HAPPY SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!
In honor of this special occasion, I am giving the nod this week to an NFL legend – Bill Romanowski.
Oh baby it’s our first ever linebacker on TOTW and that begs the question: Why did it take me until Week 34 to break down an old-school middle linebacker?
Bill Romanowski is quite literally the NFL prototype for TOTW. Let’s take a look:
THE PROTOTYPE
Did I hit all the necessities? I thought “painkillers” was a really nice last-minute touch.
Forget the fake graphic for a second and consider the fact that this guy played for the Raiders in real life. Because of course he did. It would make ZERO sense if the dirtiest player in NFL history played for any team but the Oakland Raiders. Raider Nation baby!!
(I’ve always been curious if a guy like that 
heads home after the game and sets his alarm for work the next day. I’ll say theres a 0.1% chance that guy has M-F occupation.)
Ok – a little background on Romo…
Romo’s illustrious NFL career spanned from 1988-2003 and he racked up over 1,100 tackles along the way. Despite the fact that I’m positive he played for Oakland for all 16 years of his career, wikipedia claims he played for 3 other teams:
From all of the available game tape that I can get my hands on (grainy highlight videos with rock music that your dad listens to), Romo’s specialty seems to be all of the stuff that the NFL is currently trying to ban. This tool had mastered his craft of spearing, targeting, and contact to the head or neck area.
Oh I almost forgot about spitting! Add spitting to his illegal/cheap/dirty repertoire.
According to wikipedia, Romo was consistently dirty throughout his career from start to finish. Some of his accomplishments include kicking a fullback in the head, breaking Kerry Collins’ jaw in an exhibition game, punching Tony Gonzalez, and drilling a guy in the testicles with a football.
And does he feel guilty about all of that dirty stuff today? Well…sort of…
- Of course he wrote a book
- Of course he tells a story about a loose-ball scrum
- Of course he snapped some poor bastard’s finger at the bottom of that scrum
More importantly – how about that face of pure rage he made when he was recollecting that story!? And then followed up by the instant regretful droopy voice “that’s awfulll….”
I’ll never be able to un-see that flash of rage we saw during that interview. I’m not sure what Bill Romanowski is doing with his spare time today, but it would be nice if we could run some military experiments on him. Or at least get some behavior studies completed and incorporate them into some ‘Intro to Psych’ textbooks.
“Welcome to Psychology 101, class. Today we are going to begin with Blind Rage and the Romanowski Repsonse.”
That smile on his face says it all.
“The time I fucked up Jerry Rice over the middle? That one was an accident”……..
“Hey Colin thanks for having me broski. Ya know, the thing about BROADS, they are so into their stupid feelings. But guys like you and me….we fight and then we go crush a beer together and that’s the end of it. Well, we might fire a microwave across the room and pin you to the wall by your neck, but then we’ll go get that beer.”
(PS – How about Colin with those super creepy comments about getting his hands on the video? Wtf was that?)
So should we talk steroids? Cause this guy is on them. And when I say on them, I mean he’s currently on them. I know that because he’s probably been taking them from the time he was 15 years old to present day.
(I don’t know what the context of that picture is supposed to be, but it sure as shit looks like Romo carrying a bunch of pill bottles to me.)
Despite the fact that everyone knew he was taking steroids, Bill must have done a great job of stashing clean piss jugs around his house in between his roid cycles. Credit to Romo for never having failed a drug test or missing games due to PEDs. And more credit – he also managed to never miss a game due to injury. The dude played in 243 straight games (that’s a surefire sign he was taking steroids).
Ok so he took the drugs but it WAS NOT for any advantage. In fact it didn’t even give him an advantage.
“The reason I was the best is because I was outworking everyone else. I was in the gym 4 hours a day.” -guys on steroids who don’t realize that the steroids are what allows you to be in the gym 4 hours a day.
But hey, at least he was kind enough to put his entire team on zinc pills…
That’s right. just because Bill is a roid guy doesn’t mean he won’t break into the placebo powders. In fact, he’s got his own product line of them!
Depsite what it looks like – that is not a picture from The Onion. This is real. The guy who admittedly injected all sorts of dangerous shit into his blood has his own line of “supplements” called Nutrition53.
This is dumber than I could have scripted in my own parody version.
“Bill’s quest took an urgent new turn: the concussions on the football field had robbed him of his memory. Bill brought together the world’s best doctors, scientists, and nutritionists to arrive at a formulation that would fully restore his mental function. The result was Lean1 Neuro, Nutrition53’s first formula.”
At this point I only have 2 questions:
- Why do we continue to study the consequences of contact sports and concussions on our brains when Romo has already solved the crisis by inventing a white powder?
- Is there a max limit on the amount of Lean1 Neuro (aka magic powder) that I can purchase??
As for Question #1 – I’m still dumbfounded. Move over Roger Goodell. Move over Will Smith’s character in that terrible movie. Romo is out here spitting straight FACTS!
God almighty that man is CLEARLY fucked up. Coming in hot with the Joe Paterno ‘take the helmets off’ concussion prevention technique.
Also I loved this exchange right off the bat:
“Ben Roethlisberger is talking about possibly retiring. Do you think its a good time for him to make an exit?” -TMZ dickhead
“Who’s this?” – Romo
“Ben Roethlisberger.” -TMZ dickhead
“Naahh. He needs to play more.” – Romo
What other scorching hot takes do you have for us, Romo?
Do you believe in one another?
Do you trust one another??
Do you love one another???
I love everyone of you man to man. I want to hug and kiss each and everyone of you men. I want to marry every one you. I want to raise a family with every single one of you.”
This tool would literally suit up to play football for a stick of bubblegum. He would amputate his own arm to get on that field. He’d give it all just to sprint down the field on kickoff team and hit somebody.
FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME BABY!
Before I close out I want to share a few random Romo snippets I came across while writing this. Let’s start with a racist tweet at Cam Newton:
Putting “, boy!” should result in a week of jail time. There’s no debate on what the intention of that grammar was.
Here’s a personal anecdote that doesn’t actually involve Romo, but I still found it hilarious:
And lastly, here’s another personal anecdote that DOES involve a firsthand experience with Romo:
They say you should never trust a man who doesn’t drink. But I think I speak for everyone when I say “SoberFuck” is telling the truth here. That is too goddam perfect to be made up.
