I’m sure you recognize that sweaty drunken bastard when you see him! This week I’m breaking down none other than the father of pizza, Papa John!
That above photo is one of the all time mysteries for me. Forget Bigfoot, forget Stonehenge, forget the JFK assassination. If I ever find myself face-to-face with the Big Man at the pearly gates I am going to hit him with one question – Was Papa John actually shithoused at the Louisville game?
The persperation and glazed eyes say yes. The disheveled hair says yes. The concerned look on this guys face in the background says yes.
BUT. What if. Just what if it’s an ill-timed photo. This picture looks like it could have been taken during the post-game madhouse exit through the concourse. Maybe someone is simultaneously bumping into him or pulling him. Maybe he’s 5-foot tall and he’s standing on his tiptoes to try and stack up next to those two kids. Who really knows why it looks like he’s standing one-legged on planet mars.
At the end of the day there is very little investigative work done on this photo. All I was able to dig up was this single message board comment from some guy named scottydoesntknow:
“He looks tanked.”
So the claim is that Papa John is a whiskey drinking lightweight? That doesn’t sit right with me. I just can’t see it. Let’s get a height/weight on this guy.
Brushing aside the fact that he has that Sammy Sosa fake skin thing going on…this cancerous looking website claims he’s 5′-10″. I’ll buy it. And he doesn’t look thin. The guy’s life revolves around pizza for gods sake. I find it very hard to believe that he’s some sort of 2-beer CHEER.
(I’m going to be honest I can’t stop thinking about the Sammy Sosa weird chalky face comparison. I think they must have the same plastic surgeon.)
So why am I nominating Papa John for TOTW? Well today I was minding my own business when I saw this poor bastard trending online yet again. Turns out he gave some interview about how he’s trying to make a comeback from his Papa John’s racist scandal and firing. Here’s the tweet I saw:
Papa John’s ex-CEO says he’s been working for the last 20 months “to get rid of this N-word in my vocabulary” (h/t @mount_bees) pic.twitter.com/8heITnJJxA
— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) March 8, 2021
(Sidebar – why is he ALWAYS dressed up like he still runs Papa Johns? He’s been out of the game for several years now.)
So the author of that tweet seems to imply that John is having trouble getting rid of the N-word from his vocabulary. As if he wakes up in the morning and has N-word tourrettes. And the tweet replies are all filled with people cooking him up like a flaming hot slice of meatlovers. Everybody is piling on the Papa.
Now let me come to the defense of PJ. You assholes are misconstruing the message. He clearly got hung up and was trying to think of right phraseology and blurted out “vocabulary.” Seems pretty obvious to me that he was attempting to explain that he is trying to disassociate himself from ever using that word.
But that’s not really the point of this blog. Because truth be told – I don’t care if he gets canceled or if he goes down in flames. I’ve never liked this guy. I’ve never trusted him. I used to get a terrible vibe from him every time he showed up on my TV. The last time I recall seeing him was like 2 years ago when he went viral for trying to eat a pizza-a-day or something like that.
The Papa John interview is lovely pic.twitter.com/bpDMDm9t9G
— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) November 26, 2019
I’m going to have to reconsider what great world mystery question I want to ask god when I get to heaven. Do I want to know if Papa John was shitfaced at the Louisville hoops game or do I want to know what the “day of reckoning” will entail? This is the most ominous, riveting, 30 second cut up interview clip that I have ever seen.
- Is that voice natural or chopped n screwed?
- Is that hair gel or sweat?
- Did he get plastic surgery on his face?
- Why did he eat that many pizzas?
- WHAT AM I STAYING TUNED FOR!?
After watching that clip I know one thing and one thing only. Mark Shapiro doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. I am 100% positive of that. I would be willing to testify in court that Mark Shapiro doesn’t know the first thing about pizza. In fact, I’m not convinced that he’s ever had a slice of pizza in his life.
So let’s get into the meat and potatoes pepperoni and cheese. Papa John aka John Schnatter is a big time tool. This limelight sucking, attention craving narcissist would sell a $50 pizza to his own mother if it gave him another second of commercial airtime on an NFL Sunday. The dude LOVES being in front of the camera.
You remember all of those annoying ass “better pizza, better ingredients, Papa Johns” commercials?
What’s more predictable? Him owning a Camaro as a 20 year old or him looking like the pervert that dates girls half his age as a 20 year old?
Also – be more creepy at the end man. You can’t.
I actually kinda liked Papa Johns as far as fast food pizza goes. But now I’m not sure I’ll ever eat it again after seeing that cheeseburger pizza. Dominos it is.
Trying SO hard to be relatable.
Oh my god it’s painful. This video screams TOOOOOOOOOOL.
Commercials like these always crack me up. He points out what his competitor does wrong and then proceeds to do the exact same thing.
“Pizza Hut can CLAIM like they make a better pizza. But I did a blind taste test that nobody has ever heard of and my Papa Johns pizza won. Take my word for it!”
I guess one question I have after watching all of those commercials is this – Why do you feel the need to put your crazy looking mug in front of the camera every time? I’m trying to think of another CEO that interjects himself as the star into every one of his company’s commercials and I am failing to come up with a single example.
“Hey instead of hiring actors for our commercial, we’d like to film you doing the stuff that your $5/hour employees do while high at work on a daily basis.” Yikes. Even Bill Gates and his ego would turn that gig down.
Let’s put aside the painfully bad acting for a moment and check out the Papa’s instagram. Surely we will find some gems on there.
Yep, this is going to be even better than I expected. That page SCREAMS mid-life crisis.
- Profile pic from 15 years ago
- Keeping the name “Papa John” in his handle
- Having a tiktok account
- Having those weird instagram buttons and some of them being called “Travel,” “Pedaling,” and “Yes, it’s me”
Obligatory “look at me, I am innocent” post. You mean to tell me THAT is the day of reckoning??? Wow. I haven’t been this let down since Mattural told me he blew out his shoulder while buckling in his daughter’s carseat (we’re getting washed up).
As a general rule of thumb when it comes to scandals…when there is smoke there is fire. I don’t know what they claimed this tool did before they fired him. But it didn’t come out of thin air. Maybe they set him up to fail or took something out of context. But deep down I know they did it because he must be a complete asshole to work with.
I only included this one so I could point out this outstanding comment:
And next…
How am I ever going to eliminate that video from my memory.
Add Papa John being on steroids to this list of things I didn’t see coming today.
Add Papa John being good buddies with Lance Armstrong to the list of things I DID see coming today. I can practically hear the pity conversations about how the “media mob tried to destroy me” from here.
While I can appreciate some opposition to the “we need to wait until it’s 100% safe again” Dr. Fauci crowd. I think you’d have to be pretty arrogant to post a picture of your full-blown-indoor-20-person-narrow-table dinner event.
Welp, I feel duped. Here I was thinking Papa J was a salt of the earth guy who likes to have a few sodas at the Louisville game and now he’s decked out in Kentucky gear? Traitor. You turned on Papa Johns yet you still wear their uniform. Why ditch the Louisville gear?
And last but not least…
There ya have it. His first post on instagram was of him as a young whippersnapper tossing a pie. Look me in the eye and tell me this man right here doesn’t have Pizza Experience?
Oh and for the record I’d prefer NOT to eat the pizza that came directly in contact with Papa John’s bare hands.
Long live Papa John. Long live the Tool!