It’s been some time since I featured a UFC fighter for TOTW. I haven’t checked in on our old pal Mike Perry in a little bit. Please feel free to visit my previous updates on Mike below:
Did I Call it or Did I Call it? (in regard to Mike Perry impregnating his girlfriend and setting himself up for future child support payments)
I Am So Close to Nailing My Mike Perry Prediction That I Can Almost Taste It (in regard to Mike Perry blasting his leg through a glass pane while drunk and clearly spiraling out of control)
While we’re on the subject of Mike Perry let’s quickly revisit this absolute gem of an interview:
Mike Perry is tired of these taxes, he's tryin' to wyle out, bro 😂 pic.twitter.com/FeewllL2Sn
— CJ Fogler #BlackLivesMatter (@cjzero) June 28, 2020
I’m actually impressed that a professional athlete can be so dumb that they could be unaware of the concept of hiring an accountant. So incredibly stupid that he’d be willing to give up more of his paycheck if it meant that he didn’t have to pay any taxes at the end of the year.
“Hey just cut my paycheck in half and send the other half to the IRS. They can keep the change. I’m trying to avoid paying $300 for an accountant at the end of the year and also I don’t understand the concept of interest.” – Mike Perry
And speaking of the words UFC and dumb, I think I have someone that can rival Mike Perry. That brings me to the MAAAINNN EVENT…..OF THE EVENING! It is Tool of the Week 46, Nate Diaz.
In the event that you were distracted by Bruce Buffer being the shit…check out these photos of the man tool that is Nate Diaz.
I don’t know exactly what it is about him, but Nate Diaz looks like he is ready to rip off a single digit score on an IQ test at a moments notice. I also find it remarkable how he became a successful UFC fighter given how unathletic he looks.
The only thing I can deduce is that he must be so dumb that it affects his ability to process pain. When most humans are continually pounded in the head over and over again our brain will communicate to our body that the time has come to fall to the ground and assume the fetal position. But not Nate Diaz. Take a look at exhibit A below where the ref finally calls the fight to prevent his face from falling off of his skull.
There’s only rational explanation for how someone could take that much physical damage yet also be angry for a stoppage – and that’s lack of brain power. Which makes sense. This tool has probably burned off all those brain cells via fat clouds.
Watching Nate parade around with that joint at a UFC event led me to doing some research on the background of this incident. Is that marijuana? Why is he doing it at work? Do they test for weed in the UFC?
So I found the below interview with him and as it turns out, Nate clarifies that it was just a little CBD. His job does not allow him to smoke marijuana, but he always “has to smoke on somethin.”
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!
Turns out the aforementioned CBD is actually a product sold by Nate’s business, Game Up Nutrition. He goes on to explain that Game Up Nutrition is currently selling CBD, but cannabis is “Coming soon, HA HA HA!” He also offers some brilliant insight on whether people should use marijuana in his opinion:
There you have it folks. If you are an athlete and you need to get through the day (not sure what he means by that), you should smoke some marijuana as opposed to sticking a bunch of steroids in your ass.
Sidenote – is there anything more annoying that weed guys using that copy-and-paste message board line of “It’s a natural substance, bro.” I personally am pro-cannabis (long on $CGC), but I can also recognize that you sound like a moron when you cite something as safe because it’s “naturally occurring.”
You know what else occurs in nature?
- 400 pound komodo dragons that eat their own babies
- rattlesnake venom
- arsenic
- carbon monoxide
Just to name a few. Ok, moving on!
Either this tool’s brain is operating at snail speed or he has a deep hatred for some FS1 show called UFC Tonight.
Can we recap how painful that first 45 seconds of that video was?
In response to if he is ready to field some interview questions: “Yep.”
In response to being told that it will be fun and the questions are coming whether he’s ready or not: “Bring em.”
In response to being asked if he’d like to fight in New York: “In New York? Yep, that’d be cool.”
In response to being asked if there is a particular fighter he’d like to compete against: “I don’t know. One day.”
In reponse to being asked if he which of THREE fighters he’d prefer to compete against: “Either or. I don’t know.”
In repsonse to the earlier question being repeated and being told that he HAS to pick of of the three: “Mo’ money.”
So just for good measure – I want to show one more Nate Diaz act of brilliance. Check out this pre-fight interview appearance on CNBC with Conor McGregor.
A word of advice…buckle up. There will be cringing.
If you didn’t make it to the 2:24 mark, do yourself a favor and scroll to the 2:24 mark. Our TOTW actually gets angry that he’s being asked questions about money while speaking to a CNBC host and responds with “what the fuck is this, the money channel?”
And now for one last video before we get to the instagram. We’ve got a Nate Diaz sighting in the wild!
Don’t look now but it’s a 2 for 1 TOOL special! Nate Diaz and Chet Hanks crossover video! Turns out they are both avid users of the N-bomb.
Sidenote – I have no clue if TMZ is still a show, but if it is, I suspect it has 7 viewers worldwide. What on earth is happening here? Two dudes lounging around cubicles doing a breakdown on N-word usage (one of them being 50 and white) and then they throw it to some guy holding a highlighter whose sole responsibility seems to be dissecting why white people are the worst.
How about the balls on that guy downplaying Kobe tossing around the word “faggot” to a refs face (not to mention downplaying it to a guy who is actually gay). “I’m going to give Kobe a full pass, Nate Diaz a partial pass, but Chet Hanks crossed the line!”
TMZ = TRASH
All right this blog has dragged on quite a bit. But we can’t walk away from Nate Diaz without a quick peek at the instagram. Let’s wrap up with 5 hard hitters.
“High all the time”
If any other human on earth (asides from Ricky Williams), put their caption as “high all the time,” I would call bullshit. But with Nate Diaz I would lean towards TRUE!
Consider me mildly concerned. I’d love to offer additional comments on this picture, but I’m terrified of the 17 different ways I could come across as racist. Is it acceptable to point out that his rug matches beautifully with his shoes and hat?
A) What’s with the facial expression?
B) What’s with the lipstick?
THAT. That photo is the epitome of Nate, The Tool, Diaz.
Consider me SEVERELY concerned. I’d rather see Nate Diaz post a picture of 6 pistols than a picture of switchblades, nunchucks, and samurai swords. What on earth is he cooking up behind closed doors with that kind of artillery?
That’s all folks. Live free and Tool on!!!!!
PS – I realize that it may not seem like this is the case, but I swear to god I don’t have any magical formula to picking my TOTWs. So how is it that I am constantly finding collaboration between these tools? Truth be told, I have no goddam idea. So don’t bother asking me why Nate Diaz and TOTW 7 are duking it out on a wrestling mat like they are old high school buddies.