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Tool of the Week: Week 50

Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls. We have reached our 50th and final installment of Tool of the Week.

It is with a heavy heart that I am retiring this segment. What started as a fun little thing about some jersey shore dickhead on twitter has turned into me writing novels about people I absolutely despise. I don’t think it’s fair to my blood pressure to continue doing this. In short – I am simply TOOL’d out. I can’t handle any more tools. The world is a rising tide of Tools and I am a man with a shovel trying to build a seawall. What else can I say? I am throwing in the towel. The Tools are relentless. The Tools are victorious.

For the sake of full transparency, lets call this a Brett Favre retirement. I may or may not wipe the tears out of my eyes before jogging back out on the field and throwing for 300 and 3 tds like the true narcissist I am. In case you didn’t understand that analogy….I’m telling you that if someone acts like a huge fucking tool then I’m probably just going to blog TOTW #51 like its no big deal. Maybe we will even make that our running joke. This installment will no longer occur on a weekly basis, but I’ll continue to refer to it as “of the Week’ (which is what I’ve been doing anyway).

Now without further adieu, let’s get to our grand master of all grand masters. It’s Tool of the Week 50, Darren Rovell !!!!!

Look at that shit eating grin. It’s only fair that I wrap this segment up with the biggest tool in the history of the sports industry. Darren Rovell SUCKS. And he knows he sucks, but somehow he thinks that makes him not suck. 

First things first. Who the hell is this guy? I’m guessing your perspective on Darren is similar to mine – you’ve always known about Darren Rovell. In fact, you probably know more about Darren Rovell than you ever wanted to know. Yet somehow I still have no clue what his job is. He’s not an anchor. He’s not a commentator. He’s not a sports analyst. He’s no more of a writer than I am.

Lets settle this shit once and for all and look at his job title on LinkedIn.

Elephant in the room – that “Partner at Tastemaker Capital” looks phony as shit. He probably invested into a couple companies and him and one of his dickhead buddies felt compelled to create an LLC. This is the sort of shit that makes Darren Rovell a tool. The guy thinks he’s WAY more important than he really is. This stunt would be the equivalent of me putting “Owner at Microsoft” on my LinkedIn because I currently own 7 shares of the company.

(Full disclosure – I unknowingly tried to join this “Tastemaker Capital” partnership a few months back by asking to invest in Athletic Brewing and Darren slammed the door in my face.)

Taking a page out of Billy Madison’s book, a simple “You can’t” would have been fine. I don’t understand why he had to bury me with that over-inflated evaluation.

Taking another peek at his LinkedIn…I’ve never heard of a bigger downgrade in my life than leaving ESPN for The Action Network. It’s safe to assume this tool is making an amount of money with The Action guys that ESPN would have laughed out loud at. 

And I will concede that the job title of “Sports Biz Reporter,” while extremely douchey sounding, does make quite a bit of sense. If you locked me in a room for an hour and told me to guess what his job title was while waterboarding me I would eventually arrive at some sort of sports business/finance reporter. So that’s all well and fine. 

But keep in mind this is TOTW. And Darren Rovell has somehow taken the delusional stance that he is one of the only people in the history of earth to ever cover the business of sports. He’s also in rarified air by working at ESPN and CNBC.

“Literally.”

Crazy enough some guy named Bryan was quick to respond to his former colleague Darren. He seems to be on the lookout for the other person to work for both companies.

To this date, the third member of this exclusive club is not publicly known. I’ve got a hunch that if we took a look at Bryan’s Call of Duty online gaming team we could dig up the other guy.

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So that’s present-day Darren in a nutshell. Covering sports business shit in the most arrogant and egotistical way humanly possible. Arguing with trolls on twitter. Waving $500 mil evaluations in the face of grown ass men who can only afford 7 shares of Microsoft. 

Now let’s regroup. In order to fully understand the level of TOOL that comes with Darren Rovell, we need to take a look from start to finish. Fortunately for me and my research team, I am able encapsulate Darren’s entire childhood with one tweet.

That’s everything I need to know. THAT is how you grow up to be a wannabe Wall Street douche working for ESPN and reporting on the YOY revenue of chili sales at the Chicago Cubs concession stand.

  • Wealthy Long Island upbringing ☑️
  • Paying a celebrity to come to his bar mitzvah ☑️
  • Braces ☑️
  • Nerdy baseball tie ☑️
  • Pocket square ☑️
  • Jacket buttoned up like a maximum security prison  ☑️
  • Flamboyant haircut ☑️
It’s all making sense now.

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Rovell’s mom and dad were probably pumping him full of twinkies and “it’s OK hunny”s from the day he was born. Entitled would be an understatement.

And with entitlement comes snideness. And arrogance. And toolness. And so many other ‘ness’es.

So I want to hit on a couple examples of him being a snide bastard. But I have found so many other offenses of him being a Tool that I feel the need to categorize all of these and provide data points one by one. By the end of this comprehensive list I can say with certainty that Darren will reign as the GOAT of all TOTWs.

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Darren Being a Snide Bastard

fat

Under different circumstances, I would say this joke is funny. It’s probably too funny for Darren not to have stolen from some random twitter user with an egg avi and a 69 in his handle. But heres the thing…that man is so obese that he has surpassed the window of “fair game.” I genuinely feel bad for that dude. You don’t get that large without some disorder shit going on. And Darren Rovell is ALWAYS the ‘look-at-me, look-at-me’ guy when the mental health conversation comes up. So it seems a bit odd to be cracking fat jokes about this fella.

Naturally he went with the ‘delete the tweet and issue an apology written by the company PR guy’ route. 

Here’s another one I found a bit strange:

I’m not entirely sure what this tweet was driving at, but my guess is that he thinks this list of Covid cases incriminates southern states of not taking the mask wearing serious enough. 

Pretty ironic that the self-proclaimed data genius didn’t bother to look at this on a per capita basis.

Almost as ironic as the ongoing narrative that the southeast got hammered by Covid.

Somebody please explain to me how Florida, Alabama, Louisiana, and Texas never took the pandemic seriously but didn’t crack the Top Ten of this list. 

But hey, if you live under that 40 degree latitude line then Darren Rovell and his Northwestern education is just smarter than you. Plain and simple.

And another..

Other than taking an unsolicited shot at Johnny Manziel (who is clearly having a tough time) what would be the point of this tweet? I guarantee Darren thought this little weasel comment would score him some easy retweets.

Thank god Johnny isn’t afraid to fire back. 

Darren Showing Zero Journalistic Integrity

Perhaps the funniest article I came across while digging up all this Rovell dirt was a story about a kid posing as an escort tricking Darren Rovell into breaking a false story about the 2011 NBA Lockout. In short, Rovell went fishing for personal stories about how the lockout was impacting businesses outside the NBA. And some dude who had nothing better going on fabricated a comical story about his escort service losing 30% of its business. In predictable fashion, our TOTW didn’t bother to verify a single thing and published a clickbait headline on CNBC.

You can read about the entire in this Deadspin article. The details within do not disappoint.

The major highlight of the story comes when the kid provided his reasoning for fabricating the story.

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Oh and don’t forget about some of Darren’s finest journalism covering the sports gambling industry. The guy relentlessly tweeted about some punkass named “Parlay Patz” for months on end. According to Rovell, this Patz guy was drilling parlays on a daily basis and living a life of luxury. And doing it all by parlaying strings of heavy favorites together.

(Spoiler alert –  this heavy favorite technique does not work. But Rovell wouldn’t know that. It’s not like he works for a gambling company.)

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The amount of success he was having seems ironic, because in the midst of all of Rovell’s coverage this Patz character was prosecuted for threatening to kill the athletes he was betting on. Seems like an odd thing to do for a guy knocking down “legendary parlays” !

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Darren Being an Insensitive Asshole

Lets kick this one off with the time Darren somehow made Bill Buckner’s death about himself.

Props to Big D for owning up to what everyone in the room was thinking – Darren enjoyed the time the Mets beat the Red Sox.

Ok this next one is very bizarre. I’m guessing most people don’t recall a Chile mining accident from 2010 (I sure don’t). So please read the below excerpt to catch yourself up to speed.

Now the important thing to mention here is that they apparently televised a rescue effort of these miners. Why on earth anyone thought that was a good idea is beyond me. But everyone in the world must have been tuned in to watch this thing including Dr. Dipshit Rovell. And here is what he felt compelled to tweet while they were pulling these poor bastards out one by one.

Thank god Twitter wasn’t around during 9/11. Darren would have been running around ground zero checking the sportcoat tags on corpses.

“There is currently $15,000 of Giorigio Armani merchandise buried within the rubble of the Twin Towers” – Darren Rovell if Twitter existed in ’01

Again, here’s a person testifying that she was sexually assaulted and yet we’re pulling advertising values out of our ass. I’m impressed with this lack of empathy.

Now this one here might be my personal favorite. “Hey smart ass” with the hand emoji is absolute GOLD.

“Your dead dad left you with the giant chore of disposing of all these junk baseball cards. Just by looking at the outside of these boxes I can tell you that they are all dogshit.” – Darren Rovell

Darren Being a Prick

This one might leave your head spinning. While I don’t have the full details, I can deduce that Darren Rovell felt he was entitled to solely cover the story of a St. Louis Blue bettor during their Stanley Cup run. Here he responds to a tweet from the Barstool Sportsbook which shared a picture of the ticket:

This insane take leads to some guy named Brody Logan detailing a similar ‘cease and desist’ run-in with Darren. And here’s the kicker…it’s about a fucking sandwich.

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THANK GOD Darren was able to rush to the ballpark and fire off his tweet about this coveted who-gives-a-shit sandwich. I can practically see him wiping the tears from his face while furiously typing out this tweet on his phone.

Darren Getting Insecure About His Social Media Influence

Apologies in advance. This section is going to result in you cringing. This is a grown man unironically firing off twitter stats. 

Insecurity is off the charts here. I can’t believe he’s actually taking the time to respond to trolls and sceenshotting his twitter analytics.

I legitimately lol’d after reading this one. “Actually unreal” is spot on. Having 2 million followers and not a single bite on a tweet is some incredible stuff.

Darren Being the Most Unathletic Person on Earth (And Not in a Fun Way)

I don’t even know where to begin with this. 

  • Does he think it’s good that his top speed coincides with the top speed of a machine that is built for jogging??
  • Why does he start in a frog crouch?? Where did he see that? Did someone tell him to do that??
  • What in the world happened between the 30 and 40 yard line???? That defied physics it was so slow. Looks like he’s a video game character who is sprinting at full speed against the invisible edge of the map. If I stood up when he was at the 30 I could have ran up into my kitchen and brewed a pot of coffee and then walked back to my computer and saw him cross the 40.

He’s trolling. He’s gotta be trolling. Nobody runs like that. Also, that’s a “BETTER” start!? I’d kill to see what the previous start looked like.

It took me a good 60 seconds to think of this comparison…but he looks EXACTLY like that conniving twerp from worst cartoon of all time. Randall Weems. To a goddam tee.

My god was that statisfying to watch. An effortless 11-0 asskicking.

Darren Being a Narc

I think it has since been suspended, but during the pandemic somebody was firing off tweets from a parody @KarenRovell account. The ironic part is Darren has proved himself to be a Karen in real life. His tweets don’t need a satirical account to expose him as a pissy patty.

There’s a special place in hell for people who jump online and say “figure out who he works for and lets get him fired.” God forbid I’m ever a CEO and get contacted by someone like Darren Rovell ratting out my employee. I would call the kid into my office and record a video of me writing him out a bonus check for $5k. And in the memo line I’d write “Go Fuck Yourself, Rat.” Then shoot it back to Rovell.

Some people watch the NFL Draft because they enjoy football. Other people watch the NFL Draft because they are sexually aroused by a can of C4 getting televised for 2 seconds. “Holy shit the ad exposure!!!”

NARC.

Dude is such a narc that he’s narc-ing by accident! His narcness is not to be trifled with.

Darren Being a Complete Effing Weirdo

I’m trying to remember that quote my dad described Tom Cruise with one time. I think it was: “guy looks like he got the shit kicked out of him in drama class.” I’d say that one applies here.

Most uncomfortable I’ve felt during the writing of this blog yet was when I saw that ugly mug and that outfit. Looks like he’s about to invite some underage women over to his hot tub.

Yep, something is genuinely wrong with this man. 

Darren Being a Dumbass

Imagine picking up bottles without reading them and ingesting them. I’m trying as hard as I can to put myself in a scenario like that. I can’t. 

good talk

“Good talk, I’ll see ya out there.”

Darren Getting Dunked On

You are going to enjoy this part. Trust me.

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Here’s a little more twitter analytics talk. But this one backfires on him hard.

These next two exchanges are what I live for. This is the type of shit that prevents me from unfollowing this jackass. Him getting stuffed in a locker is 1000% must see TV.

Locker Stuffing #1:

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Locker Stuffing #2:

Is it an overreaction for me to say that he should serve prison time for that “Yeah, um, no.” ??

And lastly, I’d be remiss not to include Dana White giving Rovell a swirly at every chance he gets.

The most accurate words that have been written during this entire blog is Dana White explaining that half a slap would KO Rovell. That ones OVER!

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I fully acknowledge that this blog is off the rails and has carried on for far too long. But it’s out of my control. Rovell does what Rovell does and that’s being a gigantic tool. And it’s my job to cover it. 

I appreciate those of you who are still here with me. At this time I’d like you all to profess your faith to the TOTW and join us by kneeling as we deep dive the instagram for the last time.

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I’ll take ‘made up conversations for 1 billion dollars, Alex Aaron!

Also – did the wig and glasses come with the photoshoot props or is that all-naturAL?

You ever just look at somebody and instantly know that you hate them? I wouldn’t give the man in that picture the time of day if he offered to interview me for 10k in cash. I’d be shocked if his legal name wasn’t “Chip” at the time of that photo.

Rovell’s Northwestern fandom is the worst thing going in all of college football. Second place isn’t close.

Need a headcount on the Halloween party that he attended and I needed it yesterday. Over/under 1.5 people recognized his costume.

Quite possibly the strangest looking 15 year-old I’ve ever seen. I might guess that persons age is 9, or I might guess its 40. Never in a million years would I have thought that human was 15.

*a few years ago* “I’m rooting for Johnny Manziel”

*August 5, 2020* “Johnny Manziel is a complete failure POS and all he does is backflips into a pool”

Gigantic miss on my part never deep-diving into the life of Marlins Man. I really ought to put a pin in that. 

Rovell and Marlins Man is a match made in heaven. I can smell the know-it-all-dickhead breath from here. Two of the strangest humans to ever walk this earth. I’d say theres a 10% chance one of these guys is in prison for diddling kids within the next 5-10 years. And between the two, the odds are dead even right now.

Most stunning moments of my life ranked:

  1. Meeting my nephew for the first time
  2. Finding out Darren Rovell has a normal looking family

SNAKES SPORTSBOOK ODDS ON DIDDLING KIDS ***UPDATED***

  • Darren Rovell -200
  • Marlins Man +140

This tool ran a marathon in 4:25? Color me confused.

If you don’t think I’m going to run a marathon for the sole purpose of beating his time and tweeting at him you are certified out of your mind.

BREAKING: Rovell thinks he is a talent scout because he identifies tall women with large breasts.

(PS – Kate Upton and Chrissy Teigen are quite possibly the two most overrated looking women on this earth and Rovell LOVES bragging about discovering them. There’s something to be said about his ability to identify bleh models)

(PSS – name a more annoying presence on twitter earth than Chrissy Teigen. You can’t.)

Time and time again the Snake ToolVision DOESN’T MISS. Tools of a feather flock together.

I TOLD YOU IT DOES. NOT. MISS!

IT’S A TOOL ON TOOL BLOODBATH. 

STOP THE FIGHT. STOP THE DAMN FIGHT. In the words of Dana White, this one is OVER!!!!

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It’s been one hell of a ride Garbageheads. I hope to be back here again someday, but as I mentioned earlier I am physically and emotionally drained from covering these Tools. I have even found myself on more than one occasion writing self-help books and snapping photos of myself as I walk by mirrors. It is for my own health and safety that I must make this decision.

TOOL ON FOREVER AND ALWAYS!

** Cue the Brett Favre waterworks! **

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PS – Never forget the man that started it all. TOTW #1.

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