Week 43 presents a serious internal conflict for me. This is the first TOTW who I would consider myself a casual fan of. And I guess I mean ‘casual fan’ in the sense of ‘every once in a while I see or hear a clip from this guy and I find it funny.’
Today we are breaking down former ESPN radio personality, Ryen Russillo.
ESPN's Ryen Russillo has been arrested on a "criminal entry" charge in Wyoming. https://t.co/rRpulHoeqL pic.twitter.com/ftjjeBtaTF
— Sporting News (@sportingnews) August 23, 2017
Idk about you, but when I think of Ryen Russillo – I immediately think about that god awful arrest mugshot.
Why does that picture of him look like an alternate universe Ryen Russillo whose wife left him because of his drinking problem and he’s been collecting welfare for the last 17 years. I can practically smell the cigarettes and cheetos from here.
Don’t get me wrong – that mugshot looks like me on a Sunday morning after every Penn State football weekend. The double chin, neck beard, and shirt with the collar that looks like my dog’s favorite chew toy. I’ve been there many a time.
Welp, I didn’t really plan on starting this blog off with a mugshot breakdown, but now that we’re on the subject – let’s get into the arrest itself.
@ryenarussillo story UPDATED: Officers found Russillo "lying on the bed in the south bedroom naked except for his pants around his ankles.” pic.twitter.com/7HVEDmLc1m
— JHNG Sports (@JHNGsports) August 23, 2017
Quite possibly the GOAT of all police reports right there. I highly encourage you to take the time to read all 4 of those above sentences. Between the 3rd and 4th sentence this story takes a turn from “holy shit that’s creepy” to “ok, that’s actually hilarious.”
*dark figure walks in stumbling around the room naked and bumping into shit*
“Hey sorry guys I’m going to turn the light on for a second. Just need to grab my gear.”
So for those of you who don’t know him…Russillo got his start at ESPN working with Scott Van Pelt. Together they appeared on the show SVP & Russillo. To this day I don’t specifically recall ever turning on my television and watching that show. But I DO specifically recall diagnosing this guy as a tool about 10 years ago when I saw him in action. How many guys do you know in their mid-30s who dress like they are stopping off at a frat party after work?
I’m sorry but there’s something about being bald and tossing on a New York Knicks alternate jersey that doesn’t sit right with me. Dude looks like he’s about to tell me “It’s 5 bucks for a cup bro. And 1 dollar refills.”
But like I alluded to earlier, this is where I’m conflicted. Sure he looks like a tool. But he somehow has a relatable, humble take on going bald.
Say what you want about him (I definitely will say a bunch of mean things), but he’s not afraid to lay the self-deprication on thick.
Every year can't be great. In fact, some years are downright awful.
— The Ringer (@ringer) June 7, 2019
For @ryenarussillo, that year was 2002. He explains to @BillSimmons why it was, without question, the worst year of his life. #BSPodcast pic.twitter.com/jTHxXnRXm2
I would liken that story to watching a 10-car pileup in slow motion. That thing went from bad to worse to downright depressing.
“Then my cable got shut off and I used to put in VHS tapes to watch the The Wedding Singer while I ate a sub.”
Thankfully getting that gig at ESPN really seemed to turn things around for his personal life.
I love Sunday nights, milf hunting at Chili's, I'm about to kill it out there
— Not Ryen Russillo (@RyenRussillo) October 22, 2012
Ok that may not be real, but this one is.
Caption this @ryenarussillo @CariChampion pic.twitter.com/zwy5ta9Ay4
— Jemele Hill (@jemelehill) June 4, 2014
Milf hunting at Chili’s on the weekends…and macking on coworkers Monday through Friday.
Let’s be serious, is there anything better than getting lit up at the company social event? As evident by that pic with Jemele and Cari (as well as the arrest records discussed earlier), we know Russillo is not afraid to get after the hard liquor. And this booze-at-company-events lifestyle led to one of the greatest voicemails of all time back in 2005.
Allow me to re-emphasize that this voicemail took place in 2005. Because this story takes a brief 7 year hiatus before picking up steam in 2012.
So essentially the rumor here is that Russillo confronted John Dennis after 7 years to take him up on that 2005 fight offer. You know, the one where John was going to “kick Ryen’s balls up into his head.” And “pull his ears off and stick them up his ass.”
And you gotta look at this story from our TOTW’s point of view. It’s pretty wild. Imagine training shoulders and biceps every day for 7 straight years just waiting for the moment when you get to kick your arch nemesis’ ass, just for him to stare straight ahead and not even look at you.
Thank god somebody was able to screenshot the twitter fight that ensued the following day. Here is allegedly how it went:
GREAT STUFF between a 60 year old John Dennis and a 35 year old Ryen Russillo.
MY TOP 5:
5. The image Dennis paints of a shitfaced Russillo unable to pronounce his words while Scott Van Pelt offers an apology on his behalf.
4. Dennis hashtagging “#alcholic”
3. Dennis hashtagging “#call AA” (that’s actually brilliant)
2. Russillo telling a 60 year old man to “always know” that he couldn’t take him. As if not getting into a back alley fight at the age of 60 is something that will keep him up at night.
1. Russillo challenging a 60 year man to a fight and leaving a “You in?” cliffhanger. As if it’s entirely in the other guys hands. ‘Jake Paul 101.
Live look at Russillo when he walks into the room and sees your 80 year old grandfather:
I feel like I could end this blog on the feud that took 7 years to escalate to keyboards, but I do have a couple more miscellaneous Tool Takes to get to.
Let’s start with this meathead take about Pam from The Office.
Pam...
— Russillo (@ryenarussillo) May 12, 2018
Cheated on Roy
Led Jim on for years
Jealous of Katy
Back w/ Roy but awkward about Karen
Lied to coworkers and management about Office Administrator position
Jim supported her dream, she asked him to give up on his
Harrassed Danny
Had emotional connection w/ camera man...
Yeah, I get it. Pam really turns into a debbie downer as the show goes on. But I want to know how much time he spent trying to assemble that list of complaints. I mean is he seriously reaching for the harassment of Danny Cordray? Also he starts his list off with two totally contradictory statements. If she doesn’t cheat on Roy then she would be further leading Jim on.
All in all, I don’t like the take. Pam is OK in my book. I think it’s a Tool Take. And Rainn Wilson is on my side.
Next up we have this incredible moment on Pardon My Take where Ryen loses his cool while talking bench press with a college kid. If you thought his rivalry with the 60 year old was fun, check this one out starting at 23:00.
I love how his attitude goes from “look at this idiot kid asking how much I can bench. I couldn’t care less that you can bench more than me. I’m an adult.”
And then it turns to this:
Something tells me that Russillo lost a bench press competition in high school and he’s still not quite over it. But at least he’ll always be able to say that he got behind the coverage in a beach football game and hauled in a TD over Desmond Howard.
Has anyone ever been that open in the history of sports?
