You are currently viewing Tool of the Week: Week 37

Tool of the Week: Week 37

At the risk of sounding like an arrogant prick – does anyone else ever look around and think “Damn, I can’t believe I’m the smartest one here.” 

I get that feeling probably once a week. Maybe I’m at the grocery store and I see someone stare at their phone while blocking the aisle. Or maybe I’m driving along and a couple SUVs race past me just to hit the brakes and settle into the traffic jam.

Or maybe I see a picture of Joel Osteen’s megachuch…

Don’t mistake that above picture for a Luke Combs concert. That is in fact the aforementioned megachurch aka “Lakewood Church” in Houston, Texas. You are looking at 16,799 people who I know for a fact are dumber than me. I know that because all of those people are paying for a ticket to go to church. I can’t even wrap my head around that. PAYING TO GO TO CHURCH. Imagine showing up for your Sunday mass and there’s a guy standing outside the church yelling “who needs tickets, I need tickets, who’s got tickets!”

To clarify the 16,799 figure – yes the capacity is 16,800. Obviously I’m excluding Joel Osteen because obviously he is much smarter than me. In the words of Bill Burr, “I appreciate a good scam.” And clearly that’s what we have here. Just a good ole fashioned scam. Every week this guy plagiarizes a speech and throws on a collared shirt and it results in like $2M of ticket sales. And apparently this “service” is getting streamed. Sources say he knocks down 7M viewers a week. If that doesn’t fill your soul with envy then you are lying to yourself. This Tool is crushing it.

Can we take a second to appreciate that this man throws on a $10,000 suit and tie to preach the word of God? I’m not gonna lie, I did not see that coming. I was 100% convinced that he was going to look exactly like this picture of Jake Gyllenhall I found and slapped Osteen’s face on:

dress

I admittedly know nothing about Osteen, but I had him penciled in as the cool/trendy/modern preacher guy.

“I just love how Pastor Osteen is one of us. This week he said his car broke down mid-way to the church so he attempted to grab an Uber but there was nothing nearby. So he hopped on a Lime scooter and drove himself to church on it! How cool is he?”

For the record I could not find a good picture of him riding a scooter. But I did find this picture of him throwing out the opening pitch for a Nats game:

I mean come on. Is that picture photoshopped? This dude looks like he was genetically modified to be an Old Navy dad model.

dad

That’s enough pussyfootin around with the photos. I honestly can’t wait to hear what he sounds like. Let’s get a few clips going.

via GIPHY

To say “I didn’t see that coming” would be an understatement. Maybe this church doubles as a Luke Combs concert after all. Or I guess more likely a Tiesto concert?

I am pleased to report that is EXACTLY what I thought he would sound like. If you gave me 50 options on a multiple choice quiz with 50 different voices and told me to pick out which one is Joel Osteen’s…I woulda picked that one.

Notice how much he speaks with his hands. “Light a FI-HURE ✊ on the inside.” Classic con-artist move. And that ability to stare directly into the camera. It’s almost like he’s more comfortable looking at the camera than any of the 20,000 paying customers in there.

Forgive my lord’s name in vain pun, but HOLY SHIT. That was a wild ride. The suspense of waiting to find out whether Osteen was going to say something or not was actually killing me. I almost stopped the video because I couldn’t take it. I thought he was either going to kill his wife or bite his own tongue off. Which is ironic because he kind of looks like a lizard? Or maybe a devil? Idk, but the dude is definitely a creature. And speaking of creatures…how about that wife!

I need some background on this Tool and I needed it yesterday!

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You see what they did here? That’s called burying the lede. The guy took a vacation year to some place called Oral Roberts before heading home (with zero credentials) to start his life as God’s messenger.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I’m going to need a VHS tape of that first sermon by Joel. You’re telling me his performance was so good that his dad thought “Welp, I better die now and let Joel take this thing to the next level.” Joel had slithered his way into the position of the new “senior pastor” in 8 months. Was the body even cold yet?

I can’t emphasize how impressed I am that the wife has managed to steal a sliver of the limelight from this tool by securing the ‘copastor’ title. Good for her. I’m not sure what kinda dirt she has on him, but that earlier video where she wouldn’t stop blabbing is starting to make some sense.

And how about that net worth? $60M worth and 17,000 sqft house for a preacher? Yeah that sounds about right. Don’t bother accusing him of stealing from the church. In usual TOOL fashion this guy is raking in the dough solely from those book sales!

“Hey Joel we better start thinking about what we want to put on the cover of this new book. I have a few metaphorical ideas I’d like to share with you. -guy named Todd who actually wrote the book

“I’ve never like metaphors, Todd, you know that. Say, why don’t I call up my photographer and he comes up and does a little photoshoot session of me. Maybe a headshot of MY big smiling mug would make sense for this book where I tell the reader how to improve HIS life.” – Osteen

Also I can’t help but laugh at this one:

declare

I can’t help but think of Michael Scott announcing “I DO DECLARE” after every sentence while imitating that Savannah accent. 

IDo Declare Michael Scott GIF from Idodeclare GIFs

So other than my speculation about this tool, what else is there not to like? Well here’s a few mishaps that come to mind:

IF WE COULD GET THERE WE WOULD OPEN THE DOORS is hands down the best part. 

Oh and there’s this ⬇️. Add Joel Osteen to the growing list of people that got a COVID loan that didn’t need one.

And this ⬇️

I would make a smartass remark about the cash-grab opportunity of bringing Kanye West into your church, but the below gif will do a better job of that.

And this ⬇️

I cannot believe that video exists and I cannot believe the audience LAUGHED and CHEERED during that. That trainwreck of a speech should have got nothing but crickets. I guess there isn’t a single broke peasant in that crowd. Just rich successful people that bring pleasure to god.

I’m sure I can find more reasons to hate this scam artist on his instagram. Let’s take a quick dive.

When the camera stops rolling do these two bust out laughing and high-fiving? I’d feel more uncomfortable with this sort of stuff if they didn’t recognize that it’s horseshit. I like to think as soon as the tape stops rolling she looks at him and goes “HAHAHA Why did you say Chapter 3!??” And Joel answers back “HAHA I have no idea I just panicked and chose the chapter I opened the book to!”

LOL. Whoever is running the social media accounts for Joel might want to do some spring cleaning. I’m clicking through his 1000 videos at random and somehow landed on this SCORCHING hot take. I think 100M dead people would beg to differ with that part about how you don’t have to be afraid. I know the statistics are heavily on your side of beating the virus, but you should probably be at least a little bit afraid…

Also I can’t wait to hit a grocery store without a mask next month. I think it’ll go something like this:

“Hey sir you can’t come in here without wearing a mask!” -idiot clerk

“What are you blind? I’m wearing God’s shield.” -me

I didn’t photoshop a single thing in that picture. All of that is genuine. He must tour across America and do celebrity guests. #NightOfHope

Looks like someboody got ahold of the Merriam-Webster thesaurus! He speaks in so many adjectives that by the time he’s done talking you don’t even know what the original intent was.

“I believe AND DECLARE you are blessed, you are prosperous, redeemed, forgiven, talented, creative, disciplined, focused, confident, secure, equipped, empowered, anointed, accepted, and approved, not average, not mediocre, you are a child of the most high God.”

And great call on “2020 being an amazing year”, dumbass.

I think what I hate most about them is their faces. They both look terrifying in their own unique way. She looks like she’s 50 with a plastic 30 year old face. And he looks like his entire head is made out of wood or something. I can’t wait to have nightmares about those teeth. 

The best way to prosper together is to join forces on selling a book full of vague generalities and dupe BOTH of your idiot fanbases into buying it.

If what’s on the insides of the hundreds of books these two have written is anything similar to the shit they say out loud, then that must be all it is – vague generalities. 

In the words of Bobby Boucher and Vicki Vallencourt:

“You know that old hag that does astrology on Good Morning America, she really ought to pack it in. Listen what she said for Sagittarius. She goes: ‘You’re gonna be faced with a difficult decision today.’ But the thing is, we’re all faced with difficult decisions every day. That’s like sayin’ you’re gonna eat today.” – VV

“Yeah, m-maybe…by leaving her predictions vague and generalized, there’s less of a chance of someone findin’ out she’s a phoney.” -BB

“Whatever, college boy.” – VV

Nothing like the fake pastor + fake doctor combo! That’s what we like to call a Multi-Tool! 

Let’s end on that note. And before we wrap up…please enjoy this video of a man pretending to be Joel Osteen and being treated like God.

via GIPHY

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