The Big 4-0! It’s TOTW #40.
Did I do anything special for #40? Nope. I decided to go with some finance tiktok douchebag I saw on instagram yesterday.
After watching one of the most egotistical short clips of all time, I went to his profile. As it turns out, this Tool was being followed by none other than our good friend, Mattural!
Thankfully, he was quick to remedy his critical mistake.
So I’ll let you be the judge. Tell me with a straight face that this dude isn’t a tool. Here is the video in question:
Oh my god I hate it so much. Imagine pacing through your home trying to record the perfect tiktok over and over again while saying “hey I know you guys are dying to find out what my net worth is!”
My top 5 most hated parts of that video:
5. Him un-naturally pacing around his house
4. Him assuming anyone cares about his net worth
3. That picture of what I assume is him dressed in a purple coat in front of a purple car
2. His haircut
1. His haircut
The only enjoyment I got out of that video was when I noticed the top comment.
I’m glad to see I’m not the only one thinking it. I’m pretty sure this is the first tool I’ve ever diagnosed based on hair gel alone. Even before I heard him admit to searching his own name into Google, I could tell he was a Grade-A tool just based on the haircut.
“Hey gimme the hairline shapeup, but then buzz off 1/3 of my head and gimme that weird bald line between the buzz cut and the long stuff. Oh and then give me 7 gallons of hair gel for the long stuff.”
So after doing some minimal research on this Pineda tool, I came to discover that he’s a former minor league baseball player from Las Vegas. Suddenly, everything makes sense. Present day he’s some sort of house flipper tiktok guy that sells a course on how to be successful like him. (I think I am 40 for 40 at this point on my featured tools selling their books.)
For this tool breakdown, we don’t have to do anything but pick out a handful of instagram posts. Let’s do it.
“Many people don’t know, but in 2012-13 I was a substitute teacher. I never had proof until someone posted it on Twitter the other day.
Back then, I thought it was pretty cool to make $100 a day just sitting in a room. But after doing it for awhile I realized I was terrible at it and I wasn’t happy at all. Also probably not great for the kids other than being eye candy (see second pic lol).”
I’m actually fascinated at this guys ego. Did he just claim being a substitute teacher entails “just sitting in a room.” ?? Also he called himself eye candy for the students. Besides being narcissistic, that statement should result in jail time.
When I try to picture the type of person who’s dropping $500k on bitcoin at $50,000/coin I think of somebody that looks exactly like this guy. Has absolutely no idea what the hell he’s talking about, but he has a price point of $200,000/coin and he’s convinced his closest friends and family to risk all of their money going in on it.
One of the reasons I’ve always hated watching soccer is that all of the players look like they covered their faces in makeup and got fresh haircuts before the game. This tool takes it to a new level. He got dressed up and doused himself in gel to go to the gym.
The lack of self-awareness is downright impressive. The ironic part is he’s actually giving out pretty good advice here. But he does it while coming across like a complete asshole. “Hey this is me at the beach and this is my wife’s gucci bag.”
*General rule of thumb* – guys who post to instagram 5000 times a year and only post their spouse on Valentine’s Day are the same guys who cheat. Which is funny, because I was literally just thinking to myself that he seems like the type of person that would cheat on his wife. But I assumed he wasn’t married.
Oh look it’s Gronk’s brother with his $89.99 water bottle! I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I think this week’s tool stole his video and is pretending to interview him?
There it is. The purple sportcoat and purple car combo. Looking good brotha!
Speaks for itself. There are so many things that have to happen in order for this picture to make it to your instagram account. You have to dress like that. You have to pose like that. You have to ask someone to take a photo. You have to ask that someone to text you the photo. He would have had about 10 opportunities to stop this moment from ever seeing the light of day.
Good one to end on! I have absolutely zero clue what’s happening here but I love it. If you didn’t own a jacket that looked exactly like that when you were a kid then I’m sorry but your childhood sucked.
Tool on, Pineda!