a mullet along with ridiculous facial hair and/or goggles).
Essentially, a baseball guy is a guy who is super insecure and copying all of the other baseball guys in an effort to not be exposed as a non-baseball guy. He is the epitome of ‘monkey see, monkey do.”
So like I said – I want all you baseball guys out there to officially bow down. Because King Baseball Guy Tool Bryce Harper is here to put you to shame. And he’s here to do it with his haircuts.
(ok, maybe his hair AND his shades)
Some of these hairstyles scream “insecurity” to the point that it’s almost reached a strange level of reverse psychology where he actually is EXTREMELY SECURE if he feels comfortable rocking these douchebag haircuts.
He can’t possibly be unaware of how he received by the general public. I mean….cornrows?? Seriously??
If THIS GUY is calling you a douche…
then you have officially graduated to TOOL status.
But don’t take the guy who’s nicknamed after a fictional comic book character’s word for it. Let’s run through a few of our favorite Bryce Harper tool moments. And let’s start with this recent SportsCenter tweet that inspired me to write this. Brace for the cringe!
Four years ago today: Bryce Harper vs. Hunter Strickland 😳pic.twitter.com/2ELNLMmexR
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) May 29, 2021
Let’s start from the top.
Can we quickly touch on how fucking dumb of a sport baseball is? “Hey one of your guys did something good in the last game we played like 3 years ago and we are still upset about it so instead of trying to throw strikes I’m going to take this baseball and throw it at you as hard as I possibly can.”
DUMB. DUMB DUMB DUMB. This sport is dumb. If you are intentionally beaning someone with a baseball the retaliation should be the following:
The game temporarily halts and the pitcher and batter swap roles for a single pitch. Except instead of pitching from the mound, the batter (who is now the pitcher) is allowed to take as many steps towards home plate as he wants and then he’s allowed to throw the ball wherever he wants. And I’m praying to god he takes a 7 step crow-hop and proceeds to throw it point blank into the pitchers face.
And just to clarify my stance. It’s equally as stupid for the batter to then rush the pitcher after he’s been hit by a pitch. Dude he just gave you a free base. FREE. You get to go to first and you did nothing. In the words of Brad Moneyball Pitt “He’s just giving it to you.” So don’t bother throwing a benches clearing hissy-fit and just take your base.
So the hissy-fit has been initiated. Next move is to return fire. Quick – think of something you can throw back at him!
Well that was less than ideal. But now it’s time to pretend like we are going to punch each other while we wait for all our teammates to storm the field so they can all pretend like they are going to punch each other! But in reality we are all just going to stand around posturing and holding each other back so it looks cool on tv!
“Wait are you actually going to fight?? Are you actually going to throw a punch!? Please don’t.”
Oh shit we’re actually fighting. And here the pitcher has officially landed the first blow. It’s a slap direct to Bryce’s mouth.
But Bryce returns fire with this closed fist slap haymaker.
“Ok. Let’s be done before somebody actually gets clipped by one of these slap punches.”
Is it even a baseball fight if you don’t have to be fake escorted off the field by your teammate?
Correction. Is it even a baseball fight if you don’t have to be fake escorted off the field by 3 of your teammates?
So there’s two other things about this video that I refuse to let slide.
The first thing – I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE MULLETS. We got mullets galore in this brawl. Hair flying everywhere.
And the second thing actually builds off the first thing – ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THAT MULLET-ON-MULLET ASSAULT!? That’s assault brotha!!
If you blinked then you missed it. Keep your eye on the trainwreck in the top right corner here:
BOOOOM!! An unstoppable force meets an immovable object and holy shit. Do yourself a favor and watch that back at full speed. Is there anything better than tool-on-tool (mullet-on-mullet) contact at full speed?
Now that I’ve done an entire video breakdown on one stupid twitter video let’s get to Bryce’s other key bullet points.
As far as I’m concerned, the things that make him a tool are the following:
- was good at baseball from a young age and somehow skipped high school so he could race to the pros one year faster
- is one of those fake mormans where he claims he’s a big god guy but he definitely drinks coffee and booze
- enjoys fighting his own teammates
- is the biggest steryotpical bandwagon fan of the most hateable sports teams (I’m not exaggerating it’s literally the worst team in every sport)
- Ohio State
- Duke
- Dallas Cowboys
- Vegas Golden Knights (this one actually kind of makes sense because he was born in Vegas and oh by the way – of course he was born in Vegas)
- Has a stereotypical TOOL DAD
(I thought that was Dan Bilzerian at first glance but nope it’s Bryce Harper’s father going through a severe mid life crisis)
My last issue (and contributing tool factor) with Bryce Harper is that I have personally decided he is poor man’s Mike Trout. He’s like Mike Trout Lite except in addition to not performing quite as well he also comes with a bunch of annoying baggage.
And for that reason I took great humor in Mike Trout signing a contract for exactly $100 million more dollars than Bryce Harper just a few weeks later.
🚨Instagram breakdown time!! 🚨
Anddddd right off the bat I take issue with a few things. First and foremost – let’s lose the bullshit Scam Newton font. Nobody has ever looked at that nonsense and thought it was original or cool. If it’s annoying for me to read I can’t imagine what typing it feels like. The other thing that immediately comes to mind is the “Jesus Christ” story thing. Again – this tool gives off big time narcissist vibes. I highly doubt the son of god is into your haircut selfies.
I think it goes without say that if you are doing any sort of weird shit at the gym (chains, straps, chalk, gallon water jug) then you are a first-ballot tool.
I have watched this video 17 times in a row on loop and I still haven’t the slightest clue what is happening here. Why is there 3 animals but 2 cowboys? Did one cowboy fall off at the start? Did that cowboy attempt to jump from the horse on the right to the middle? Was he drunk? What the fuck are they even doing? Are they racing? Is this a bucking bronco ‘hold on for dear life’ sort of thing?
AND WHO YELLED “YEA-HAH!” Absolute gold. Please tell me that was Bryce.
There it is! Never forget the golden rule boys and girls – a tool will ALWAYS go the extra mile to flex on the haters by exposing their oversized watch. “Oh shit I didn’t even realize my watch was showing…I always pose like I’m in the middle of a hammer curl whenever I get my picture taken.”
Somehow more corny than the first pic.
It’s hard to believe that someone would willingly prop their hat up on their head like that…but yet here we are (twice).
Be careful Mr. Mormon! Would hate for you to consume that sin-water.
Like father like son. The tool doesn’t fall from the tree.
That’s it for Bryce! Now if you’ll excuse me I’m about 7 weeks behind on TOTWs and I have some serious catching up to do.