It’s a special week ladies and gentleman. It’s our first ever TOOLS of the Week! That’s right. You’re getting five six tools for the price of one!
To be quite honest, I’ve never held any strong opinions about Rob Gronkowski (aka the only Gronkowski that anyone knows). I suspected he’s a little bit of a tool with all that 69 stuff.
Gronk on his next touchdown being the 69th of his career and he couldn't be more excited,..@RobGronkowski #Patriots pic.twitter.com/w1KOfWhWy0
— Chad Amaral (@Chad_Amaral) October 24, 2016
Gronkowski's favorite high school memory is purposely missing a free throw playing basketball to keep the score at 69 pic.twitter.com/CHMgO3atpd
— Boston Diehards (@Boston_Diehards) February 1, 2017
Players don't have numbers on their jerseys but Rob Gronkowski taped one on the back of his. His choice of number: 69.
— Mike Reiss (@MikeReiss) December 3, 2014
For the record, I think a 69 joke in the right context is funny. Or at least it was funny before I saw the 40th PFT Commenter joke on twitter. “HAHA NICE.” So I’ve kinda banned myself from engaging in the jokes, but I will admit the Billy Madison scene earns a laugh from me every time.
So between the 69 stuff and the constant off-field partying stuff, Gronk has absolutely earned himself a reputation as a tool.
But for the record – I don’t mind Gronk. I think my old college roommate said it best one day when we were hanging out watching a casual Gronk interview on SportsCenter.
“Rob Gronkowski giving an interview is hilarious. Guy loves to show off the fake enthusiasm.”
BINGO. I could not agree more. Whether he’s being genuine or not, Rob always comes across as this super fake “I love my team, I love the sport” serial killer type of guy with a fake laugh.
So that’s essentially Rob in a nutshell. A good-timing, high-energy fella that happens to be a tool.
Now let’s see if we can break down the rest of the family one-by-one. And we’ll let this Conan interview where Rob talks about his sibling college house ease us into things.
I gotta admit it’s hard not to like that guy after watching that. You can tell how sincere he’s being with that limited vocabulary and the look of excitement on his face while he thinks about that college house. Make no mistake – this is not an act.
So maybe a good place to start would be with Rob’s older brother (and college house roommate), Chris.
I’ll come right out and say it – Chris is my least favorite of all these guys. Dude is a Grade-A tool. He is constantly popping up on my instagram feed with these cringey tiktok videos where he low-key tries to brag about his playing career.
I’m not going to sit here and dismiss the fact that making it to the NFL is an incredible accomplishment (I’m totally gonna dismiss it). BUT….it’s kind of a tough look to talk about your playing career (with your old practice squad jerseys hanging up in the background) when your younger brother is a 1st ballot HOF-ER and you are most known for getting Tony Romo killed.
The only thing that could make me dislike Chris a little more is if he ran one of those BS companies where he gets his famous brother to give him a bunch of free advertising and ends up selling a bunch of scammy products.
Oh you’re selling a $40 shaker bottle and the name Gronkowski is attached to it??? YES PLEASE! I’ll take 2!!
All right, that’s enough of Chris. Onto the next tool brother. Gordie Gronkwoski, step on up!
His name is GORDIE and he played baseball instead of football. Do I really need to look any further? Yes? Here’s a few instagram pics for you to chew on.
Dan Gronkowski. I can do this one without even typing any words.
Please welcome Glenn Gronkowski to the stage. I’ll let him do the talking.
Keep in mind that video is taken from a Kansas State pro day. So that is by all means a job interview. I don’t know about you, but whenever I interview for a job I always pull my shirt up like a pair of assless chaps and start talking like a sarcastic rapper.
And now last, but not least, the father! Gordy Gronk.
It’s kind of hard to hate on a guy who went 5 for 5 on raising his kids to be professional athletes. I don’t know what the odds are on that, but I’m willing to say it’s longer than any parlay I have every placed money on.
So I’m tempted to give pops a pass altogether. But for the sake of maintaining the integrity of TOTW, I’ll present one small nugget of Gordy being a tool.
“Setting the tone” sounds about right. You don’t end up with 5 tool kids if you don’t set the tone from an early age.
And that does it, folks! I never expected to feature a family of 6 on this segment, but the tools run deep in the Gronkowski family tree. TOOL ON!